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Don't know where to start

(20 Posts)
MBBB Tue 20-Nov-18 22:39:22

Married with 2 kids. Partner not worked for 15 years, I work full time. I also run the household, partner does do household tasks but only when asked to (or nagged to). Partner often verbally aggressive, including to children. I want to divorce. Partner agrees but only if I "sort everything out". Expectation is kids will be with me majority of time and partner will occasionally have them. Partner not anticipating to return to work and I will financially support. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I know divorce will be best for kids but I am struggling to find the will and energy to keep going. The burden of work, managing the household and caring for the kids takes everything out of me. I don't know where to find the energy to drive the divorce and I am struggling even to start. Any advice welcome.

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LizzieBennettDarcy Tue 20-Nov-18 22:44:28

Why is he the one in control here? You need to get serious legal help and get him out of your life.

How on earth have you managed 15 years of this?? There has to be a better future for you and don't look back flowers

DeeStopia Tue 20-Nov-18 22:48:31

I swear to God, you'll feel like a new woman once he's gone. Don't treat him like a child that you are responsible for. Get a solicitor.

over50andfab Tue 20-Nov-18 22:53:38

OP can I ask if there is reason that your partner cannot work, or why they only contribute a small amount of help to the household? Who normally looks after the kids if you work full time - say after school and school holidays (guessing they are school age?.

Also have you been married over 20 years?

over50andfab Tue 20-Nov-18 22:53:56

Whoops *10 years

MBBB Tue 20-Nov-18 23:08:44

Child care is split. I take to school most days but he picks up and looks after until I get home. Kids are my responsibility as soon as I get through the door. I cook most evenings and weekends. He gave up work to provide child care when kids were young (though couldn't cope with this and kids went to nursery). He never wanted to go back to work. When we bought house (more than 10 years ago) the deal was he would renovate whilst kids at school, and this would be his contribution. Unfortunately never delivered, a few rooms are done but only after "nagging". Fed up of coming home to a dump.

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over50andfab Tue 20-Nov-18 23:30:57

Ah ok. So you are the Mum? Not that it matters. Well if he can work, there is no reason you have to support him if you get divorced. Normally if you are married, on divorce the wage earner would support the non earner financially at the beginning while they get back into the workplace. If not married there is no requirement to do this. Does your partner know this?

You really need to see a solicitor to get the ball rolling. Importance is always given to the children and their welfare.

I could tell you where to get more info if you were married, but if you are not there are very few rights involved.

What does your partner even do all day confused

MBBB Tue 20-Nov-18 23:39:49

Thanks, please do point me in the right direction as we are married. What does he do - social media and hobbies

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over50andfab Tue 20-Nov-18 23:59:40

Oh ok. Well a good starting place is the MCA section 25 here:
It gives you a rough idea of what is taken into account. As I said, the children come first - being housed, having their needs met.

Financially if a long marriage (over 10years) the starting split is 50/50.then adjustments are made due to things like the earning capacity of each side.

Wikivorce has some good info on it. Some family solicitors will let you have the first hr/½ hr free for advice. Ideally you would both have your own solicitors, and if you can’t agree, could then try mediation.

MissedTheBoatAgain Wed 21-Nov-18 01:15:32


Your ex will be expected to seek work and maximize his earnings so that he can contribute to the cost of raising the children. If he is an habitual lazy git then maybe you need to target receiving most of the assets as it maybe the only thing you receive.

As another poster has said the needs of the Children will be given priority. The younger they are the more likely you will receive the larger share of assets.

Sounds like you have to the one that files the Divorce petition and incurs the costs (550 pounds I think). Suggest you file on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour as the most simple and sounds like you have sufficient examples. Your solicitor will be able to advise on this.

Good luck.

MBBB Thu 22-Nov-18 19:11:34

Thanks. I guess I just need to take a deep breath and get on with it!!

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MissedTheBoatAgain Fri 23-Nov-18 00:15:06

I guess I just need to take a deep breath and get on with it

Yes. The more you hesitate the worse it could be as court costs seem to be rising much faster than inflation. In 2015 I paid 410 pounds to file the Divorce Petition. Now it is 550 pounds. a 35% rise in 3 years!!!!!

Whatever you do please don't make it a contest. Settle amicably otherwise you will pay a fortune in legal costs. My Divorce cost 35K. On another thread on person took out a 100K loan for their Divorce and spent the lot!

MBBB Mon 26-Nov-18 11:38:51

So down today. Just want to cry and give up. Tension in the house is awful. Husband says he can’t move out and I can’t afford a second house with enough room for me and kids. Everyone unhappy.

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MissedTheBoatAgain Tue 27-Nov-18 00:54:50

Everyone unhappy

In many marriages it is often the case that assets can not be split and both partners move on and continue with same lifestyle as before as though nothing had happened as there is not enough to go around.

My Ex could not handle that and sadly lost a fortune in Legal Fees trying to convince the Courts that hers and child's lifestyle must not change in any way and that as I had been the applicant for the Divorce I was the one that should suffer.

Settle amicably if you can otherwise a big chunk of what you have may disappear in Legal costs.

Good luck

MBBB Sun 02-Dec-18 22:46:13

I just need to rant to let off steam somewhere anonymous. He is being such an arse, leaving everything for me to do (child care, housework, washing, feeding kids and he is just "staying out of the way".) He then shows up to play with the kids for 10mins at bedtime. Then sits and plays computer games. He can't be left alone with the kids because of his temper but won't move out either. So I am left trying to juggle childcare for when I am at work, as he is no longer aloud to do it. Social services make me feel bad as I "let him shout at the kids". I didn't let him, I kept asking him to go to anger management and because he wouldn't I asked him to leave. Overwhelmed. Exhausted, No longer want to wake up but I have to for the kids.

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MissedTheBoatAgain Mon 03-Dec-18 00:03:10

Other than bringing the marriage to an end I can't think of another way to get rid of an abuse Partner?

My Ex wife was a control freak and became violent when things not done her way. Used to take it out on her daughter (my stepdaughter) when I was out if sight. Attacked several times. Sometimes had to stay at my parents house for safety.

TweetieFruFru Mon 03-Dec-18 00:41:12

OP I feel for you. Unfortunately he has been using you and now will benefit again because the law is an ass. Unfair to you and your poor children. Get rid, otherwise you’ll be stuck with him for ever.

mummmy2017 Mon 03-Dec-18 00:46:28

How much equity, other assets do you have?

TweetieFruFru Mon 03-Dec-18 00:49:47

It’s really a highly abusive situation but the law won’t see it that way. This is happening to women more and more.

MissedTheBoatAgain Mon 03-Dec-18 02:52:27

This is happening to women more and more

Men can be affected too

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