Talk

Advanced search

Separated EXDH harassing me

(12 Posts)
NeverBinDay Mon 27-Aug-18 11:19:14

My H moved out a couple of months ago at my request, he has been awful to live with and has done lots of things which massively breached the unspoken Ts and Cs of the marriage. He does understand this, this is not disputed.

However, he does not wish to split up. Since the seperation he has been diagnosed with depression and now he states all the things he did (that I'm unhappy about) are due to this depression and as such I should be still with him, supporting him, and how dare I leave him in his time of need

He is messaging me several times a day with long wailing passages of how hard done by he is, how much he loves me, and I have destroyed his family.

I have asked him very clearly to stop. I'm not the right person to support him with his marriage ending, because I'm the other party. He ignores this. I try to only respond to messages regarding the children but at times I can't not reply to some of his paranoid accusations. He has threatened suicide (while in sole charge of one of our children)

At what point do I consider stopping all contact with both me and the children, or send a cease and desist or consider a non-mol?
It's very wearing. I'm not having goes at him, I just don't want to be his wife anymore. He doesn't feel I have the right to make that decision. (I have no doubts whatsoever)

OP’s posts: |
snackerextraordinaire Mon 27-Aug-18 23:41:35

Hello,
I have a similar situation. My husband has a history of mental health issues. I have felt terrible being the one that had instigated the separation but I had to do it and I have had to deal lots of manipulation. He has yet to move out and I foresee issues with our children's arrangements. I have consulted a lawyer and I will be wanting the children's welfare to be very closely monitored. I have a counsellor who has been very helpful in dealing with his manipulative behaviour. I have also spoken to my GP who was good. I hope that you find some support and you need to log all these incidents. I hope you children are not finding this upsetting.

Stay strong.

Singlenotsingle Mon 27-Aug-18 23:48:14

Go NC whenever you think the time is right. A non mol wouldn't be appropriate though, unless he has assaulted you.

NeverBinDay Tue 28-Aug-18 00:05:06

There's not been any assault, nothing physical at all.

Going NC would be an absolute last resort because I'm partly dependent on him for childcare in order to work. But it would be doable if necessary.

It feels like there is no point discussing anything at present because he's still very irrational and quite paranoid. To the point where he's critiquing bland photos I've put on social media (he's not even on social media) by looking at mutual friends pages.

OP’s posts: |
Singlenotsingle Tue 28-Aug-18 00:17:19

Manipulative and controlling. Emotional blackmail. You'll need to stay strong.

HelenUrth Tue 28-Aug-18 00:38:33

Read Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That. It's incredibly enlightening. Freely available online as a odd.

One of the comments he makes about abusers who claim their mental illness made them do it is "No medication yet discovered will turn an abuser into a loving, considerate, appropriate partner".

HelenUrth Tue 28-Aug-18 00:40:06

Pdf not odd.
Odd autocorrect though!

Shinynew50p Tue 28-Aug-18 09:21:54

Wow not much advice but I am going through exactly the same thing. My husband is blaming his recently diagnosed depression for the last ten years of verbal/physical abuse. I don't buy it at all but I have had moments of self doubt where I think to myself, well I did say for better and worse, in sickness in health. But you know what, being abused on a regular basis really wasn't what I signed up for! I have told him I will take police action if he continues to harass me and will only communicate with him via text, he is blocked on every other platform. He is now using finances to get to me, but do you know what, my descion is made, nothing he can do can change my mind this time.

Keep contact to a minimum, stay strong, you deserve better than this 👍

NeverBinDay Tue 28-Aug-18 09:22:12

Thanks I have got the pdf somewhere I really should read it. He wasn't really abusive (apart from waking me up for sex I wasn't offering in the last few months) during the marriage, just a terrible husband. But since the split has been awful.

Everything is being reframed as a symptom, after the fact. So not only should I forgive, I should have noticed these were symptoms and mentioned it sooner hmm and the paranoia is definitely due to the depression and not due to lots of alcohol and wacky baccy hmm

OP’s posts: |
Shinynew50p Tue 28-Aug-18 09:22:38

Mine is also stalking friends social media for photos of me!!

NeverBinDay Tue 28-Aug-18 09:24:54

Solidarity shiny I remember thinking last year is there any reason at all I would ever consider changing my mind. I thought perhaps if his behaviour had been due to a brain tumour, but no other reason.

I don't doubt he's depressed now. But he wasn't depressed when we split up.

OP’s posts: |
Snoopytwist2 Fri 31-Aug-18 01:25:33

For what it's worth you can get a non-mol without any physical assault. I got one against my STBXH for harassment and intimidation- keep a diary, especially if you plan on going to the police.

Try to continue contact between the children and him though, unless there is any concern for their safety.

Stay strong and focused - going NC may well give you the breathing space you need, but he may look for other ways to get your attention. Focus on you and your children, it will be worth it smile

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in