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struggling a bit...

(6 Posts)
jojogogo84 Thu 13-Dec-18 16:29:39

I am 34, DS 8 and DD 14. Last year husband and I were going through some problems (didn't spend any time together at all). He got friendly with some new guys and started going out drinking all the time. This wasn't usual for him and I must admit I did give him a hard time. Things just went from bad to worse. In Feb this year he moved out to his mothers for a 'break'. This was mutually agreed. In April he decided he wasn't coming back and was 'done'. I had a mental breakdown, took time off work, anti depressants. I think this was because in the back of my mind he was always coming back. Was a terrible time and I am feeling slightly better now but I can't seem to move on. He is still around all the time, and doesn't want to split the finances, we still see each other a lot at social things. All he does not is think of himself. He is acting like a child - going out boozing and spending money he hasn't got (which he has now got into a mess with). His mother has made things worse. She has taken over the role of wife - washing, cooking, cleaning the lot. He has to do nothing for himself. She should have never made it so easy at the expense of his family. I know for a fact that if he didn't have his mums to go to he would still be at home. I just feel stuck and I can't move on. A little part of me still thinks that one day his bubble will burst and he will regret everything. His DD has nothing to do with him really. It's just a sad situation. I think now I am starting to come through the otherside I am starting to feel more lonely and a sense of 'is this it? is this my life now?' - nights alone in front of the tv. I suppose I just need to know I am not alone and things will not always be this rubbish. xxx

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LemonTT Thu 13-Dec-18 23:22:23

Whilst we can never know the future that might have been, it is unlikely that he would have shaped up and become the man you wanted if he stayed. Lets face it you tried to make him change and he didn't. He would probably say he carried on drinking because you gave him a hard time. But he isn't getting that at his mothers and he is still behaving that way.

The standard MN reasons would be OW, potential OW or midlife crisis/breakdown. These are the top 2 reasons for a man to leave. But there are lots more. He may not know himself and you will not be able to figure it out for him. That could leave you with a "closure" gap. But I don't think it needs to be that way

Closure for you can be the fact that he wasn't being a good father or husband. You might want "the man he was" back but that man is not on offer so you can walk away and move on. Make it your decision and make your own closure. Hold your own truth and your own future. Write your own script.

You are in your mid 30's and your kids are becoming more independent. This is one of the best stages of your life and there is lot you can do. I went clubbing in Ibiza in my early 40s and we weren't alone in being that old. Age brings confidence and grace. That makes life more enjoyable and a little less foolish.

Ok, maybe it won't happen immediately or even this year. But start to imagine a new independent you, who is able to make decisions without reference or deference. EG within the next 12-18 months plan a great holiday for you and the kids, that makes new memories.
Who is the woman you want to be on that holiday? I don't think it is the one embarrassed by a husband drinking at the bar each night with a bunch of lads.

Get a dog, join a gym or choir. No need to watch telly every night.

jojogogo84 Fri 14-Dec-18 13:18:03

Thank you so much, has made me feel so much better! I just felt like I was waiting around for him to regret what he has done! I know that he was a crappy hubby and a crappy dad, I will concentrate on that and try my best to stop looking to the past. I think it is this time of year that doesn’t help! Xxxx

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LemonTT Fri 14-Dec-18 15:35:01

I get that. Try to look forward and use this year to establish new family traditions. Watch the tv you want to watch, not football! Buy yourself the gift you want, not one you need. For yourself no man needed. Spend Boxing Day on AIBU reading posts from woman who got awful presents from their DH/DP.

The reality of Christmas with him would be awful. He would go out drinking and turn up in the wee hours. Be hung over and grumpy and then drink too much on the big day. You would be stressed and focused on him not your kids. Have a nice day with some bubbly wine for you. Be cosy and relaxed at home with the kids.

You have done well to stand up for yourself, plenty of people would have endured his behaviour. You have dealt with MH (caused by him not you) and come out the right side. It’s a good chapter in your book of life. You just might not see it that way, yet.

Itsnotme123 Sat 15-Dec-18 08:24:09

I’d be grateful that he has got his mother’s to go to. Better than having him hanging around the house with 2 young girls to see him drinking and in a mess all the time.

jojogogo84 Sat 15-Dec-18 20:03:39

I agree with everything you both have said! He is missing out massively! Just having a little pre Xmas break just me and the kids, nice glass of wine and peace and quiet. Just didn’t think I would end up single amd abandoned at this time in my life! Getting there slowly xxxx

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