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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Husband left me for an older woman

16 replies

Kirstyandson · 13/12/2018 21:38

I've never posted on here before but I'm finding it hard to talk about my husband leaving me. I was just hoping for some support and suggestions, also somewhere to just speak my mind.

This time last year my husband started an affair with someone he works with, our son was only 9 months old at this point. I found out after a miserable Christmas of him just being distant but proclaiming that everything was fine! When I finally got him to talk he admitted that he had been with a woman in her mid 40's, he was 26! I was shocked and couldn't understand what she had and I didn't!

I thought that it was due to me having had a baby and have a large proportion of my time to looking after him, that my husband had felt a bit left out but we could get over it and I would give his some more attention and get some baby free time together.

Everything seemed good again despite me being ill for a couple of months (all sorted now). Until 6 weeks ago when he said he had had enough and was leaving. Wishing a few days he had taken everything from the house.

I have now found out that he is back seeing the woman from before. I can't help but feel she is manipulating him. I don't want to close the book on it all just yet and I feel like he needs my support for some reason. Any ideas?

We have been married for 3 years and together for 8, never really argued and I felt like we were great together before all this!

Sorry about the long post!

OP posts:

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noego · 13/12/2018 22:15

I don't want to close the book on it all just yet and I feel like he needs my support for some reason

I think you should close the door.

Any ideas?

Read the blog/letters on chumplady

binkyblinky · 13/12/2018 22:17

I'm sorry you're going through this.
It seems like you have low self esteem. He does not deserve your forgiveness xxx

ShiningStar1990 · 14/12/2018 14:24

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation but you're not alone. I had the same thing happen to me apart from we were not married. I felt I had to support my ex as well, I felt I had to help him. No I didn't!! We broke up 6 months ago, our daughter was 8 months old.
I am now the happiest I've ever been.
All I can say is, pick yourself up, brush yourself off and tell him to piss off. He doesn't deserve you, you carried his baby for 9 months and that's the respect he has for you?
Be a bad ass woman who doesn't need no man. Yes it's hard being a single Mum but us women are strong and we can do anything we put our minds to, I've learnt that about myself recently. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, take him back easily if you chose to, let him grovel to you. I'm telling you now from experience, start living your life without him, don't support him in his, he will come running back and when he does I hope you show him the door.
X

Swipetounlock · 14/12/2018 14:31

I feel sorry that your partner is being unfaithful, but I don't like your attitude to older women.

SexNotJenga · 14/12/2018 14:33

I can't help but feel she is manipulating him

No, he has made his own choices. I'm sorry.

DramaAlpaca · 14/12/2018 14:36

What Swipetounlock said.

Her age isn't relevant, but your partner is a knob.

ShiningStar1990 · 14/12/2018 14:45

Why is her age irrelevant? This lady is a young woman and for her husband who leaves her for a lady in her mid 40's is upsetting and for her it's relevant. It would be relevant if an older man left his wife for a younger woman. Unless you can give her advice and not pick because you don't like what she says don't comment and make her feel worse.

Sparrowlegs248 · 14/12/2018 14:52

I don't think it matters how old the OW is does it? And please please don't lay all of the blame at he feet. Your husband is the one in the wronghere. He's an adult making his own shitty choices . I'm sorry you're going through this . Have you thought of speaking to someone on a professional level, like relate? You can go on your own. I did and found it very helpful.

Swipetounlock · 14/12/2018 15:37

Why should the 'older woman' be manipulating him? Because you can't bear to think that he is, and has been, manipulating you?

Grobag369 · 14/12/2018 15:44

Ignore the posts giving you a hard time.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/12/2018 15:52

There's a lot in your OP about other people being responsible for what he does (you having a baby, OW influencing him). I think that for your own sake you need to let go of that.

He made his own decisions, nobody fished his cock out of his pants for him, he made that choice himself. I don't personally think it matters much why, but I understand that it seems like it matters because that would make it fixable.

It's confusing when a central person in our lives turns round and does the one thing they know will hurt the most, and it must be harder still when you have a young baby. I feel desperately sorry for you, but I do think that your best bet is to try to work out a way forward rather than trying to get back an unreliable and deceitful man.

2018anewstart · 15/12/2018 16:59

My husband also left me for an older woman. Actually he didn't leave I told him to go after I found out. I take a little bit of comfort (rightly or wrongly) that she looks even older than her years and dresses accordingly. I think he wants to be mothered! Also even though I primarily blame the cheater I also think the equal blame lies wih the OW. In my case she knew he was married from the outset. My advice is let him go in this situation. He's gone back to her twice he is not worth it. You will start feeling better I think christmas is stressful fir people going through a break up but look forward to the new year as a new start. Xxx

NotScrewingUpNow · 15/12/2018 17:03

Disgusting. A child suffers and that child's mother at the selfish decision of man.

Doesn't matter the age of the woman. He left for another woman. What he did was unforgivable.

NotScrewingUpNow · 15/12/2018 17:05

This lady is a young woman and for her husband who leaves her for a lady in her mid 40's is upsetting and for her it's relevant

The age is irrelevant. Another woman is another woman. Men like women of all ages. It's not like it would be easier for the OP if the OW was younger.

ShiningStar1990 · 15/12/2018 19:58

The age is relevant for her ok. Let her blame who the hell she wants to. In time she will blame the right person but at this point in time she is grieving for what she's lost and what could have been.
When my partner left I blamed everyone but him, in time once I processed what had happened I knew who was to blame.
If she wants to feel hurt and betrayed and point out the woman is OLDER then that's fine for her, no one has the right to tell her what is relevant and irrelevant right now with her pointing out the woman is OLDER.

indiamax17 · 27/02/2021 15:58

I feel sorry for you but I'm not sure I would want someone to stick with me if he didn't love me anymore - with or without a child! I know it hurts now but in time you will probably find someone else - which isn't obviously what you want to here now but it does happen.

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