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Age 50 female separating from DH ... anyone else in same position?

(830 Posts)
midnightmoon8 Wed 03-Oct-18 09:15:43

Hello, my DH (of 10 years) & I are separating (amicably) and he is moving out tomorrow. I'm 50 and we have no children. I have very mixed emotions about it all. Is anyone else in the same position so we can keep each other company on Mumsnet through our journey ahead over the next few weeks/months?

OP’s posts: |
purpleface Wed 03-Oct-18 17:46:05

Hi Midnight,
Sorry to hear about your separation. flowers
I'm not quite where you are as I won't be initiating the separation until after Christmas (very cowardly and calculating, I just don't want a stink over Christmas and we have a holiday coming up before then). I will be reading with interest as you go through things a few steps ahead of me. I met with a solicitor for an initial consultation today. Married 24 years with adult children.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Thu 04-Oct-18 22:43:09

STBXH left 10 weeks ago after 23 years and 2 DC. It's only now I can type ..STBXH
..and not DH or even H without welling up. Small steps but they mean a lot.

It totally depends on where you are, want to be etc. But please don't ever settle in the hope it will become pe4fect, or great. It might....But chances ate it won't since you have both shown yourselves to be deceitful, selfish people, so why would any rational person want to be with you or be your friend you know her 🤔ps - what happened to the "I'm do stupid: emojis _ I can't c any??

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Fri 05-Oct-18 16:27:59

Apologies for that incoherent post!!! Was jumping between threads without contact lenses in and have clearly posted in wrong thread.blush. I'm 53 OP and separtaed after 20 plus years. Wasn't my choice but marriage was having problems. I thought we were working on them whereas he was working on another woman! It's shit, worst pain ever, but 10 weeks on I am feeling stronger, a tiny bit excited and much less fear of being an 80 year.old cat lady on my own! Happy to hand hold.

FVFrog Sat 06-Oct-18 08:26:45

Can I please join ladies. Turn 50 next year and husband left 24 year marriage 5 weeks ago, older teenage/1 adult DC, 2 still live at home. As PP said we did have issues but I was really looking forward to some time for us as the kid stuff winding down. He told be back at the end of April 4 weeks before my DF died of cancer and I have had the most horrendous summer. To top it all last weekend he was seen by one of DS1s best friends meeting a woman at the train station and taking her back to his house (v small town). That is the final blow. I am scared and can’t believe our 30 year relationship and life together is over.

midnightmoon8 Mon 08-Oct-18 14:30:22

Sorry it has taken me a few days to reply - I've been a bit up and down with emotions. Sorry to hear you all in the same position. Yes, I am scared for the future too :-( Sending you a virtual hug and letting you know you are not alone in being in this position.

OP’s posts: |
Cath2907 Wed 10-Oct-18 15:09:36

I am 41 and asked DH to leave on the weekend. He moved out Monday. I have 1 DD aged 7.

Hamilton12 Thu 11-Oct-18 09:34:53

Hi. Similar situation. I’m 52 with two sons in 20’s and younger teenage daughter. Been living apart for a year. Probably need to make decisions and move on. All very sad. Any tips for finding a lawyer? Property and pensions to sort out. Don’t want to spend a fortune in legal fees but don’t want to regret not getting best advice. You hear some dreadful stories ...

2018lr Thu 11-Oct-18 16:29:29

Hi
I’m also 50 and after 35 yrs being with someone and one grown up son my world has turned upside down. Being told we hve grown apart. Really really struggling x

