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First relationship since DH - scared

(14 Posts)
Pippioddstocking Wed 07-Nov-18 07:08:56

Hello everyone . I've been in a new relationship for 2.5 months and the past marriage has left me a little terrified .
I'm in the process of divorce , we separated in late spring and although it seemed amicable it turned out he possibly had an affair and Is still still with this woman.

My main question is , after years and years with one man , how do you adjust to a new relationship . This new man is so lovely , we have loads in common and I really really like him .However the whole relationship thing has left me terrified .

Would you be willing to share how you successfully moved on ?

Thank you

OP’s posts: |
Lweji Wed 07-Nov-18 07:10:50

What terrifies you?

fedupandnogin Wed 07-Nov-18 07:11:34

It's hard and takes time. MY ExH also had an affair. It would be easy to say take one day at a time and relax and enjoy. But I know that it's not that easy.

0SweetPotatoMash0 Wed 07-Nov-18 07:12:23

I would be interested in this too. I got divorced in September, separated for 18 months before that. I feel alone and want a new relationship. Yet I don't seem to be able to start OLD, which I think is the only way I could meet someone. I am not sure what's holding me back.

Sohardtochooseausername Wed 07-Nov-18 07:14:07

I’m following with interest as I’m in the process of the end of a serious relationship where my ex partner lied and was unfaithful to me.

I can understand why you would be terrified - I don’t know if I could trust anyone again. I’d also be afraid of losing myself again into a couple, as my ex partner was a massive drain on my energy and stopped me socialising. Is that similar to what you are thinking?

whenlifegetshard Wed 07-Nov-18 07:18:13

If it was only in the spring it might just be a little soon? Can you just take it slowly for now and enjoy spending time together without putting too much pressure on it?

Lonecatwithkitten Wed 07-Nov-18 07:29:44

My marriage ended due to various issues including Ex having an affair as a result I struggled with how to trust anyone.
DP is a widow whose wife died after a long protracted illness he is terrified of loving someone and then losing them to illness.
After a certain age we all have baggage if the relationship is going to work you are honest about your baggage and work on it together.

Lweji Wed 07-Nov-18 08:20:09

Just don't have too many expectations atm. It's good that you went back on the saddle, sort of. Just don't expect it to be the love of your life but also don't compare him to your ex.
Just take it easy and enjoy the relationship.

Pippioddstocking Wed 07-Nov-18 08:58:51

Thank you everyone for your replies .

I agree with the poster who said it's hard to " loose yourself in a couple again' I think it's hard to open yourself to someone knowing that it could hurt you again , it's hard that someone might have expectations about you not in a judging sort of way but in a normal relationship sort of way
I think inwardly I'm thinking that in the end do we all end up hurting each other and I can't help feeling pessimistic even at the start .
He really is the perfect man, we met through our hobby , I've known him superficially for years , we have friends in common , lots of shared interests and have great fun together .He's kind , attentive , totally gorgeous . He's also divorced so understands what I'm going through and is happy to take things slowly. It was me who made the first move so I have no idea why I'm so terrified ! He's made it clear he's falling in love with me but for some reason that makes me want to run for the hills .

OP’s posts: |
noego Wed 07-Nov-18 17:15:15

Relax, don't overthink it. He's happy to take it slowly so there is no rush. Plenty of time.

The thing about break ups of relationships is that they do happen. They do hurt, but people do survive and they do move on. Don't let the thought of that frighten you. Live your life without inhibitions. If you feel uncomfortable at anytime, back off and question it. That's all you have to do.

Pippioddstocking Thu 08-Nov-18 07:04:46

Noego thsfs great advice, thank you . X

OP’s posts: |
missbee90 Mon 10-Dec-18 22:47:40

Pippioddstocking - I can relate fully!! My STBX left me 7 months ago, we were together 11 years and married a year.. he quite simply decided he wanted to go and be single and wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore .. it was all a huge shock, no children but we were together since I was 17.

I had NO interest in meeting someone but have been speaking / casually dating someone I’ve known a while for a short period of time.. he’s gorgeous, caring, thoughtful, hilarious etc etc BUT I just can’t seem to let my guard down or allow myself to fall for him.

Like you in terrfied, I’m not terrified of him hurting me.. for some reason I trust him ALOT for someone who has been so deeply hurt by an ex but i’m worried it’s too soon and I’m going to constantly be thinking about my ex.. he’s been dating someone else since 8 weeks after he left so I wish I could have a bit of his attitude!

My advice (and let’s hope I take my own advice!) enjoy it but don’t put pressure on yourself to be ready for an “official relationship”.. if he’s a good guy then he will understand and things will move as and when the time is right xx

spritesobright Tue 11-Dec-18 12:41:11

Hi OP,
I'm in sort of similar situation. I was with my STBXH for 14 years, two kids and he left and had an affair 7 months ago. I started online dating a few months ago for a 'distraction' but found myself falling for someone rather more quickly than I'd imagined.

I really thought it would just be some casual thing but now my strong feelings are a bit scary. I have found the best thing to do is just be open and honest with new bf about this.

He and I have talked a lot about our anxieties regarding the future and agreed to just try and enjoy what we have now, like missbee suggested.

Part of me doubts whether my feelings could be really 'sincere' given how long we've dated (6 weeks), but then again, that's how I feel.

Lately I've been thinking about how difficult it might be to one day commit to each other by moving in because suddenly that involves step-parenting.

I think my advice for successfully moving on is just trying to be realistic about what it is and isn't, so not planning too far into the future or rushing things by introducing kids or friends before we're ready for that.

I find myself resenting the idea that this is just a 'rebound' relationship but then I suppose only time will tell if it's genuine and can survive.

MarieG10 Wed 12-Dec-18 21:54:12

You are still divorcing and only split this year. Are you really ready for another relationship.? Perhaps it would feel more natural if you were ready?

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