Overnight contact

[GrainySmooth]

I would really appreciate some advice.
Spouse and I have recently separated. Spouse is now living with a "friend".

DD spent the night there recently after going out for the afternoon. I was not really happy about this but was feeling unwell that night so let it go.

The "friend" has since emailed me saying I am not allowed to go to the address (not that I would want to, but I do need to know where my child is...) and accused me of being mentally ill. 

I feel uneasy about DD being there overnight, the email was quite unpleasant. "Friend" is obviously siding with my ex who has clearly been bad mouthing me.... However this could impact on DD.

No court involvement or anything yet. I am totally new to all this - what my rights are/ exes rights?

I will be getting legal advice but wondered if MN had any advice to impart?

[GrainySmooth]

Anyone?

[Newchapterstarting]

How old is your DD? It doesn't sound like a very positive environment for her to be in.
I'm just separated and my H isn't somewhere that he can have our DS to stay so I can't speak from experience.
I wonder if you post this in AIBU whether you'd get more replies?
Sending hugs, it must be tough to deal with this. Hopefully someone will come along soon with more advice x

[LemonTT]

So DD is entitled to a relationship with her father and he is responsible for her care. The same applies to you. It is reasonable for her to regular time with her and it is important for her wellbeing. The more contact he has the more likely he will stay in her life. That you both accept and encourage your individual parental bonds is important. Your conflict should not be her conflict.

In relation to the current situation. I don’t know if you are being reasonable or not in denying overnight visits because you haven’t said why you are uneasy. It is not clear who the friend is, why the inverted commas? What is the friendship with you and your ex?

As I understand it you have already agreed for her to stay over. Presumably you accepted it was safe and suitable for this to happen. I note your comment about being sick, but that wouldn’t have made it any more or any less safe or suitable. In saying that I am playing devils advocate. You need to articulate the issues you have with the environment.

As to the friend’s email, how did this come about and why have they taken issue with you? Was it unsolicited or is there a backstory here? It could be a sign of something amiss with the friend and therefore the environment. However it could be that there is acrimony between you and them. This doesn’t necessarily have an impact on contact. It’s a facet of divorce and separation.

I wouldn’t think it was a nice thing to read. But at the end of the day, your ex is an ex for a reason. He may not like you and it is likely he speaks to his friend about you. That’s what people do. It’s doesnt mean he or they bad mouth you to your daughter.

If they were then parental alienation would be an issue. But you would have to have evidence of this. From what you have written it is an assumption. The fact that your ex doesn’t like you is not evidence. Parental alienation will occur whether there are overnights or not. Let’s face it they won’t be bad mouthing you when she is asleep.

Just one final point about the post, mental illness is not something anybody should be “accused” of. It’s an illness and it shouldn’t be attributed to bad behaviour.