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Changing daughter's surname

(32 Posts)
Kate96 Fri 24-Aug-18 23:31:52

I have a question that I hope you can help me with:
I separated from my ex last year.
We have a daughter 5 y.o who leaves with me and the father has the usual contact arragements (overnight wednesdays and every other weekend)
The father is registered on the birth certificate and my daughter carries the father's surname as it is written at the BC.
I hate to have to put my childs name using the father's surname, when I have to enrol her in the school, ballet classes, swimming, etc.
I have been told that I cannot change my daughter's surnmame but I am assuming this only applies to the official birth certificate unless I have his consent, which obviously he will refuse.
Does any off you have the same feeling that me?
would I be in trouble if I just change my daughter's name to mine on every day occasion as explained above?
It is my child and I do not want to be reminded of him every time I hear his name.
Can anyone help / advise?
Thanks in advance to all

OP’s posts: |
pachiano1 Fri 24-Aug-18 23:35:38

hate to have to put my childs name using the father's surname

Why did you give her it then?

Lookatyourwatchnow Fri 24-Aug-18 23:37:40

It's not a case of being in trouble, more that you simply can't do it. You can't change such a significant part of a child's identity just because you and her father have split up. That's the surname that you both chose for her, that's the name she has now.

CosmicCanary Fri 24-Aug-18 23:39:17

I think at school you can have a "known as" surname.
However at 5 yo she will know her name and will probably be confused to be called something different.
I am sorry that her surname is causing you upset but after 5 years it is her name now and it seems that your reasons for changing it a selfish.

You need to get over it. Especially considering she still has contact with him.

Ginger1982 Fri 24-Aug-18 23:43:57

*It is my child.
It's his child too. Get over yourself.

SassitudeandSparkle Fri 24-Aug-18 23:47:41

Your child will know her surname at that age and will be confused if it changes though.

This is about your dislike of your ex. There's no need for that to affect your daughter.

Kate96 Fri 24-Aug-18 23:56:20

Well, it is not only that I hate that, it is also that the father if polish and the surname is difficult for everyone to pronounce. Also, I feel that my little girl can be treated differently by others. "discriminated" if you like, and I do not want that she experience or feels that way.

OP’s posts: |
MrsMolehillMountain Sat 25-Aug-18 00:01:37

Don't try and score points.
Your child has that surname and that's that.
You can't now decide that you want to change it just because you're not with her father.
She's his child too ffs

SassitudeandSparkle Sat 25-Aug-18 00:01:55

Yet it was fine when you were with him - but now you're not, the name is an issue hmm Still seems to be about you and not your DD to me, OP. Is this a reverse?

MrsMolehillMountain Sat 25-Aug-18 00:04:03

How will that look to your ex?
Your daughter when she grows up?
She'll be confused and it will paint you as a very selfish and immature mother.
it is my child yours and his. You decided on his surname and that's that.

Notbeingrobbed Sat 25-Aug-18 05:38:19

The law is all about the past when men owned women and children. In the past a separated woman had no rights over her children.

Still, it’s the name she has. When she is 16 she can decide who is the parent she most wants to be associated with and can change her name if she wishes. It is a huge decision to change a name and in the end she will have to decide later.

twinnywinny14 Sat 25-Aug-18 05:48:27

You weren’t worried about the so called issues regarding the polish name when you gave it to her, maybe that’s because you and ex were still together, and no you aren’t together suddenly you have issues with it?? That name is part of her and part of her identity and who she is, she is his child too and that makes her who she is, why would you want to change that?

Kate96 Sat 25-Aug-18 07:48:38

ok, I see. maybe I wrong then.
However, one thing is, as you say, "wrong" to do and I different one is "legal". Hence, I am not breaking the law or court order. It might be morally wrong but my ex will not be able to anything about it, right? he cannot take me to court for this, right? I had not change the birth certificate, so I had not break the law.
And anyway, how can that be proof it at court? Call me selfish but Is this not true? thank you all

OP’s posts: |
totallyliterally Sat 25-Aug-18 07:59:28

Legally you can use any name you you like for her. But you can't change any documents and you'll have to use her actual name for registering and at doctors etc.

