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Ex won't let me see our baby

(10 Posts)
GlennM Mon 26-Nov-18 13:09:39


My ex broke up with me a few weeks ago after a 2.5 year relationship. I did not agree to an ultimatum so she ended it. There is a big back story to that but I'm more concerned about seeing our 5 month old baby.

Over the past few weeks I have been allowed access about 6-7 hours per week, spread across 3 visits. This has been really hard for me. I used to care for her a lot and had her multiple times staying overnight on my own. I miss her so much.

My ex has been sending angry messages to my whatsapp to the point where I started only responding to any regarding our baby. Her last message yesterday was "You are no longer welcome near my home". I replied "How am I going to see [redacted] then". She replied "You won't". I am worried now that she will not let me visit our baby and am not sure what steps to take. I have done a little research about mediation and courts but want to avoid a long drawn out process if possible.

I don't want DC to forget my face, I miss her so much every day. Do I try talking to her family to see if they will speak to her?

[Name edited out by MNHQ]

OP’s posts: |
Drawtheline14 Mon 26-Nov-18 13:58:38

Little and often is usually advised for a baby as young as yours, the problem is she doesn’t have to let you in her home for contact and I think at this age as you have had little access (albeit not your fault) it is likely that at first all you’d get is visits at a contact centre which is typically one hour a week, so not a lot. But babies have short memories and if you have seen her this little it wouldn’t be in her best interests to go with you straight away and you wouldn’t be granted overnight stays through court at this age. Typically it is usually 18 months or so but can be as early as a year if you have had a lot of involvement from the beginning.
Your best bet is to try and contact her, ask if you can meet somewhere if she doesn’t want you at her home for example soft play, a walk, or even swimming. Something like that.
You’re really better off at this age at trying to work with her mother, and I know at the moment she won’t but has something upset her apart from your break up?
Give her time, and maybe get in touch with a mediator. I think you get four months from your miam to be able to take her to court but at this age it will be unlikely court would benefit you.
Sorry you’re going through this.

GlennM Mon 26-Nov-18 14:24:14

I don't mind if it isn't at her home. I live 45 minutes away at the minute. I did try driving it for one of the visits and it worked out I got to see her for 1.5 hours with a total of 3 hours driving, so it isn't really sustainable to bring her back to my house. I am happy to take her to a coffee shop or play area though, I just want to see her. The problem is she just doesn't want me in her life, its not specifically her home that is the problem.

Up until a few weeks ago we lived together and I got to see [redacted] every day. It's so hard going from that to barely anything or potentially nothing. I imagine it will be much harder around Christmas, not sure how I will cope with that if I can't see her.
Is there a 4 month gap before I can do anything with courts? I offered booking a mediation appointment but she is not interested in that.

*Identifying information edited by MNHQ*

OP’s posts: |
Drawtheline14 Mon 26-Nov-18 14:38:28

Definitely try mediation but she may not even attend which will look bad on her in court. From your first meeting you get four months to apply to court I believe before having to have the first meeting again. I think anyway I haven’t gone through the process myself. But I do believe anytime from the first appointment you can apply but you do have to give her time to contact them etc. She’ll either book it on, attend, book it in and not show up or not bothering to contact them at all. It will really look bad on her though.
It’s sad that she doesn’t want you in her life. Do you think she has met someone and is now trying to play happy families? Either way it doesn’t justify it

Queenofthedrivensnow Mon 26-Nov-18 14:44:49

Just make the application to court I wouldn't waste any more time. The initial application fee is £215 if you self represent. It will take up to 6 weeks to get an initial hearing and then all family law cases have to conclude within 6 months so you are looking at 7.5 months from now.
Unless you are a huge safeguarding risk you will get awarded some kind of contact. Do it now

lifebegins50 Mon 26-Nov-18 20:57:50

Request mediation in writing with a timeframe to respond. Then if she doesn't respond apply to court.

You can do it yourself and doesn't need solicitors..unless there are specific issues.

Did the issue of breakup cause ant concerns for your daughter? Such as drugs or alcohol, gambing etc.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe Tue 27-Nov-18 04:05:47

@Queenofthedrivensnow unless there is a good reason you need to attempt mediation before applying for a court hearing.

Queenofthedrivensnow Tue 27-Nov-18 07:22:35

Yes you need a MIAM as part of the court process. My point wS that the op is saying they are tying to avoid a drawn out process and I was saying it isn't anymore.

inlectorecumbit Tue 27-Nov-18 15:47:06

GlennM Mon 26-Nov-18 14:24:14

I reported this post as your DD's name has been mentioned.

Doyoumind Tue 27-Nov-18 16:02:03

Just to agree with PPs that this doesn't need to be a long process and you should start it sooner rather than later.

If you attend a mediation session and she won't, you can get a form signed to proceed to court. You complete an application and should have a first hearing in 6 weeks or so. At that first court date you will be encouraged to come to an agreement. If that doesn't happen then there will be further court dates and decisions made by the court if you can't come to an agreement.

Unless there are major safeguarding concerns the court will order regular contact. Your ex will not be viewed positively if she tries to deny contact.

Do some more research and come up with a contact proposal that the courts are likely to view positively. If contact is day time only to start with, propose how you see it progressing to over nights.

She is being unfair to your child as well as you by not letting you see her. I would try to negotiate regular, scheduled visits where you take the baby to a play centre or cafe etc and encourage your ex to consider what the courts are likely to do. Don't be threatening about it but make sure she understands that she can't stop you from seeing your child and she has to set her own feelings aside and think about the baby.

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