How do people cope?

[Tryingtofloat11]

I’ve been separated from my husband since early this year. He was physically, emotionally and financially abusive in our time together. He had an affair and we separated. But we eventually started getting on for ours kids. He has the older two EOW and visits the baby at the house.
The problem is he’s constantly hot and cold. It’s emotionally draining. Recently he’s been so lovely, he’s been jobs that needed doing and went out of his way to help, agreed to have the kids more so I can return to work etc. At the weekend we were laughing and joking and he was teasing me in a flirty sort of way. I thought finally the abuse will stop. But I honestly feel like emotionally punching bag again. Yesterday he starts hurtling loads of abuse at me, criticised my parenting, called me a joke because our three year old doesn’t listen to me. Told me he f*ing hates me. All of it was so random though. It’s our sons birthday next week, he practically begged me to come round for tea, do the cake and put him to bed (originally agreed he would have the day after) then texted me saying he can’t stand to be in the same room as me so he won’t come. So I said I’ve never been more disappointed in my life, he missed his daughters 1st birthday didn’t so much as buy her a present and I bought her card from him. Now he’s missing our sons yet at the weekend he was desperate to come round.
Literally how do people cope with it? I finally started feeling ‘better’ then it starts again.
The thing is he’s apologised in the past for treating and speaking to me like crap so he knows but then he just goes and does it.
I’m always one he takes it out on, bad day at work my fault, trouble in paradise (with OW) my fault, he’s ‘skint’ my fault. I feel like we’re still bloody together 🤦🏼‍♀️
He wanted to come round last night last minute and I said no I had plans and that was when his mood changed.
I have gone as far as asked his partner to either speak some sense into him or I will have to go through her because I won’t have him being like it.
I was in a really bad place and I feel like i’m drowning again.
The problem is I have to see him cause he sees the baby at the house (when he feels like it) probably about once a month.

[Phillipa12]

How old is the baby? My ex had all 3dc eow and that included the baby from 6 months as i had stopped breast feeding.

[BrightonTony]

Me and my ex have been separated for a year now and it's amazing. It was so hard at first, and your situation is different, but rest assured there is light at the end of the tunnel.
We're both so much happier now. You can do this. You've got strength you don't even know you have, and you will come out happier.

You'll get actual advice on this thread I'm sure - but I want to say stay strong and you will get there.

[LemonTT]

I think you need to put some rules in place for you and for him. You are not friends or friendly his behaviour isn't that of a friend or one you would keep in your life.

It doesn't mean you are not polite or cordial but you need to limit his involvement in your life. No odd jobs or ad hoc visits. Just confirm the dates and times he can pick up the older 2 and then state he can see the baby on the last Sunday of every month at 2 pm. Explain you will no longer tolerate him contacting you for any other reason other than to confirm pick ups and visits due to his verbal abuse. If you can take advice from local women's aide and may be get your solicitor to draft a cease and desist letter. Now is the time to put formal arrangements in place and show him the hand.

Don't let it just be swept under the carpet because he goes back to playing nice. Don't get sucked into he nice side again. Remember there is always a nasty side. The 2 go hand in hand with him. You are not his whipping boy.

[Tryingtofloat11]

Thanks for your support. I’ve sorted it now. His partner is going to do the drop offs and pick ups so I don’t have to see him anymore. She’s also going to be the person i’m going to contact now.
As for the youngest she’s 6 months but he barely bothers with her. The agreement was when I return to work he can have her overnight but she doesn’t even know him and she gets separation anxiety. So i’ve told him that he needs to contact a centre to see her regularly and then he can still have the overnights when I return to work.
I know this all seems over the top but he’s awful too me, he’s so bitter and just awful and so can’t cope with it anymore.
It’s been nearly a year now and still no better, in fact as time goes on the more bitter he gets.
His mum separates from his dad almost 9 years ago and she still can’t have a conversation with him for similar reasons.
Thanks for your support