Should I try to keep the house?

[Ilovebolly]

I’m all over the place and can’t think straight. Me and H at the beginning of separation, solicitors involved etc.
Our house is mortgage free, quite big and home to our two dc. Not sure what pensions etc are worth yet but H seems to think that if I want to stay in the house I will need a big mortgage to buy him out (he may be right and I’m looking into this).
Not sure what to do for the best. H refusing to move out until we decide what’s happening with the house which is extremely stressful. Options are:

1. I get as much of a mortgage as I can to stay here with the kids. Will be continuity for them but a big financial strain on me.
   
2. We sell the house but could take a long time (market slow here) and H wouldn’t move out until it’s sold and he has his money.
   
3. He buys me out and I buy somewhere else for me and the kids. I feel like this wouldn’t be a good option for the kids (8 and 7) as it would be upsetting for them to know daddy was in their home but we are somewhere else. Maybe not though.
   

Just looking for advice as to what you think I should do? I’m totally lost at the moment.

[eatingtomuch]

Until you know exactly how much is in his and maybe your pensions it's impossible to make any decisions about a financial split.

You have two young children so you would probably be able to negotiate more than a 50/50 split, if they are remaining with you the majority of the time.

In your position I'd get the house valued, Starr making a list of any financial assets you have (jointly or separately) and seek legal advice.

Please do not agree to anything without proper legal advice.

[Ilovebolly]

Thanks for your reply. I think you’re right about getting all the info first. It’ll be at least 3 weeks before my pension provider gets back to me...hopefully sooner for his. It’s complicates by the fact that he has a lot of money which was “gifted” to him which I can’t touch so he will be in a much better position than me anyway. The plan was to go 50/50 but thinking about it I may have to get tough and go for more. After all it’s the kids I have to think of too.
I’m just so tired of it all already, it would be much easier to just stay married but then I’d spend the rest of my life financially comfortable but miserable!

[OliviaBenson]

Surely it doesn't matter if money was gifted to him, it's all part of the pot?

But you need to go for more than 50/50 if you have the kids.

[carly2803]

You need to not be nice - i guarantee he will not either -he will start by being nice and "fair", bu believe me he will try screw you over (again might even be trying to look nice when doing it........)

Try to keep the house if you can but i wouldnt advise getting into a ton of debt for it - also wouldnt leave either...

[eatingtomuch]

Definitely seek legal advice. Was the money gifted to him while you were married? If yes, I think you have a claim. If morally you don't feel this is right it can at least be used to negotiate more than a 50/50 split.

[Ilovebolly]

In Scotland so the money isn’t part of the pot as it was gifted to him. I think you’re all right that he’s trying to appear fair and reasonable but I think he’s going to try and screw me over. I just so wanted this to be amicable for the sake of the kids. He told me today that he’d be “pretty hurt” if I went after that money as it was gifted to him by his mum after his dad died.
He’s trying every trick in the book at the moment...I’ve had emotional blackmail, scare stories about how I’m damaging the kids, scare stories about money! But all still under the guise of being fair and helpful!

[Ilovebolly]

he also keeps saying we should agree as much as possible ourselves as the solicitors are so expensive! He’s so money focused - there’s been little chat about the kids but a LOT of chat about the money!

[BewareOfDragons]

If you have the children, you need to go for more than 50/50.

ANd if he has money he's pretending you can't touch, it should be factored in and you should have more from the family pot to make up for it.

Sounds like you're divorcing an asshole, though, since he's not leaving until he gets what's 'his' ... good luck, OP. Get a good solicitor!

[Sohardtochooseausername]

Get legal advice. It’s my understanding that in Scotland you don’t need to sell the family home till your children are 18 or leave home.

[bastardkitty]

You are absolutely right to be highly suspicious of his approach. He's going to try and screw you over. He sounds more concerned about keeping 'his' money than about ensuring the DC's needs are met.

[Starlight345]

I would treat this as a business transaction. Leave that money but take more of the house.

And yes follow legal advice

[MelonBuffet]

He can’t have it both ways - doing it yourselves without involving solicitors means you have to put your business heads on and whether he’ll be ‘hurt’ or not is irrelevant. The focus is on what’s best for the DCs and what’s fair considering your input and likely outcomes over the years.

FWIW I kept the house as my mum’s inheritance was used as the deposit, I was a SAHM so much lower earner than XH and he has a pension which I don’t

All in, it meant that I’m still worse off financially and will have to up my game income-wise over the next few years or sell my house to live once the DCs are all grown up.

As much as it seems like a good idea to save on solicitors costs, it might be worth you paying for a couple of hours of advice once you know all the financial info so that you don’t get short changed. It will pay for itself.

[Ilovebolly]

Don’t worry, I have an excellent solicitor who is helping me out but it’s still at the early stages of getting financial info gathered so I’m not sure how realistic it is to keep the house and also kidtbjow ruthless I need to be. Every time I mention my solicitor he rolls his eyes and moans about the cost. I think I’m just going to have to be brave and go for more than 50/50. Funnily enough he’s never once mentioned wanting the kids more than every other weekend and half the holidays so at least I don’t have to have that battle with him!

[bastardkitty]

It's just a strategy he's using to try and deter you from seeking a fair settlement. You obviously have your head screwed on. Just keep saying 'I just want us to do what's best for the children' and smile.

[ohamIreally]

Maybe you should say if you can't find an affordable way for you to keep the house that the kids will have to stay with him.

[LemonTT]

I think you should keep your options open. There is no need to make decisions until you know exactly what the settlement will be. The current trend is to use capital to effect a clean break where possible. So potentially a high share of equity and / or assets. But it will depend on respect incomes and how parenting is shared. When you know that your choices might reduce.

If I had the choice of the above, I would go for two or three. I wouldn’t want a big house that stretched me financially and was a link to an old life (for me and my children). Fresh start and all that. With any of the options factor in seller and buyer costs that will fall to both of you.

There is no need to be ruthless or think of yourself as ruthless. The key is to be objective and assertive in pursuit of the outcome that you are entitled to and which meets your needs. Accept he is doing the same. At the end of the day both your lifestyles and aspirations will take a hit unless there is a shed load of savings sitting around unused. That’s the problem with divorce negotiations, both parties end up losing in relation to where they started from. Those loses can seem scary and that doesn’t make for good negotiation.