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My wife lost herself

(12 Posts)
Brandon85 Sun 09-Dec-18 03:43:13

I could use a little feedback because I’m facing something brand new in my life and it is destroying me. Me and my wife have been together over 10yrs and married over 5 of them. My wife has recently told me she doesn’t love me anymore and hasn’t for awhile. She can’t even tell me one thing she loves about me or that made her fall in love with me in the first place. She says she cares about me still and that I didn’t do anything wrong and that she has been super unhappy. She says it’s her and that she needs to figure out who she is and what she wants in life. She says her ultimate goal is to come back and be with me but she can’t until she figures this stuff out because she is tired of being fake and doesn’t want to string me along.

She moved out while I was gone for a couple days with work. I came home and all her stuff was out. We currently have an arrangement with our two young children where they live with me and she will be at my home with them after they finish school till I get home. She still cooks dinner most of the time and we talk almost every night for quite awhile on the phone like we did when we were dating.

I guess I’m wondering if this is a fairly common thing and if the space apart ever works out good for anyone?

She still wants to have sex with me which is important because it makes me feel as if she has no commitment to anyone else.

I just love her so much and can’t understand how she can just stop loving me just like that. Ive often told my friends how lucky I was to have such a good cool wife. Ive always felt blessed in a way. I’ve given her pretty much anything she ever asked for and done all the things we could possibly do that she wanted. We are a great team and in my eyes achieved so much. We don’t fight about hardly anything, just little typical married couple arguments here and there.

OP’s posts: |
pallasathena Sun 09-Dec-18 04:59:58

You say she tells you that she needs to figure out who she is and what she wants from life and that she cares for you but doesn't know if she loves you.
That's heartbreaking OP.
I've noticed over the years that people who settle down early in life often have a personal crisis after ten years or so. I've worked with several women who've admitted to losing themselves for years in domesticity and child care and then needed to temporarily escape via a job, education or a fresh start on their own.
It's a 'grass is greener', syndrome for some. A desperate attempt to live a life more authentic for others.
While she's busy finding herself you need to think about your wants and needs. Can you put up with the current situation indefinitely? Can you see a future together?
You need to talk it out with her and consider some marriage guidance sessions to help you through this difficult time.
It's all about her though at the moment.
What about you?

Weenurse Sun 09-Dec-18 06:08:21

Are you and the children ok?
What is it that you want?

MarieG10 Sun 09-Dec-18 07:46:25

Brandon. I'm sorry sorry to hear what you are experiencing but in my experience I think there is more to this than what she is telling you. This feels like a version of "the script" in reverse and despite her still having sex with you,there is someone in the background and she is trying to decide which way to jump. She may not have even had sex with him yet.

If she has moved out then she really needs to understand what life will be like going forward as (whatever her reasons). Put in place proper arrangements for access to the children and stop having sex with her which will just make her feel better but also confuse her. If she can't have the children wherever she is staying then she takes them out for the day but stop carrying on like you are still married and together apart from she doesn't stay in the same house overnight.

It is difficult but if she needs to find herself, living an unreal existing won't help

Nanalisa60 Sun 09-Dec-18 07:53:58

does she still work have a career?

Unescorted Sun 09-Dec-18 07:57:21

I am guessing at her motivation here... And there may well be another person. However it sounds as if she could feel she being smothered by other people's expectations.

She still cooks dinner... people say she is a cool wife... She still has sex with me ..
They are all other people's version of her time and what she ought to conform to What happened to her along the way? Maybe she has simply grown tired of doing what other people want to the detriment of her wants.

Brandon85 Sun 09-Dec-18 13:48:39

Believe me I haven’t ruled out the “someone else” possibility. I asked her but I’m sure you all can guess as to what the answer was.
She did say a lot of these feelings started while I was deployed overseas. She said she was forced to grow in so many ways. She really got used to not having me there to help run the household and it was tough reintegrating back to any type of normal lifestyle... but it’s been a year since I’ve been home.
The kid situation just boils down to she doesn’t want to take them away from me because she knows they are all I really have. Plus she doesn’t want to pull them out of their school. They will most likely be with her most weekends though. They are there now.

For me this all sucks. I hate it and think it’s stupid and we have accomplished everything else together, I don’t see why we couldn’t have figured this out together if she just talked to me. We do plan on looking for a counselor this week. Also she agreed not to rule out depression and be seen by a psychiatrist. I don’t know if there will be a future for us or not but I’m going to make sure I give it everything I got before I quit on her. I truely love her so much. That’s why I’m tryinf to give her this space and not push her away further. I want to be able to say I have it my best shot to my kids when they ask me one day.
Tough part is trying not to lose myself right now. Holidays been tough since I lost my mother and grandmother, the other two most important women in my life.

OP’s posts: |
pointythings Sun 09-Dec-18 14:10:31

She did say a lot of these feelings started while I was deployed overseas. She said she was forced to grow in so many ways. She really got used to not having me there to help run the household and it was tough reintegrating back to any type of normal lifestyle...

This is a pivotal paragraph for me. She grew and changed while you were away and she liked the changes. So why did she feel she had to change back to the way things were? You mention 'any type of normal lifestyle' - what does that even mean? Clearly she did things differently while you were away. Was the way she changed things bad? Did she feel pressured to change back and if so, where did that pressure come from?

I don't think a psychiatrist is necessarily going to help. It sounds to me as if you need to discuss both your expectations of what you want your life together to be with someone neutral.

Brandon85 Sun 09-Dec-18 14:49:54

Thing was we were taught before we got home to not try to change anything. The hard part is finding when and where to insert yourself. Sometimes I would try and she would be like “I got it” other times I’d try to stay out the way and she would say ”are you going to just sit there”. It was really confusing time honestly lol.

Normal lifestyle just referred to pre deployment. When we had a rhythm together as a team instead of the new improved her. Her changes weren’t bad but still when you go there it’s feels like time went fast so you don’t expect the major changes. It was tough even with the kids. The things they liked before I left they didn’t like when I got back. It was really strange.

I’ve never asked her to change once. In fact I’ve always encouraged her with everything she ever wanted to do. Job changes, going places, going back to college. I fully support what she wants even if it changed 30 times in the course of a week.

I give 100% of me and all I want is for her to be happy by my side and a good mother to our children. Everything else is just kinda not that important. I don’t expect her to love me everyday... hell I don’t love me everyday either but that’s ok. Some days are better than others.

OP’s posts: |
Colabottle10 Sun 09-Dec-18 15:01:10

She's stringing you along.

She's either with you or she's not, none of this 'finding herself' bollocks.

She's playing the waiting game to decide whether:
A) whoever she has lined up is ready for her
B) she can go through with the split.

This is a half ripped off plaster situation.

If the genders where reversed, everyone would be telling you to kick her out.

Brandon85 Sun 09-Dec-18 16:03:06

I get your point of view too. It’s one of the scenarios in my mind as well. The mind is a dangerous place.

OP’s posts: |
pointythings Sun 09-Dec-18 16:07:35

Cola I don't think anyone on MN would be encouraging OP to kick his OH out without proof of infidelity hmm.

But you two do need to talk. And that also means that she has to articulate where her unhappiness is coming from - she has as much responsibility in this as you do.

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