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Separation

(8 Posts)
Bzx1 Sun 19-Aug-18 17:48:49

Hi, after some advice, I've been married for 9 years been together for 17 in total, and in all honesty I don't love him anymore, we have 3 kids 14, 10 and 7, we don't have anything in common anymore, I think it's the kids keeping us together, I do have some love for him as the father of the children, but I haven't been in love with him for years, we didn't have sex for 7 years and he never really bothered to ask why or try to start making an effort,the last time we did was 9months ago and he didn't even finish, any advice would be good.

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snackerextraordinaire Sun 19-Aug-18 20:28:02

I am in a similar situation to you in terms of lack of intimacy and length of relationship. I have slightly younger children.

I thought I could carry on until the children had gone but I can't. I don't think it is good for them. But my husband is mean. This is one of the reasons I am leaving. He is cruel and manipulative to me and the children. I want to put a stop to it. I don't love him in any way.

I would rather be on my own. Once I realised that and let go of some of the fear I have felt much better. Just need him to move out now.

snackerextraordinaire Sun 19-Aug-18 20:31:31

One thing that really helped was I got a counsellor, she works for relate but I see her at her home. I realised that the first few sessions I moaned and then realised that I was done. She helped me explore how I felt and sort out what was fear and guilt. Ultimately that what it was I wanted. A place to talk and sort my thoughts. It was money well spent.

Bzx1 Fri 21-Sep-18 12:14:26

So an update, I told husband I want to separate, after a bit of back and forth conversation he finally agreed, and said it was probably for the best. Now I have no clue what or where to go from here, he has no money to move out to somewhere as he pays all the bills and rent for the house we in now, so he's kinda stuck here and I don't want him to be. Has anyone else been in the same situation, any advice would be great. Thanks

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ttalon Fri 21-Sep-18 13:22:49

We stayed in same house, for 18m as i couldn't afford to pay half mortgage and rent - He also refused to move out, and i couldn't afford to. Had to wait for house sale and equity to move on/ out.

Like you it was a case of no love, together really for kids so it sort of worked. We lived like housemates who don't like each other, seperate lives, separate finances etc, minimal conversation etc.

Its horrible way to live, but it did provide stability for the kids. If i could go back in time knowing how long it all took i would have tried to find a way to move out , but at the time it felt like i had no other option but to stay.

Bzx1 Fri 21-Sep-18 13:38:54

I'm ready for the next step, but I don't know what I can claim for while he's in the house, I've been a at home mum and he has supported me, I plan on going back to work while the kids are at school. Has anyone been through similar with the benefits side

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ttalon Fri 21-Sep-18 13:46:06

You can claim child maintenance , there is an online calculator. Pends his income, how many nights you/ have the children.

My ex was an arse and insisted 50:50 with children to minimise any payments, despite never even making them a meal.

Bzx1 Fri 21-Sep-18 14:53:13

He works part time, I would have the children Mon to Fri, and he can have them weekends, I don't want to be awkward about him having them at all. I receive child tax credit and child benefit at the moment, but that's it. He's supported me since the children came along. And thank you for the advice given

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