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Don't feel I am strong enough, Please help me not give up(3 Posts)
Sorry this may be long.
STBXH and I separated few months ago. We have two DDs 3yrs and 9yrs. He has since rented a flat nearby and has furnished it very nicely, he took the kids to pick the furniture for their rooms and for the house (sofas, dinning table/chairs) and to buy them a pet.
I have been the primary carer, I work 3 days a week and the occasional weekend, I have a childminder to help on the weekdays I go to work, dad looks after them on the weekends I work.
Before separation, he used to get home from work anytime from 8pm up to 11pm..on some occasion at midnight. Post separation, he is back from work 6:30pm - 7pm. He comes to visit the kids as he chooses - which could be everyday, every other day. There is no pattern despite me asking repeatedly for structure and routine to his visits. I have taken the kids to visit with him at his house but he brought the 3 yr old back after 15mins.The 9 yr old idolises her dad and has indicated she wants to live with him. She is excited by her new pet STBXH is getting her, dream bed and living in a new house.
Yesterday, he told me that he wants 50:50 custody as well as having physical access to them on the days they are not with him. He has contacted a mediator to facilitate this.
He also said he is leaving his job to get one which would give him more time with the children. He has also already hired a childminder for when he will have them 50:50 (childminder is his relative).
I don't mind him having the children 50:50 but when the youngest is about 5 -6 years (in year 1).
I fear mediation may be a failure. He has been verbally, emotionally and financially abusive. Still is. STBXH is very controlling and likes to intimidate me physically. He was physically abusive on one occasion which led to police involvement.
I already feel intimidated and may give in to his demands because I am scared of him even though I feel the chop and change of 50:50 would not give the children stability they need now. And I don't have the financial resources to fight it.
How likely is STBXH to get 50:50? How does a mediator help in this situation with different views?
I found this OP, childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/family-mediation/ it might by useful?
In your case, it sounds like mediation is probably not sensible, he's abusive. At the very least though, it says you can opt for separate appointments with the mediator or you can not agree to go?
I don't know anything about the legalities of it all, have you seen a solicitor yourself? I think it would be worthwhile, and on the face of it, it seems unlikely that he'll get 50:50, given that you work around the children etc. But a solicitor would be best placed to advise. Good luck, you must be so drained. But you are strong, you can do this, you are providing your children with a strong role model and a safe future, you're amazing
It is really reassuring to read your reply.
I have consulted with a solicitor. She thinks it is unlikely STBXH will get 50:50 custody.
I am still worried though because it seems a lot of parents on number threads are having 50:50 with children much younger than mine (and quite a few of those court ordered).
I don't mind STBXH having 50:50 but my 3yr old would not cope with that now. My 9 yr old would be absolutely fine.
My solicitor felt I would have no trouble getting a Non-Mol, PSO and a Occupation orders. Lots of reasons for that. The judge granted a non-mol but not PSO or Occupation order. Which put my DC and I's safety at risk.
I had to stop the non-mol order going out.
My solicitor was so sure a judge would not hesitate to give me all three orders. And that's made me worry that a solicitor's advice is not a sure thing. May not necessarily be a true picture. No offence to any solicitors here.
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