FVFrog Thu 11-Oct-18 21:29:28

Good to know we are not alone. Have been with DH since we were 20, I never dreamed he would leave our family, I almost keep forgetting (he worked away a lot) and then reremembering. I’m having a really hard time accepting this is really it but know I have to. I’m exhausted at all the organising and stuff to do already, and this is just the beginning flowerswine to all. It’s a scary time and good to have others to share fears and experiences with.
I asked around other divorced friends (seems to be an epidemic at our age/stage of life) for solicitor recommendation and had initial fixed fee consultation on Tuesday which cost £120. Follow up email with all procedures etc laid out clearly. Mediation (if you can do it) to sort finances is much cheaper.
I have started slowly putting his stuff into bags and in the garage. I’m hoping it will slowly help me come to terms with him not coming back.
How are your (grown up) kids reacting?
I am beginning to get the blame for not encouraging the kids to see him (which is not true...). They are upset and angry with him and not ready to see him yet. It’s so hard sad

2018lr Thu 11-Oct-18 21:50:04

My son lives abroad so feel totally alone at the moment. My H also worked away a lot. So nice to see that other women are at the same early stage as myself let’s hope we can help each other x

FVFrog Thu 11-Oct-18 22:08:02

That sounds really tough 2018 do you have friends who you can lean on? I have a fairly busy life with work and 2 older DCs at home, but I’m also feeling the house is strangely quiet.

31133004Taff Thu 11-Oct-18 22:15:11

Exactly two years post separation. Divorce in progress. Now just turned 56. Two teenage children, one just started Uni, the other in love so spends most of their time at their partners. I gave up my flagging career and starting afresh. Living on a tight budget but feel like a teenager, like I’ve got a second chance but with a wise head and a contentment with my own company. It’s been tough. Have ‘pined’ for STBXH, but life goes on.

You’re survivors and soon to discover, you are warriors. 🤺

Hamilton12 Thu 11-Oct-18 22:55:19

FBFrog - hello - was there a guideline on what the divorce final legal bill will be ? I’m clueless. But I am not sure meditation will work as here is quite a lot of complications with money to sort out. So think we will need legal representation. Do they quote an hourly rate or is it like buying a house when you get quoted a total price (eg for the conveyancing). ?! Feel Exhausted already. Not even started!

FVFrog Fri 12-Oct-18 14:35:16

Hi Hamilton12 yes, most family/divorce solicitors will offer an initial fixed fee consultation and then a fixed price divorce petition fee if it’s straight forward, ie you’ve been separated for 2 years and both agree, or if one person willing to accept charge of adultery without contesting it. This usually incorporates the court fee which is currently £550, as an example my initial meeting on Tuesday was £120 and I was there for an hour and a half. They do a fixed fee divorce petition for £1150 which includes the court fee, ie their charge is £600. If more complex costs go up....you can petition yourself on line but it will still cost £550 court fee, no dodging that one.

2018lr Fri 12-Oct-18 20:39:56

Hi FVfrog I work part time and hve a lot of friends but struggling just wish I could snap out of it and start feeling strong. It has only been 2 weeks.

Notfrom Sun 14-Oct-18 08:57:09

Another one here, age 53 and told h yesterday that I want a divorce, following months of arguing, silences and unhappiness. His moods and regular silences over 20+ years are one of the main reasons for the split but he seems shocked, despite me telling him how unhappy this has made me for years.

We are likely to be under the same roof for a while and are in the middle of telling dcs and family that this is happening as he has insisted we tell them straight away. I feel numb at the moment and scared about a possible lonely future but I would have ben more scared about more years of the same.

Good to find support from others in the same place, though sad for those who haven't chosen to be here.

Notbeingrobbed Sun 14-Oct-18 09:56:32

I’m in this group too. Have basically had a completely catastrophic year. The divorce stuff never seems to end - he left in Jan. Lawyers bills are endless.

But I am trying to look forward. I have no idea what I’ll do with my life next. Money won’t be easy but at least it’s all up to me now.

lovealab Sun 14-Oct-18 10:55:34

I'm here too....50yrs old, kicked OH out end of July must to his shock/horror...if he hadn't been drunk most of the marriage, he'd have recognised the signs perhaps?

Divorce petition posted out to him & would have landed on his doormat last Thursday 4th Oct, he won't acknowledge it I know so will end up paying the court bailiff to personally serve them.....

numbbrain Mon 15-Oct-18 00:11:24

I'm 53 and have been separated for 2 years and going through divorce at the moment.

