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Relationship after Seperation(6 Posts)
My ex and I were together for 12 years, have a home and two beautiful children (now 7 1/2 and 4 1/2). Our marriage was never great, he stopped showing me any intimacy soon after we got together, but we got engaged and a house after a year together, so I was always busy dealing with other things. I put the issues down to his studying/work/money stress, but inside I felt like it was my fault he didn't want me physically. We then had children and that added to the list of reasons why it wasn't good. We finally did marriage counselling all of last year but in November he stated, in a session, that he doesn't want to work on it, he won't change and I have to either live like that forever or we divorce. I broke down, but then came to terms with it. I wasn't happy and I didn't want to continue in a marriage where we didn't spend time together and he was always angry.
We had a family holiday booked and paid for in July, which the kids were looking forward to. So we stayed together but stopped talking completely, living separate lives but in the same house. The minute we came home from holiday he looked for a flat and we told the kids about our separation. I had a few tears when packing some bits for the kids to play with at his new place (he agreed to have the kids every other weekend), but not due to losing him, more due to the idea of my kids being away from me and if this is messing them up.
I started going on dating apps straight away, not looking for anything serious. Met up for a few dates with some guys, which were fine, but I continued talking to other guys also. I then started talking to someone and we started messaging from the second we woke to the second we fell asleep. We had everything in common (in my previous relationships I never showed the real me - I didn't think a man wanted a woman who loved Marvel/DC or horror films), I only showed them what I thought they'd like. With this guy, I was 100% me for the first time ever. We decided to meet for a date 2 1/2 weeks after we started messaging to see if there was a physical connection too. And there was!!! We kissed hello and it was perfect. We talked for 3 hours, no awkwardness at all. He walked me to the car, we held hands (I'm 33 and he is 36 but we felt like teenagers).
We have had many dates since then (we've been together for 8 weeks now), weekends together, continue to message non-stop all day and for the last 4 weeks we have had 2/3 hour video calls each night, every night without fail. It's hard as we can only meet every other weekend (when I'm childfree) and he has taken 2 days holiday to be with me on my working from home days in-between.
Even my ex's Mum (who lives in the same village and has the children for the school run/pick-up as I work), says she's never seen the children so happy. So I believe they are handling the divorce well. I've seen my ex a few times and there are no emotions there whatsoever.
I guess my question is - Is this all OK? To have fallen so deeply for someone so soon after my separation? In my head our marriage was so bad for so long and I felt like it ended in November last year. My boyfriend is aware of everything, the dates/children/ex/mother in law in the village.
Has anyone else experienced a new relationship so soon and it worked? Or if it didn't, why - and when did it go sour? I have never been so happy and guess I'm scared it is a fake euphoria. He has never been married or have children, but he says he hasn't felt this way before either.
Because I live in same village as my soon to be ex mother in law, I have to hide him when he spends time at my house (when the kids are with their Dad), and I don't know when I need to discuss this with her. I can't afford her to get weird and not look after the kids. She knows that the marriage was difficult, she's experienced her son's short temper often. I am also scared of my ex finding out, getting pissed and making the divorce proceedings difficult. Not that I think he will, but maybe. But what do I do? I don't want to break-up with someone who I can see being happy with forever.
Sorry for the long post - thanks for sticking in there, if you have
Sorry no one replied to you. I haven't started dating again yet but I would say enjoy your time with your new man but be cautious about introducing him to your kids too soon/them finding out. It sounds like your marriage was emotionally over for a long time but it's still very new for them.
Thank you unexpectednewstart! I will definitely wait to introduce them. I overthink things, I need to learn to just enjoy life as it is. He has taken day off tomorrow to spend the day with me, the last week and half without seeing him has felt so long. The two weeks in-between our time together are harder than I thought they would be...
Good that you have moved on and making new friends. As for the Children I would not know when is a good time to tell them at that age?
My divorce started when Stepdaughter (Ex's daughter) was 21 and she saw it coming. Son was 9 at the time, but seems to have handled it well and is doing good at School.
Not sure quite how to write my immediate thoughts on your problems, without upsetting you.
It sounded like all is well and you are so far very happy, which is good to read.
However alarm bells started ringing in my mind as soon as you wrote that you are not being honest with your ex Mother in law and hiding when your boyfriend visits and only spending time with him, when your children are with your ex.
I find the not being honest with others difficult on two fronts. If you keep having to hide his visits, how long before people talk and your ex and his Mother find out and both react badly.
Secondly any small lies like this could return into something much bigger over time and cause issues between you both.
I write from experience that taught me to eventually see my now ex boyfriend in a different light and made me question his whole commitment, to me and my Son.
When my ex boyfriend was at my flat and with my Son he seemed very honest, caring and genuine and we were supposedly engaged and I proudly wore a ring.
How ever when ever we visited his parents, nearly every Sunday at one point, I had to remove the engagement ring and not admit that we were a couple.
At first I did as requested with out questioning it, but as the months wore on, I started to doubt his commitment and his need to keep constantly hiding things from his parents and from others.
He also started having issues with sharing with my Son and I realised that his attitudes and actions were no longer things that I was prepared to live with.
Being open, honest and able to deeply trust the other person in any relationship in our lives is fundamental to me and hiding people, not admitting he visits and worrying about how your ex and his Mother will react, sounds like a lot of stress that you could do with out.
Also how much quality time is the new boyfriend spending with your children getting to know them and living along side them?
There will always be a line of guys available.
The question is do you really know him?
My advice. Stay single for a couple years.
Sort your head out first. Lots of guys are experts at manipulation.
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