Hi all,
Dh announced he wanted to end our marriage earlier this year. He already had a base for work 4 hours away so there wasn't a big exit and he was coming back to see the kids (9,8 and 5) albeit infrequently and for dwindling periods of time. We had a verbal agreement that we would tell the kids when the time was right but he didn't honour this and told them himself then didn't even let me know so I could pick up the pieces (my son told me when dh had returned to his base). We had also agreed that we would let each other know if there were new partners and discuss it before introducing them to the kids. 2 weeks ago he insisted on taking the kids to his base, despite me protesting that it was too far for a weekend in termtime. They then spent the weekend with his new partner and her son without my knowledge or consent. The first I knew of her existence was when he brought the kids back. He had assured me he would be looking after them on his own that weekend and when I challenged him on this he said "you wouldn't have let them come if you'd known". To be honest, I suspect she's the reason he walked out in the first place. I have been dealing with the fallout since - they have been upset and quite confused. He is due to have them for several periods over the summer and says its none of my business what he does with them when he has them. I just want to know so I can prepare them for what they can expect - they have never been away from me for more then a couple of days at a time and they are facing 3x 5 day periods away from me in quick succession. I have emailed him with what I expect eg that if they are distressed he will let them come home, that he won't forcibly remove them if they don't want to go and that he will let me know where they will be staying and who they will be seeing. My questions are:
- Can I insist that he tells me what his plans are and can I prevent him seeing them if he won't tell me? I have been very flexible so far and allowed him to see them whenever he wants at our house. I don't want to prevent him from seeing them but he is being very insensitive to their feelings and I need to protect them from this.
- Can I insist that he doesn't take them away to his base during termtime? I feel it is too far for them to travel for just a weekend and interrupts their life / activities in our new home / school (we moved there less than a year ago but before the split so they've already had a lot of disruption). I feel he should visit them at home during termtime.
- Is there an expected amount of contact according to how far away he lives? Every other weekend and a day a week isn't going to be feasible at this distance but it would be a good idea to know what is reasonable.
Thanks all.