So lost please help

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

Left abusive h 6 weeks ago. He is a binge drinker he came home drunk, aggressive behaviour. Scared me. We have a toddler and a baby in the house so I called police (not first time)

I have tried to give him access to the kids but the 2nd weekend he was supposed to have them he was sending me abusive messages throughout the night before. I know him; he was drunk. He would not have slept and he wanted to pick babes up. I told him no as I didn’t consider it safe as over limit

Things now are awful, my solicitor has advised no contact, she says his constant emails / text are harassment and that my relationship sounds abusive and like he has had coercive control, she expects I will be turned down for mediation and that the only way to sort finances and contact with him will be through the courts.

I feel so bad not letting him see the kids BUT he won’t accept supervised contact with me or my family. His family have really turned on me in the last few weeks. Mil text to say if I had ran a cleaner house and had more meals ready for him he would not have treated me so bad so I don’t really want to see them either. I also don’t trust them now to stop him if he tried to take them. Previously we had a good relationship and they were good grandparents but they have really turned

But then I think he does love them and if court case takes months and he doesn’t see them they will forget him and then court ordered contact will be worse

I am so confused...my solicitor and family are saying it’d not my fault and to let courts decide but it feels so wrong for him not to see his kids. Social services were involved because of police involvement but they are happy kids are now safe and said they cannot guide contact but it’s my responsibility to keep babies safe.

It’s all about winning for him...I am so confused

[Lonelycrab]

Don’t feel bad for not letting him see your kids. Regardless of what has or hasn’t happened your dcs must be sheilded from any aggression as much as possible and if it has got to the point where you are calling the police, he is clearly not thinking in their interest.

My in laws turned on me in a similar way fwiw. Used to be lovely, then suddenly I became the bad one even though this couldn’t have been further from the truth. My stbxw had turned abusive towards me for months and they all simply refused to listen to facts. So sod them if they are coming out with nonsense like you say. It does really hurt though.

If he is an abusive, aggressive alcoholic then sadly it’s not in your kids interest to see him until he changes.

If it is comes down to the courts deciding, then his actions as you describe will do him no favours, although I don’t (yet) have much experience in how this actually works. Log everything that is happening though.

Your priorities are your kids, and yourself. Explain to him you will not communicate if he cannot be civil and sober. Hope that helps a bit, I’ve gone through similar this year and it’s awful so hugs to you.

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

Thank you so much lonelycrab. Do you have dc? Do they have contact?
Sorry you have been through it too

[SunflowerJo08]

Hi, sorry to hear you have been going through this - I think the best thing you can do is heed what your solicitor is saying; she is right, it is the best way forward for trying to get things sorted out. As for your in laws, perhaps MI might like to consider that her son has ended up the way he has because of her constantly making excuses for him?!

If he doesn't want supervised contact, tough. He hasn't put his children before alcohol in the past so why should you consider him now? The children have to come first. Stay strong - and keep talking on here.

[Singlenotsingle]

Us women feel permanently guilty over something, anything, especially our DC. It's in the nature of mothers; we never seem to be able to relax. Your solicitor knows what she's talking about. If he wants contact, let him apply to court. He'll probably get supervised contact.

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

Thank you I do find writing it all down really helpful and I know you are right..it’s exactly what I would be telling others to do but do hard when it’s you x

[Sistersofmercy101]

OP in this instance 'love is a verb' - if he really actually loved the children, he would ACT in a way that was in their best interests - by acting in a drunken, aggressive, threatening manner.
You know the children absolutely require safety, security and consistency, their health, welfare, emotional and psychological stability both short and long term. He cannot - will not provide this.
It's his choices and actions preventing the d.c. from contact with him - not you - you're keeping them safe.

[Sistersofmercy101]

by not acting
Typo error