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Divorce or buy two houses and live separately?

(6 Posts)
takemeback Mon 08-Oct-18 22:05:49

I don't know what to do. I don't think there is any way to come back from this situation. Since May I have been writing down a record of things that my husband has said to me. If not I would have forgotten.

In the last week alone he has called me a "fucking retard", made sarcastic comments like "just like mummy you don't learn from your mistakes", "even mummy can't do the wrapping" and called me "so fucking mature" in a saracastic tone.

I never thought I would get to this. He displays all the aspects of Gottman's four horsemen. I just don't know how to tackle it and if I'm completely honest I feel resentment that I am the one who wants to solve the problem. I'm also too scared to make bids or to say anything because one more rebuttal and I will be in floods of tears.

I'm just so scared that divorce will ruin me. He earns more that me. I don't want to disrupt my life and be completely alone. I'm worried I will lose my daughter. I don't know what to do.

The positives are that I like my job and feel much happier when at work. I know that I have so many positives in my personality and feel so robbed of a marriage. My husband is older than me and is so grumpy and unkind. I'm sure I deserve better. ... but I'm in denial. I keep hoping that something will change.

OP’s posts: |
GetRid Tue 09-Oct-18 20:48:17

I know how hard this is for you. I'm in a similar position with my H. He doesn't swear at me but his behaviour is intolerable. But leaving isn't easy especially if you have a good life in other ways. I also have a great job, lovely colleagues, friends and we live in a beautiful house in a lovely area. Turning everything upsidedown is a big decision.

Couples counseling has helped us a bit. I'd recommend it as a starting point.

takemeback Wed 10-Oct-18 08:01:14

Thanks @getrid
I'm even too scared to suggest couples counseling and not sure how we'd fit it in. Maybe we can go separately to start with.

OP’s posts: |
Cath2907 Wed 10-Oct-18 15:03:35

I have spent the last few years ignoring my husbands increasingly awful behavior. I finally asked him to leave on the weekend. He thinks it is temporary to get a little space.... I don't! I am lucky that I am the wage earner and he is unemployed but even so this decision is going to be expensive and mean a real upheaval for my and DD. For the first 4 days I was totally numb and felt confused and scared. Today I feel better. I don't need a big house and an expensive car. DD and I could be happy in a 2 bed flat - just so long as he isn't with us.

I have told my parents, some friends and work. Feeling much stronger and definitely able to go it alone now. There is no going back! Just got to tell him that now smile

northernglam Wed 10-Oct-18 16:45:25

My dh was also grumpy, angry and unpleasant to me most of the time. We almost separated several times but I kept making excuses for him eg suggesting he was depressed and get treatment and I couldn't bring myself to break up the family. Finally I told myself the next time it came to a head I had to go through with it. My parents didn't bring me up to put up with being treated like crap and I was being a terrible role model doing so. It was my birthday and I just wanted to spend it with people who genuinely cared about me and not do another year or ten years of feeling like that. I also felt my son was beginning to copy his dad and talk down to me although he was only 13. It felt like I was damaging the children more by staying - he was irritable and shouty with them too. Always negative. When I asked him to leave I felt elated actually and proud of myself. Not how I expected to feel at all. You will know when you are ready. give yourself the advice you would give your daughter in the same situation. There is nothing more lonely than a miserable marriage.

Sarah8410 Fri 12-Oct-18 22:43:42

I'm in exactly the same boat ... your husband is abusive, I would recommend the freedom course and a wonderful book called "inside the minds of angry and controlling men " by Lundy Bancroft, it's changed my whole outlook !
And leave him whenever you feel ready. Life is too short to be spoken to like dirt forever and be miserable.
That's why after 20 years I've finally decided to split . Good luck on your journey x

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