Husband becoming obsessive

[rtr1492]

It’s been a week since I asked my husband to leave. We’ve been together 6 years and things aren’t right and haven’t been for a long time. My family have always said he’s emotionally abusive and I’ve finally had the strength to go my own way and do what’s best for me and our 4 year old. Last week when we spoke I told him that I don’t want contact apart from discussions around our child. This weekend it was agreed I would have her with me and I went to my mums. Over the last two days I’ve received over 40 messages and phone calls. He’s also contacted my family and asked to talk to them. My question is, what’s the best course of action to take? I’ve ignored all the messages and phone calls at the moment because I made the boundaries clear. Does anyone have any similar experiences?

[spritesobright]

Oh OP, I don't have any great advice but I didn't want to read and run. How horrible for you and this seems to constitute a continuation of the emotional abuse you mentioned.
Are there any women's refuge charities you could contact for advice? Or maybe tell him that you consider his excessive messages to be harassment and you may have to contact the police if he continues.

My ex has been obsessing about the house since he left (current concern is the electric meter) and every time he texts I get anxious. It's horrible getting all those texts and it really does upset and rattle you. Which I suppose is his intention.

My therapist suggested I not look at them right away, just to defer the anxiety it causes me. But it's so difficult when you also have to contact about the children.

Would any of his family or friends be willing to intervene? Just a thought.

[rtr1492]

Thankyou for replying. As he was also contacting my family, my dad phoned him and explained he needed to back off a bit. I met him yesterday before our child’s nativity play and he apologised, but last night he was texting again. He text me to say he’d phoned the out of hours GP because he was worried about his mental health and the GP suggested he might have some sort of social anxiety, but again I feel this is all aimed to make me feel sorry for him and let him back into my life. Since he’s been gone I don’t miss him. I feel strong and in control of my own life now, it’s amazing the difference a week makes?! But like you say, every time I see a message or see his name pop up on my phone I become anxious. Thankyou again for replying.

[spritesobright]

You're very welcome and I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful or knowledgeable.

You're right to think that his social anxiety is not your problem and you shouldn't have to deal with it. I think my ex has OCD (some mild form anyways) with all his ridiculous texts. Great he's spoken to his doctor but yes, not your concern and he can no longer rely on you for the emotional support he seems to want.

If you don't miss him at all then clearly it was the right decision.

Separating in the age of social media and whatssap is a whole new world isn't it? At least previously these anxious men would have needed to call (also not great, but slightly less convenient).

This sounds terrible but sometimes I wish my ex's anxiety problems were worse so that he would actually need to get help or just clearly not be able to get 50% custody (which is what he wants).

As it is, they are just bad enough that he can pretend to function as a rational, reasonable individual whilst harassing me with petty complaints.

Nice that your dad stepped in and I'm glad you have family around you.

[NoWayNoHow]

Sorry you're having to deal with this, OP, but pleased that you're already feeling the relief of being out of that situation and feeling more in control of your life.

It might be too early for this, but could you get a new phone number to give to everyone else and tell your H that the existing number will now only be for contact regarding your DC? That way, you only have to turn it on at certain times that are convenient for you, and you dont' have to put up with the bombarding.

Alternatively, I agree with PP who says a quick message to say that this quantity of messages feels like harrassment and you'd like him to stop contacting you unless it's regarding DC otherwise you'll have to report him.

[CoconutGal]

OP this is exactly what my ex husband did to me but for months. Still continuing now. Unfortunately I have ended up blocking his number. We are unable to communicate without him getting nasty. Keep to your boundaries, it's hard, really hard but he will get the message. If you do ever feel like it's too much or getting concerning for you, please do report him. Sometimes an authoritative figure having a word works wonders. Good luck & I hope it settles for you & DD.

[SusieQ5604]

Here in the US that would be considered cyberstalking and electronic harassment, both of which are crimes you can report to the police.