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Need help , help , advice

(12 Posts)
Homer101 Fri 26-Oct-18 07:28:27

I don’t know what to do about my marriage. I have been married for 13 years . I have two primary school aged children with my wife (no other kids involved ) my wife has always been bad with money . Lots of over spending over the years . Always on rubbish too. She just wastes money . Nothing I have ever said has made any difference. And we have talked about it much in the past . But this time she really has gone too far . The real kicker is she’s not spent the money herself. She’s acted as ganentor for a amigo loan for a neighbor, the loan is for £7500 and has a 49.9% interest rate . It seems we hve been paying his loan for around six months at the cost of £280 a month. Which we can’t afford . Over this time we have not been able to pay our own bills because of making these payments. The people are not even good friends of ours. I don’t understand why she has done it. Or why she has been trying to hide it from me .
I’ve been unhappy in the marriage for a long time anyway . We have t slept together for 18 months . And before that it would only be a couple of times a year since the kids were born . We don’t do anything together . I don’t really go out at all . We both work.
I just don’t know what to do? I kfeel guilty because of the children . The whole thing is just making me even more unhappy.
Dose anyone have any advice ?
Thanks in advance

OP’s posts: |
mama1DC Fri 26-Oct-18 07:45:30

Honestly I'd separate and sell the house, take your bit and start fresh. I could NEVER be with a person who make life changing decisions without me!! Who does she think she is seriously ? Fairy godmother ? Her kids could be homeless over something like this, completely brain dead by the sound of it.

Why are you paying their Loan? Have they stopped paying it? Sound like you need to take them to court.

Homer101 Fri 26-Oct-18 08:47:48

Hi ,
Thanks for your comments . Yes they have not been paying the loan . As she’s grantor it falls to her to pay it . I only found out about the loan because I came across a letter asking for payment . Then I found other letters asking for payment . It seems we have been paying it for around six months. Three weeks ago I told her she needs to get legal advice about it. She’s done nothing about it . Most of the £280 a month payment is going to pay the interest. Only about £20 a month is coming off the loan amount . The monthly repayment is difference as to if our kids can go on school holidays when they get to high school which is next September. It’s the difference if we can take a holiday ourselves. We haven’t had one this year as we could not afford it . I now know where a big chunk of money has been going.
I know I should leave that’s the best thing for me as the marriage is affecting my mental health. .but I feel really guilty and bad for the upset it’s going to cause mainly to the kids . And cause myself . Things like Christmas Day and that . Then I feel mad as she’s the one that’s done this and I’m the one that feels guilty and bad ! Lots of emotions and thoughts in my head at the moment lol .

OP’s posts: |
mama1DC Fri 26-Oct-18 16:18:38

@Homer101 my whole life my mum stayed with my dad for her kids, I'm obv an adult now and I told her she should never of done it, each day week month chipped away at her that little bit more. It's never a good idea to stay for the kids, maybe wait till after Christmas as it's almost here anyway. I'd start to get legal advise your self tbh !

Homer101 Fri 26-Oct-18 16:51:14

Yes your right I do need some legal advice myself. I don’t know where I stand with the house and that if I were to move out . I do have somewhere to go. My brother and his partner have a three bedroom house an dthese only the two of them. I have already spoken to my brother about all this . He’s ok with me going and stopping there until I get somewhere sorted myself .
Things have not been good for a few years now. I do need to sort this . I have known that for a long time. I’ve just ignored it as things were more easy that way. But this loan thing has brought it all to ahead. I’m also not very well . I have a long-standing degenerative illness . Which the stress of this has been making it worse lastly .

OP’s posts: |
Viletta Sat 27-Oct-18 22:38:20

My god, this does sound like a nightmare! If you think there is no room for couple counseling than indeed it looks like you have to go on with your life. She is probably not happy too, hence this wearied behavior. Anyway, you sound like a sensible and nice person. You are going to be fine

Singlenotsingle Sat 27-Oct-18 22:58:11

There's too much involved for anyone to give you any proper advice, OP. Go and get some initial legal advice from a solicitor, then you can decide how best to deal with it. Best wishes anyway.

xzcvbnm Sat 27-Oct-18 23:25:57

Oh ffs just pay off the loan and divorce her. Expect the usual crap that goes with that such as being denied access to your children and false accusations on domestic/financial/emotional/whatever abuse.

DO NOT move out of the marital home until you absolutely have to and stay as child focussed you can. If you do you will be accused of abandonning your children and your ex will claim she has rights to keep the house.

You will feel better in about 2 years, or be miserable forever, your choice.

Better to divorce with as young as kids as possible imo, my son is 4 just entered reception and we divorced a few months back - he's fine with living in 2 houses, thinks it is fun in fact.

Homer101 Sun 28-Oct-18 08:57:11

I’m 100% fine with her keeping the house . I Can not afford to pay off the loan at the moment. My kids are 10 year old twins . I’m very child focused and I also work with children so I have seen the affect that a bad devorce can have . I’ve seen the other side where the parents have handled things in a more good and positive way and there’s a huge difference with how the child is affected. So I’m very focused on the children and I want them to be affected as little as possible.

OP’s posts: |
Homer101 Sun 28-Oct-18 08:59:18

As for moving out of the family home. It’s only a small house so it’s not like we can really live separate lives . It’s only two bedroomed and downstairs theirs only the Kichen and living room . So it’s hard .

OP’s posts: |
marads Sat 03-Nov-18 09:51:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ss770640 Sat 03-Nov-18 18:42:54

If the debt occurred during marriage your liable for 50% of it. However you could argue you didn't want the debt and it was taken out without your knowledge. This is essentially the same as burning the marital home and expecting you get off Scot free.

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