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Help me advise my sister

(25 Posts)
parkinpig Mon 10-Dec-18 17:02:07

Hi, thanks for reading. My sister is very loved up so I don't think she's thought her situation through. I'd love to know where she stands.

Her: 40, rented flat, in London. No dc.

Him: 55, CO-HABITING. Partner similar age, kids 12 and 8. Also London.

House bought between Partners 15 years ago, now worth £750k. He wants to leave to live in a bedsit so he can start relationship with my sister on an equal footing.

He has told his Partner that she and kids can stay in the house indefinitely as long as his name stays on deeds. In lots of ways this is admirable, but when he and my sister get together, is it fair that his "first family" get to stay in This house whilst she and he share rented accommodation?

I'm prepared to be flamed but I'm worried she's getting a bad deal due to starry eyed state of being in love at 40.

Or should I butt out?

OP’s posts: |
altiara Mon 10-Dec-18 18:08:51

Butt out, he shouldn’t prioritise your sister over his children.

NotBeingRobbed Mon 10-Dec-18 19:45:42

Why can’t your sister find a single man?

parkinpig Mon 10-Dec-18 20:41:34

I think, from what she tells me, that he has been to Relate for some time and promised his partner if/when they split, those would be the terms. I don't believe (albeit second hand) that he is leaving because of her.

OP’s posts: |
NotBeingRobbed Mon 10-Dec-18 20:58:09

Why is your sister entitled to anyone else’s house? “First family” - what a rubbish term - you mean his children. Does she want to put them on the streets?

parkinpig Mon 10-Dec-18 21:58:21

I think I've expressed myself badly, for which I apologise.

I think what I'm worried about is that he's going to walk away with nothing, and my sis will suffer. Of course his children have a right to be supported and housed, and not to be worse off.

OP’s posts: |
NotBeingRobbed Mon 10-Dec-18 22:21:58

Why would that affect your sister? Has she ever thought of finding a way to support herself without a man?

nostaples Mon 10-Dec-18 22:51:07

None of your business twice over. Good that he's showing some consideration to his wife and children. He might say he's not leaving for the OW but the reality is that she's probably acted as a catalyst. Hope she's proud of that! And now trying to take from his children to boot! I speak as someone in the position of the wife BTW. Perhaps think about what that might be like - to be in a 15+ year relationship with children, to give your best years to your husband as well as your future hopes and dreams and then have him desert you for someone who has not cared and worked for his family for the last 15 years.

Atalune Mon 10-Dec-18 22:56:16

What he does with his current wife and children is his business and I am assumming if he stays on the deeds he will get a sweet ROI later on.

She does probably want to investigate what claims on his pension his wife will have given his age and make sure she has great pension provision.

Basically she should work on the assumption that she is single and be financially independent.

parkinpig Mon 10-Dec-18 22:56:59

Thank you @Atalune

OP’s posts: |
Atalune Mon 10-Dec-18 22:57:20

By that I mean she has her own pension and isn’t counting on him providing for her. Or that she will provide for him.

GreenTulips Mon 10-Dec-18 23:02:54

So this is a new relationship?

Is she expecting the wife to uproot the kids from their home family and friends and maybe even school as well as losing their father - so she and this man can share a cosy pad paid for from the proceeds of the familly home?

She rents - she won't be worse off unless she moves this man in and he continues to own a house as it's unlikely they will manage to buy together anyway.

Assume the house can be sole in 10 years when the kids leave?

Graphista Mon 10-Dec-18 23:04:47

Are you for real?!

IF this is really your sister and not you tell her to grow the fuck up and leave this for all intents and purposes MARRIED man and his YOUNG family the hell alone!

Certainly the person in the sisters position at 40 should

A know better!

B have ALREADY set their life up so they don't NEED a man to support them

C not want to literally take from CHILDREN!

What a despicable piece of work that person is (and that's me being restrained!)

blackcat86 Mon 10-Dec-18 23:06:56

She definitely needs to be financially independent and clear on what her plans are. If she's happy in a rented flat in London then great but if she's thinking of DCs then it may be a bad idea as the two households will be living very different lives. Ultimately if he keeps his name on the deeds he'll probably do well out of the property that will presumably continue to increase in value and he'll be supporting his DC to remain as stable as possible.

NotBeingRobbed Mon 10-Dec-18 23:08:13

OP, she should also be very wary of this man. As the old saying goes, if he’ll cheat on her he’ll cheat on you too.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe Mon 10-Dec-18 23:28:56

Give her the advice of not being so damn stupid then butt out. Be prepared to come back in less than 5 years to give her tea and a sympathetic ear even if she doesn't deserve it.

AlexaShutUp Mon 10-Dec-18 23:35:15

Sorry, I don't understand how your sister would "suffer". She is in rented accommodation now, and would be in rented accommodation with her new partner.

Are you saying that he is expecting her to subsidise him?

parkinpig Tue 11-Dec-18 00:18:47

Thanks for all your advice. Lots to talk her through.

OP’s posts: |
noego Tue 11-Dec-18 09:16:15

Sounds like a gold digger to me.

It won't last. He won't be as attractive in a bedsit methinks.

NotBeingRobbed Tue 11-Dec-18 09:40:40

When did she fall for him exactly, was it when he mentioned he had a £750k house? I expect he didn’t remember to mention the children at that point.

MissedTheBoatAgain Thu 13-Dec-18 06:29:56

Would not be surprised if the OP is not asking about her sister's situation, but her own? Whenever someone posts on behalf of a; friend, relative, colleague, etc., I am always suspicious.

parkinpig Thu 13-Dec-18 09:34:17

Categorically is my sister. Thanks for all the advice above the line.

OP’s posts: |
Enigmam Fri 14-Dec-18 08:15:02

I agree MTBA. Put simply, married man puts children first, new girlfriend thinks she's entitled to house or money 🙄 Tell your "sister" to stop being a money hungry gold digger! FFS!

Palaver1 Sun 23-Dec-18 08:22:44

If that house had no value you wouldn’t ask...
You have come across money grabbing ,
Your advice to your sis should really be stay away from him,and his family business .

NotBeingRobbed Sun 23-Dec-18 08:57:38

It’s amazing how attractive an older man can be when he owns a house worth a few hundred grand!

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