This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Moving away(21 Posts)
Hello, I have been split from my children’s father for two years.. I have a restraining orde against him as it was an abusive relationship. He does however have access to children one weekday and every other weekend which he set up through solicitors after social service said he was ok to see them.. past two year he has seen them and bought school uniform for them once. He refuses to get a job becuz he doesn’t want to pay me maintence.
However he knows I have wanted to move for the past year. I have finically found a house with a good school and better job opportunities for me plus I also want to do my master which they don’t have where I live.
The house is 3 and a half hours from his and I am willing to re arrange the visation for him and his children
But he told me that he will take me to court and stop me from taking the kids out of where we live
I just want some advice on wheather or. Or he can stop me
Or any other advice thank you x
I don't know if he can stop you but I would her legal advice. If you have a better life elsewhere it makes perfect sense you would move.
Do the kids want to see him/enjoy seeing him?
I hope you will be able to start a new life.
Yes they enjoy seeing him
Thing is I have tried to make it work down here with him the best I can
But he won’t support me and have them while I work
And he won’t get a job and pay for them
I’m paying off dept which he left me in as a result of the break up
He doesn’t want them more I have offered
But he doesn’t want me to move even tho he would still see them every other weekend
I think for him it’s still control I just don’t no if I have the strength in me to fight him in court again
She21 it does sound like control.
I don't know what the law says, could Citizen's Advice help you?
It’s worth a try I’m gunna call them next week fingers crossed
He can apply for a prohibitive steps order and it is a long way away. I guess you need to go to court and see what the outcome is.
Can you further afield without it being so far?
Yes I agree it’s far away..
That is why I’m trying to be civil and adult about the situation
But again he is not a man I can reason with
So I just don’t no where to go with it really
He was presumably aggressive with you? Left you in debt. Dorsn't contribute towards the kids or even look after them so you can work.
It seems very unfair that he has the power to control where you live.
Yes I agree... but despite everything he is toward me my kids adore him... I need to move for myself but work with him st same time for him to still see his kids it’s annoying
She21 why do the kids adore him? Is he nice to them but horrible to you?
Would the job and study work of you loved an hour from it? So the commute was for you and he would be 2.5 hours from them? Could you do the study by distance learning?
Some institutions might be quite cheaply by distance learning.
With a really good train service (I live in the NW local trains are a national joke) you can move quite far and not be that far in travelling distance- worth considering?
As he is so controlling I would actually get advice on how far away in journey time the court is likely to support you. Financially you need to move, you have a better job prospects and you offer him his missed time in school holidays to compensate... makes it harder for him to object.
Can you say which town/city you live in now?
He may be able stop you. The court looks at what is in the children's best interests. That means maintaining a relationship with their father and not disrupting their education etc unnecessarily. What do you propose contact would look like if you move? Infrequent contact with long distance travel won't look great for you. The court won't care about past issues between the two of you.
If you're the one that moves, won't you be the one that has to do all the travelling to facilitate contact with their father?
I needed to move away from EXH. A clean break removing control. It is the best decision I ever made, reducing his control and starting afresh. (He had threatened to move himself and OW into the family house with us!)
However I chose to move an hour away with easy transport links, close enough for contact at weekends for DC's. Initially transport between our two houses was an issue; he insisted I do all journeys
which I agreed to just to get away, he would be late, not turn up, all to keep me hanging. But as the DC's got older they could travel this distance themselves. Even at age 12 I could put them on the coach at this end, for him to meet them at the other ( coach didn't stop anywhere between). This had the added bonus of him not needing to even come to the town where we live. All most control gone!
Surely there can be no objection to an hour travel?
The reasons are clear if you can show better schools, better home opportunities (either bigger home or nicer area) and if you were eilling to bring them back to see him, how could he object? Unless hos objection is an attempt to control you?
When the children are older and find out what he is like, will they still want to see him?
The move. You say good housing and job opportunities. Does that mean you don’t actually have a job in the new location?
I know it is 3.5. I suggested the OP could maybe try an hour away and commute the 2.5 for college. Not sure where college and job are in relation to possible home.
If college was one day a week. And job was say 3 days or 4, then finding a home and job an hour away might facility college 2.5 further hours away.
It just seems so unfair on OP.
Personally, I'd be looking at where she could move to. Then work from that.
My guess is if her ex chose to move she would have no say.
He pays no maintenance, only sees the kids when he wants to, won't facilitate work to help her clear debts (which he created or helped create) and she had to take a restraining order out against him.
I hope the kids learn what he is like.
OP why that house in particular? If you are able to arrange contact I don't see why not but just wondered why that house.
My comments were obviously about a move in general and facilitating a masters degree, not about that specific house.
Please login first.