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Support thread for those divorcing against stbex wishes (2)

(790 Posts)
mammynowanauntyIRL Mon 22-Oct-18 18:11:33

Support thread for those divorcing against their stbex original thread

Tiddleypops Mon 22-Oct-18 18:40:19

Nice one @mammy smile

Demented101 Mon 22-Oct-18 22:44:33

Hi everyone. Hope everyone is keeping well. Im sure this thread will run and run...😂 Cyber hugs to everyone x

RoseMartha Tue 23-Oct-18 18:49:38

Sending 🤗 to all

mammynowanauntyIRL Tue 23-Oct-18 22:34:55

I'm feeling sad this evening, rushed home to prep chicken Curry with homemade chips for dinner & when dc arrived h had fed them pizza, I couldn't face cooking for me alone so I just shoved the whole lot into freezer for thurs eve when they eat with me again. Feels so unfair I get to have dinner with them the two busiest evenings for activities in the week & he's the one that fucked up our marriage angrysad

iamthrough Tue 23-Oct-18 22:48:05

Hi @Mammy yeah that sucks... similar has happened to me too. Just take a deep breath... at least it was something you were able to freeze for another day. I was just wondering how long we've all been at this "game". I've been going through the separation about a year now..... nearly there but still in same house. What about everyone else??

mammynowanauntyIRL Tue 23-Oct-18 23:10:20

Initiated separation beg of March , he moved out end September

Demented101 Wed 24-Oct-18 12:02:25

The bomb went off this time last year when I found out about his affairs. We agreed to separate January of this year. Still living separately in the same house with most issues still to be agreed..

Tiddleypops Wed 24-Oct-18 17:25:37

I first told him in February. I have been patient and reasonable since then and he is refusing to engage with me about it on any level, he's just burying his head in the sand sad. I've booked in with solicitor for a couple of weeks time, it's all I can do now.

RoseMartha Wed 24-Oct-18 22:49:46

Mammy 🤗🤗

I told him it was over mid march. His unreasonable behaviour had pushed me to that point. (This was not the first time I said it can not go on and previously I had given him another chance as he had asked for it, but things deteriorated and I knew this time it was over).
Currently still in the same house but do not sleep in same room. I have applied for decree nisi which has not come through yet. As of yet contact for children and finance is yet to be sorted. Including where we are going to live.

Tiddleypops Thu 25-Oct-18 00:36:24

Chance after chance they have all had! They really do follow the same script.

mammynowanauntyIRL Thu 25-Oct-18 05:55:00

Exactly @Tiddleypops

I need to travel quite a distance sat to a funeral, he cancelled on dc last weekend. I put it very simply to him, I'm away on sat for a funeral are you available for dc, wed night & still no idea what plans were for weekend. Couldn't have been nicer oh he'd have them but he also had funeral to go to fri eve or sat, I was like so you go fri night! Reply no need to rush back I can have them sat night too. I'm going to say tomorrow eve to have them back by midday on Sun & at least then I'll have bank holiday with them & it's fair to both. Will be interesting to see how that goes, bet he doesn't comply.

Tiddleypops Thu 25-Oct-18 06:13:15

You are just expected to be there, no matter what. The ambiguity of whether he'll be available or not keeps you in your place. It's worse than just saying he won't have them, because at least then you would be free to look into other options, like them staying with family or something.

What I don't understand is whether these things are intentional / calculated. Or whether it's just pig ignorance and that they are so wrapped up in themselves. I suspect the latter with my H. He seems to deem it perfectly acceptable to leave me completely clueless about his whereabouts and availability for childcare (to cover me going to fucking work, it's not like I'm 'shirking my duties' on the weekend!) yet he is fine to make social plans without checking whether I am around.

RoseMartha Thu 25-Oct-18 08:48:34

@mammynowanauntyIRL and @Tiddleypops

Mammy I hope that it works out well for you this weekend. 🤗 thinking of you.

Tiddley. I agree, how they control you . I still feel he is controlling me although I have started to break free .

