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My wife is leaving me

(10 Posts)
Dean88 Tue 20-Nov-18 09:56:29

Hello everyone, really after some advice how to move forward from anyone who's been in my situation.

Me and my wife have been together got 5 years married 2. We have a beautiful little girl who's about to turn 2.

At the beginning of the relationship we had some insecure moments, both of us maybe on and off for 2 years. We reassured each other and everything was great. Last year she started chatting to men online. This made me insecure, it was platonic nothing else but it made me uneasy. We argued about it and she would stop doing it to "make things easier" it reassured my insecurites and i let it go. I realise now it's too late I should have never let her do that but everything went back to normal when she did so I became complacent.

This happened a few time's over 3 years and recently I began night shifts. I've never done them before but after a few I became really emotional and struggled to control myself and any filter. It was as though my emotional walls all fell down. She began talking to a friend of mine quite excessively. I questioned her about it and she said it's just chitchat. But she would message first thing in a morning right through to bedtime. When I asked to spend time just us she would say she shouldn't have to stop talking to him etc. This built up until he randomly blocked both of us on all social media. Back to us again and things were fine. Last week she told me she needed a week to herself to have some space, I moves to my dad's for the week with the little one while she did. I came back and she told me she no longer wants to be with me. She has been in abusive relationships in the past where men have tried to control her, she tells me I'm trying to control her too. I ask is there no way we can even try l, 5 years and a family seem to be worth that but she says no she won't be controlled anymore.

I have never actively controlled her not purposefully but she believes I have. Because of this there is no way she's going to let me back in and try again. I'm at an absolute loss my world has fallen apart around me. I began counciling yesterday to address my insecurites but my wife says it's a personality trait that is not something I can change. She also tells me I've been manipulating through the relationship too. Im just a guy who goes to work and looks after my family. I'm not some master manipulator!

Yes I have my downfalls that I'm trying to adress now but she says she's "snapped". She had pnd when the baby wa's born which was never addressed and lately suffering from depression. She told me her depression goes away when I'm not there. On our time apart she also got in touch with my ex about me which I found disturbing.

Sorry for the rant I dont know where to turn anymore. My life is in pieces.


OP’s posts: |
2018anewstart Tue 20-Nov-18 22:11:18

It doesn't sound right if your wife is messaging other men from morning to night especially if she knows you are slightly insecure about it. If she wanted to make this relationship work she would be investing time in the two of you and not other men. Take some time out from this relationship and get yourself in a good place, if someone is making you feel insecure in a relationship it is not a good relationship to be in. Spend lots of time with your daughter and invest in that relationship. It might feel like your world is falling apart but you may find you have happier and more quality time with your daughter now than before and it could be the beginning of a better life to the one you have now.

m0vinf0rward Fri 23-Nov-18 15:23:38

The controlling accusations are just a tactic to defend herself against calling out her cheating. I would lay money on her sleeping with someone else when you went away for the week. This happens so often, one party gets bored after a while. It's interesting that you describe her past BFs as controlling) abusive, IMHO some women chase after the bad boys yet proclaim they want a nice guy. They eventually do marry a nice guy only to miss the drama and 'excitement' of dating a guy who treats them like dirt, eventually divorcing Mr nice to chase after yet more bad boys. In virtually every case they go from one disaster to the next. My advice....leave her and get your legal ducks in line. Even if you try and salvage it she's sown the seeds of distrust which WILL eventually destroy your marriage.

disneyspendingmoney Fri 23-Nov-18 20:22:40

Mate. I think you should re-read you own post quite slowly and carefully and read between the lines.

There are things in it, that as an average bloke in the street, have got me feeling uncomfortable. Your language is very careful not to let the cat out of the bag about your own behaviours and interpretations. And as to the things your very carefully intimating about your DW and the way you structure it, gives me the feeling that your trying to say something very nasty about her that would be better on 4chan.

First, I seriously doubt that she cheated at all. It's a lot less common than we are leading to believe. Especially if your a mum looking after a kid under 33 (and a mabchild

Second, the level of interaction you describe her having with other men is near impossible unless you've been reading too many Ashley Madison marketing blogs to sucker in men who think all women are up for it.

Third she's probably just got tired of your incessant neediness and man do you come across as needy and in need of validation that your interpretation is right.

Perhaps a visit to a men's rights site or a Going Your Own Way site would be a better place for you to vent your feelings about your partner.

Finally. I don't think your life is in pieces, it's a relationship that has come to an end. And they do end and the best way to move forwards is to stop overthinking it, stop trying to blame her for some perception that you have to justify why she doesn't want to be with you. Be amicable, eh! Be reasonable, try a bit of empathy regarding why she thinks your controlling and maybe get a cat.

oofadoofa Sat 24-Nov-18 18:57:18

You’re being unnecessarily harsh there. Can kind of see where you’re coming from regarding reading through the lines and milking the victim card, a little, but there’s a few lines from her side too and it would be hard to imagine such a dismissive response if the boot was on the other foot and it was the husband texting someone else/asking the family to disappear for a week.

Agree about life not being in pieces after the end of a relationship, though.

AnyFucker Sat 24-Nov-18 18:59:44

She's at it, mate. Clear as day.

PouchofDouglas Sat 24-Nov-18 19:02:11

Christ Disney. You’re reading a lot from one post!!
She’s having an affair. Btw why did you and the kid move out?!

twattymctwatterson Sat 24-Nov-18 19:23:24

them before but after a few I became really emotional and struggled to control myself and any filter. It was as though my emotion

Can you expand on this? There's a lot that's happened here that you've left unsaid.

twattymctwatterson Sat 24-Nov-18 19:23:52

*bold fail

lifebegins50 Sat 24-Nov-18 20:47:18

What is your housing situation? Does your W work?

I think if she is asking to separate then you must respect her decision.
It is not right if she talks to other men...did you see the content or what sites she is visiting?
Did you ask your friend what she was discussing with him?

Good for you for's very important to be truly honest with yourself and the counsellor and only then you will heal/recover.

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