My experience of mediation is it was a waste of money. All they did was take all the information we had given them and send it back to us in a spreadsheet.

They can;t give advice, wouldn;t give us guidelines and I'd have rather spent the money on a solicitor which we are having to do now anyway.

If you do mediation, do it with someone who is qualified to give you advice as well or at least tell you some options.

IndieTara Mon 15-Oct-18 00:22:09

Hi all I'm 51 with a DD9. Split with XH 2012 and decree absolute in 2015.
It all started to very slowly get better once we were divorced.

You got this

VivaVegas Fri 02-Nov-18 08:59:53

Hoping we can keep this thread active as I may well be joining it.
H dropped the bombshell in May (well after u asked him what was wrong), tried joint counselling but got nowhere and he moved out a couple of months back for a trial separation.
He has now realised he is still not happy and is going for individual counselling to try and sort himself out but from talking he still claims he was unhappy in our marriage for years (which I strongly dispute), we had a bad year in 2017 but the other 17 he seemed fine. I have an inkling there is someone else but have no concrete evidence and he strongly denies it and says he can just about cope with himself at the moment.
I'm 48, scared of a lonely sad future, devastated that the person I love doesn't see me in there future and miss him desperately.
Hoping sharing with people going through similar might help.

Hamilton12 Fri 02-Nov-18 09:29:55

Hi and sorry that so many are in similar situation. I think it is difficult to know what to do and in what order. The thought of lawyers (fees) and a drawn out aggressive fight to dismantle my marriage is daunting. But I worry that if I don’t take the initiative I may live to regret waiting. Where I live no solicitors offer a free initial consultation. The first appointment appears to be in region of £375 +vat. I am thinking that will largely be them selling me their benefits of their firm and then by time it comes around to me the time will be up for the session.

Does anyone know if once you reach the two year separation (I’m at 18 months) It affects legal decisions which could be detrimental to me financially? We have.not started any formal case yet. Probably hoped we may find a way back but now as time goes by seems less likely. Husband similar to VivaVegas claims to not have been happy, but he is not happy now either.

I have not come to terms with how after being together so long and married 25 years we drifted so much. Probably yearn to go back to how we used to be - but that can’t happen unless both want it to and neither of us seem able to fix it even if we could. Not even sure if we want to. So is it best to just get in with things. Formally and legally?

VivaVegas Fri 02-Nov-18 10:36:29

It's so hard Hamilton, I've no advice re the order and legal stuff I'm afraid. Locally I can get an hours free initial consultation with a local family lawyer which I'm going to do to feel like I'm taking control as much as anything else.
For me I can see how things drifted but when you are both working long hours and have DC that's part of s phase of life. Ironically we were just starting to cone out if that with the DC less dependent, finances improving and it's now he says he's not happy.
Ive been open about what I think we need to change to move forward with a new marriage and would like to try.
He up until this week couldn't even say why he was unhappy but following several counselling sessions has now been able to but at present doesn't feel he can try to resolve them. If there is someone else though that's never going to happen but I won't give up hope until it's done!
On the downside I have lost a lot of weight, have terrible insomnia and just feel exhausted by it all so I know I can't go on like this forever.

Crunchiegirl Sat 03-Nov-18 08:44:40

Hello everyone. I've joined Mumsnet today because this is just what I need. Kicked husband out (well daughter did) 6 months ago after he 'mistakenly' sent me a photo of him wrapped around another woman with his supposedly estranged parents in background! Grrr. Just moved out and started divorce. He's accepted my divorce petition statement so applying for Decree Nisi. May I join you? Am I old enough as I'm only 48?

So many emotions after over 20 years of marriage. As for lawyers, stand by to watch your money burn. I thought I was having a lovely friendly chat with mine until my first invoice came through and it had been timed and charged accordingly. Hard lesson learned!

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