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Should I wait until after Christmas?

(17 Posts)
Hattie78 Sun 04-Nov-18 07:28:14

I just wanted some thoughts. I’d like to separate from my husband but I’m not sure on the timing. We have children (7 and 10) so I was thinking it might be best to wait until after Christmas before I get the ball rolling so as not to ruin their Christmas but now I’m not so sure. It’s going to be very difficult pretending everything is ok and I’ll feel awful receiving gifts from my husband and his family.
What would you do?

OP’s posts: |
Unsure123123 Sun 04-Nov-18 07:34:07

Does your husband know or is this a surprise.

Could you agree to be civil over Christmas knowing that you want to divorce?

Is he moving out or are you etc. It's a good time to get things in order.

Pluckedpencil Sun 04-Nov-18 07:38:22

A gift from you dh? Does he not know? Maybe you should talk to him about it first?

Chuggachuggatoottoot Sun 04-Nov-18 07:39:44

What a sad situation for you all. Does your husband know your feelings?

eve34 Sun 04-Nov-18 07:42:15

This was me last year. I knew we were broken. But we let it slide until Christmas had pasted.

It was an ok day. He spent more time away from the house and I just got more detached.

I don't know if it was the right thing to do. But I am glad I did. As the fall out for the children has been hard.

Hattie78 Sun 04-Nov-18 07:50:18

He knows I am (we are) unhappy but not that I want to split up. Going to have that conversation with him soon (definitely before Christmas), it’s just when we do the actual separation that I’m not sure about. I don’t entirely know how he’ll react but things have not been good for a long time. We almost split up 4 1/2 years ago (his decision that time) and it’s not been right since then but neither of us has wanted to be the one to say it. We are so bad at communicating and brush everything under the carpet which I know is pathetic but it’s the way we’ve become.

OP’s posts: |
shiveringtimber Sun 04-Nov-18 08:08:47

No, don't do it before Christmas; not if you celebrate it. It's now too close (separation is not a simple process, it's painful and it's never quick!). Better to do it in the New Year.

Wouldyouorshouldyou Sun 04-Nov-18 08:11:19

No you wait till after Christmas but I think your DH has a right to know so he can also make his own plans.

TipseyTorvey Sun 04-Nov-18 08:18:59

Another vote for after xmas here. There is usually so much going on in the run up for the kids. School events, parties and carols etc that would all be over shadowed by this. I know it will be hard for you to keep your game face on but once it's all over and the calm cold light of January has got you all back to normal then it won't 'ruin' a special time for them.

Hattie78 Sun 04-Nov-18 08:34:35

Thanks all. I was thinking wait but interesting to get opinions.
Now I just need to have the difficult conversation. Any help on where to start with that?

OP’s posts: |
shiveringtimber Sun 04-Nov-18 08:43:27

Wait with the conversation. Once you get the ball rolling, you can't stop it. Everything will kick off. I understand your impatience but wait for the sake of your dc.

PurpleWithRed Sun 04-Nov-18 08:43:55

When you do, allow a week or two for him to react to the shock (he may be relieved but you never know). During that time keep things civil but play the broken record and don’t agree to do anything in a hurry. Give him time to catch up with your thinking about separation.

Write a speech. “Things haven’t been right for me for a long time, and It’s time I faced up to it” - I am sure you can do better but rehearse something to get you started.

seventhgonickname Sun 04-Nov-18 12:42:28

After Christmas but before the new year.
Tell him only token presents thus year.
No need to feel guilty about other presents as I doubt anyone else will be considering this.
Concentrate on the kids and slowly detach and put you things in order.

OrianaBanana Tue 06-Nov-18 19:13:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeeWheels72 Sun 11-Nov-18 19:11:12

My husband left 6 weeks before Christmas, dont do it please until after. It ruined the holiday time for me and the kids, I wish he had of waited. Just after would be better x

Itsnotme123 Sun 11-Nov-18 23:04:09

There’s never a good time. There’s always something coming up, birthday, Easter, family holiday, kid falling ill.... I would pick a good time. I went in February, a week before Valentine’s Day. But 2 days after we got back from holiday. I just picked a day and disappeared leaving a sensitive note on the table. It was the best thing I could do in my circumstances.

HeddaGarbled Sun 11-Nov-18 23:26:10

I agree with PPs about waiting until after Christmas. Too tough on the children to do it just before Christmas, I think. It will have an impact on their feelings about Christmas for a long long time. You’ve clearly been staggering on with a half marriage for some time so you can manage another two months.

However, you can start making plans now.

What are your plans for after you tell him? Are you planning to move out or do you expect your H to move out? Do you think he will agree to that? Where would you or he go? Might you have to live together while you put your house up for sale, wait for a buyer and go through conveyancing?

Think about what will be the best arrangements for shared care of the children. Think about finances. Will you need to make changes to your employment situation?

You could make an appointment to see a solicitor now before the New Year rush.

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