It sounds like my h to a T. Re the contact negotiations so far he wants a relaxed approach but to include all the things and times he wants when he wants it. He says he wants what is best for kids but clearly does not it is all about him. 😡 he wants nothing to be set in stone, I am presuming this is so he can change his mind at the last minute if he doesn't feel like it or if something better in his opinion comes along or if he suddenly does want them without any notice or if he feels I need punishing or put in my place. I have said no to this and insisting on some structure with flexibility in emergencies or unforeseen circumstances. Waiting for response.

RoseMartha Thu 25-Oct-18 08:49:55

With regard my previous post I mean I am waiting for a response from him.

Tiddleypops Thu 25-Oct-18 09:01:23

@RoseMartha, stick to your guns. It does the kids no favours to have everything 'fluid' - translated to your H doing what he wants, when he wants.

As you say, there needs to be some flexibility, for emergencies and so on, but not as standard.

mammynowanauntyIRL Thu 25-Oct-18 11:58:51

Oh it's the exact same thing here, no commitment to when he's having them from Thurs - Sun, and definitely wants to leave it wide open for himself to do other things first and doesn't want me to have notice so I can make plans. I think he's just obliging now because he thinks I'm not going forward with making the arrangements official through solicitor as I've not mentioned it in weeks.

We must all be married to the same man!

RoseMartha Thu 25-Oct-18 22:24:33

Lol mammy we must be 🙄🤗🤔

Thank you tiddley not looking forward to his next demanding letter.

He is in a foul mood today, not looking forward to tomorrow either as he is rostered off.

Demented101 Thu 25-Oct-18 23:23:22

Yes its the same man allright! Feckin bigamist😂
Really what he wants and feels entitled to is to have you there as a convenience. That is why they are so reluctant to move on.

I have been overthinking about bringing the dc home to my extended family for the long weekend. I have no idea why to be honest, just being conscious of his time with them as he had taken annual leave and I didnt want to be antagonistic. The thing is he always presumes that i am there for the kids and is going away anyway tomorrow night. Somewhere along the line I have bought into his view of things that the world revolves around him and I need to learn new habits..

mammynowanauntyIRL Fri 26-Oct-18 02:15:49

@Demented101 it's coercive control at its best. Could you head away for part of the weekend or is the journey too long?

Tiddleypops Fri 26-Oct-18 05:19:58

"Somewhere along the line I have bought into his view of things that the world revolves around him and I need to learn new habits"

@Demented101 that is so we'll put. I am totally in the same boat. And wow, he knows it too and takes full advantage!

RoseMartha Fri 26-Oct-18 08:34:49

@Demented101 the quote tiddley put on that you wrote is it exactly. Well said.

Hope things work out this weekend for the kids and your best interest, not his. it is hard to stand your ground after being beaten down by h for so long.

I am still saying or thinking 'oh i must not do that h might get angry.' And i mean simple things like planning an extended family day out where i take the kids with me when he is on a day off. My sister said to me the other day why did it matter if he was off, you have split up and he doesnt get to control you anymore. But there was i worrying that if we did it on his day off it might be a day he wanted the kids and then he would kick off.

Demented101 Fri 26-Oct-18 13:24:36

I know, its so weird to see these patterns of behaviour in me. I dont normally.think of myself as a person cowed down by a man but am noticing these tendancies in myself. I dont know where it comes from, overthinking things maybe? I've had similar debates with myself about days out when he is off too @Rosemartha. Nothing seems straight forward at the moment..

Anyway, I've decided I'm going to head off for the weekend. To be honest it should have been more straight forward than it felt in my head. He's not bothered at all! I think sometimes I imagine feelings and thoughts in him that dont exist. Once I'm there so he can come and go as he pleases and has the convenience of a family home, he's happy!
@mammynowanauntyIRL Sounds like its still not easy to pin yours down to set access times even though you are now living apart! angry

Anyway, I'm looking forward to clearing my head away from him for a few days. Hope everyone has a good weekend xxx

mammynowanauntyIRL Fri 26-Oct-18 17:53:36

Living apart isn't quite as good as it might seem as he's only in house next door until we sell family home, it's way way too close

mammynowanauntyIRL Fri 26-Oct-18 17:55:07

Good on you for making that decision, we work things up too much in our own heads. Will be lovely to stay away without him.

I might stay away Saturday night

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