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Initial contact after separation

(7 Posts)
CannotFindAUsernme Sat 25-Aug-18 22:15:14

Hi everyone. I have been separated from my H for 1 week. I moved with my 4 kids to a new house as he would not leave the marital home. This has been extremely stressful as I have been living a double life sorting everything out this past 2 months. He has had a mediation appt but mine is not until next week. The mediator advised that we try to put in place some kind of interim arrangement as our joint appt will not be for 8 weeks. So we moved into our new house on Tuesday this week and my H wanted them to go stay with him from today for the whole of next week as he is of work. I said no as they needed to get used to their new home so he wanted them for the weekend and then plan the week days after this. So I asked the kids what they would like to do. 2 of them dont feel ready to go out and stay in their very recently left home, 2 of them want to go for a night. He has lost the plot about me consulting the children and demanded all day that I bring them to him. I am really really upset now, he has been quite abusive during the day to me. What do I do with this ? I feel overwhelmed with guilt and exhaustion today. Even tho I know I couldnt stay with him, my heart is broken for the kids. Any advice ? Thank you

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Whippedtoafrenzy Sat 25-Aug-18 22:19:03

What the children agree to goes.

CannotFindAUsernme Sat 25-Aug-18 23:35:08

@whipped, how do you explain that to someone who is only thinking of themselves ? Who believes I am manipulating the kids, which I would never do. I am at my wits end already and we are only separated a week. It has taken so much energy to get this far, I dont know how to go on

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cestlavielife Sat 25-Aug-18 23:45:40

How old are the children?

Under 10 it s best you and ex make the decisions about the arrangements ....

One advice I was given...think about which are adult decisions e.g. when dc are young you decide. Assessing risks etc.
Which are dc choices e.g. they older say 14 or 15 ?

Older kids can have more say. If he usually cares for them well then no reason they shouldn't go to stay with him ?
Had he always planned to be with them when off work ? Was the intention that they would be with him?

headinhands Sat 25-Aug-18 23:56:07

Asking the children is setting an unhelpful president and I suspect they knew what you'd want them to say.

CannotFindAUsernme Sat 25-Aug-18 23:59:28

As we have only just moved out I thought it best they did not go back to their home for a week, I felt it might be traumatic for them then to have to leave it again after another week and return to the new house. My ex believes they should be living with him 50/50, but as no access has been sorted yet I thought it best they felt comfortable. The 8 and 12 year olds are willing but the 10 and 14 year olds are not. They only want to go for 1 night. He has been very unreasonable, calling me a liar and accusing me of manipulating the kids even though I did my very best to put a positive spin on it for them, to encourage them to go. I only want whats best for them and just feel it's too early to force the issue with them while they are adjusting to the transition.
Yes he had booked a holiday with them without even asking me what i thought about it. The eldest 2 didnt want to go anyway.
I am just confused now. Should I ignore their wishes and do what he wants ? That doesn't sit well with me, surely they have been through enough already ?

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CannotFindAUsernme Sun 26-Aug-18 00:23:55

@headinhands I did not hope to set any precedent, it is only because of the time scale that I wanted them to feel comfortable. I asked them in a very neutral way, but played up all the womderful things they would do with Daddy and how much he wanted to see them. The 2 who are not ready have autism so the change is environment has been very hard on them. They need adjustment time and I am atruggling to see the harm in that. Surely what is in their best interests matters more ? I have no intentions or reason to deny access, but with it being the first week I just thought it fair to talk to them about it.

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