He's left me - what do I need to do?

[diskdrive]

Can't really believe I am writing this, but completely out of the blue today my DH of 16 years announced he has fallen in love with someone else. It's such a cliche - I am in total shock. I feel like the only thing I can do is be practical and try and take control of what happens from here on.

Anyway he has gone to his mum's for a few days 'for some space' and to think about things, but certain things have come to light since he has been gone that mean I am 100% sure our marriage is over.

I would like to think he will be decent and fair about stuff but he is clearly not the man I thought he was so need to know what I should be doing now to protect the interests of our two children (12 and 14).

We have been reasonably comfortable financially but he is by far the highest earner as I took a career break and now work school hours.

Pretty much everything is in a joint account, bar a couple of investment ISA's he took out earlier this year. House is owned without mortgage but there is no way I will be able to buy him out on my current salary.

I suspect he will be quickly wanting to set up a new household with the new love of his life (small village, children all go to the same school - is going to be a f*ing disaster for them)

Also we have told them he has gone away for work for a few days but I don't want to lie to them for longer than necessary.

Help me protect my dignity and my sanity :-(

[Ilovecrumpets]

Hello diskdrive

I’m really sorry that this happened to you - I have been there and know the overwhelming shock and panic. It is a horrible, horrible time but please believe me that although it is a very hard road this initial bit is the worst. Try to keep eating or at least drinking if you can. If you can find someone in RL to confide in then do. It is a difficult time and having someone to practically support can help.

I’m sure others will have better advice but I think the most important thing is to see a solicitor as soon as you can. I did this and found I had to go back again at a later date but it really helped. Take as much info to the solicitor as you can ( or email it in advance) and try to make notes when there so you remember it.

Others also advise to take copies of paperwork etc - I did t do this but did over the next few days start to get info on all the bills etc in one place ( you may be more organised and have this!).

I would also get in touch with work and maybe take a few days off if you can. I thought I could manage but quickly realised I did need a day or two. If you could get some help with the kids during those days then that would also help. Keeping it together infornt of them is probably the hardest.

I hope others will be along soon to give more detailed advice. More than anything keep in your mind you will get through this. It will be hard but you can and will do so. Draw in others if you can. And do post - I know it can feel a little strange posting to stranger son the internet but I have honestly had so much support on here from strangers - particularly those going through it. There are a few long running threads so drop in.

Take care and I am so sorry this is happening to you

[Ilovecrumpets]

Oh and some men do behave well in divorce but others sadly don’t. It’s very hard to believe of someone you have loved and trusted but do be on your guard. My counsellor said to me that people show you who they are through their behaviour, so always take it seriously.

[JugglingaBoxofFrogs]

What a terrible shock for you.

You seem to be very child focused and this is what you need to hold on to. The children should be the main focus of what happens next. If I were in your shoes, I would be expecting to stay with the children in the FMH until the youngest is 18, especially as you say that he is the main earner. Whatever your H wants or needs is secondary to their well being.

Over the next few days, try to get some of your ducks in a row. Money in the joint account(s) is family money, as is his ISA(s) regardless of who put the money in. A word of caution though, it is generally bad form to copy (or hide) correspondence that is addressed to him only, so tread carefully. However, any documents in joint names should be securely stored for safe keeping

You may think your H will be reasonable, but you have no control over the OW and, in my opinion, sometimes a third party can get a person to behave in a way they would not normally and this can be confusing and upsetting.

If you can, try to get a free initial consultation with a solicitor who can advise you more than we can so that you know a little more about where you stand and what you need to do to protect your DC's.

So sorry this has happened. Do use this forum, if only to rant. It often helps to talk to complete strangers and get things off your chest.

[diskdrive]

Thank you both -some really useful advice there and I will try and get hold of a solicitor tomorrow to book an initial chat. I am still in shock really and haven't slept much - so much stuff going round my head!
Luckily I have two amazing sisters who always have my back and are able to give me lots of real life support. And whatever 'd'h has now done -he has given me the two most amazing children in the world and I will do whatever I can to ensure their happiness. Having a little cry now - can't believe how quickly and suddenly our whole lives have been torn apart.

[BifsWif]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Can you transfer half of the joint money into your own account? I agree that you should stay in the family home until the youngest is 18. If the house needs to be sold at that point you should be able to buy something else with your half of the sale?

Are you managing to eat? Do you have real life support?

[Pixikitten0123]

Awww so sorry you’re going through this, I was the same in March. Get a diary and log any contact or agreements you come to. If he’s not coming back you also need to get bills in your name and apply for the 25% reduction in council tax, call Tax Credits and get a claim in. Also have a look for any debts. Xxx

[PurpleWithRed]

Lots of good advice above: crucial from my experience
a) gather all the financial info you can, including anything about both your pensions. The more info you have the less you are dependent on him telling you stuff. Share your info with him too.
b) don't rush into any decisions, and try to keep everything businesslike: decisions made in the grip of high emotions may not be the best for your children or for you
c) accept that life is going to change and have high but realistic expectations
d) staying civilised is the best protection for your children