My Dd12 has no contact with her father since 6months and I decided at 2 to start using my surname for her in the 'known as' for nursery and then school. She uses it and the schools have been fine. But for GP etc she is still uses old one. She understands difference.

Even with him not in contact (he does now pay through csa £20 a month) I can't change the surname officially without his written permission or going to court.

So we wait till 16 and then she can change it officially. But can't change birth certificate.

When I started using it for her I didn't realise the implications later in life. But still have no regrets of doing it.

IsTheRainEverComingBack Sat 25-Aug-18 08:08:30

You can change her name if he consents to it

pachiano1 Sat 25-Aug-18 08:14:56

Well, it is not only that I hate that, it is also that the father if polish and the surname is difficult for everyone to pronounce. Also, I feel that my little girl can be treated differently by others. "discriminated" if you like, and I do not want that she experience or feels that way.

But she has had the name for 5 years. So none of those reasons are actually true, otherwise you would not have called her that in the first place.

You can't just change her name because you are no longer with her father. It's HER name. Her identity.

She is not a pet.

lifebegins50 Sat 25-Aug-18 08:15:43

He could apply to court to stop you so I would not go down this path as it will lead to complications for her.
I doubt schools wil agree to change as they are aware of his parental rights.

I would love to remove all traces of Ex from my life but you simply can't. How long ago was the separation?

I would advocate every woman uses their name on BC for this reason!

Kate96 Sat 25-Aug-18 08:20:34

we separated in April 2017.

OP’s posts: |
BananaBonanza Sat 25-Aug-18 08:23:14

Yeah he can take you back to court on this and the court most certainly will prohibit you from doing this.

However if he doesnt take it back to court nothing will happen

LittleCandle Sat 25-Aug-18 08:32:45

If you are in Scotland, you can use a different name as long as it is not for fraudulent purposes. My half brother used my DF's surname from when my DPs got married and although his birth certificate still has his original name on it, he has been known as this other surname most of his life and has all his national insurance stuff, tax, passport etc in this name.

When I left XH, DD2 changed her surname. She waited until she was 16 to go to the registrar and change it there, obtaining a new birth certificate, because at 16, he got no say in the matter.

I think you might have to suck it up if you are in England. As others have said, you should have put your name on the birth certificate in the first place. DD1 is having this very issue right now.

mrs2468 Sat 25-Aug-18 08:54:36

So she will need his name for her passport, doctors etc but another name for school etc. Highly confusing find r the poor child just cause your no longer together. If he had no contact I could almost see where your coming from but he does. I can't see any valid reason to do it and your trying to score points. It's not like he's never going to find out either as he would be involved in her schooling presumably

BlueberryMarshmallow Sat 25-Aug-18 09:03:47

My mum send me to school under her surname and I changed it back during my GCSE year so it didn’t cause any problems. I’m quite annoyed that she did that as there’s no record of me prior to being 16. Give her the choice when she’s 18, don’t decide for her.

WillowB Sat 25-Aug-18 09:08:55

I'm not sure that you will be able to use your name for school actually.
All the schools I've worked in have required them to be registered under their legal name (Birth certificate is checked when your child starts school)
They may let you use a 'known as' name on books etc but it will be the legal name on the register

fontofnoknowledge Sat 25-Aug-18 11:24:17

Ok OP - what is it that is really bugging you. ? That her current surname associates her to her father ? Or that as the primary carer she carries a different surname to you ?

If the first then you need to grow up. You had a child with her father and decided on her name jointly. She is not YOUR child. She has two parents with EQUAL parental responsibility.
If the second then simply double-barrel your surname to create the link. So if your name is Smith and his Mysinski the she becomes Jane Smith Mysinski. This leaves the 'legal' name as it ever was and simply adds a middle name.

waterSpider Sat 25-Aug-18 14:11:23

Changing the surname -- the law is against you. As others have noted, it needs everyone with Parental Responsibility to agree before it can happen (probably that's just you and him).
You can ask a Court to over-ride that and make the change (e.g. the ex is a well-known serial killer), but (as my example was intended to suggest) they are generally reluctant to do so in most circumstances.

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