Urgent! Ex husband just moved back into our house!

[Greengarden123]

Hi,

I’ve never posted before. I’m going through a very acrimonious divorce from husband. Following an emotionally and financially abusive relationship, I told him I wanted a divorce last year. He is a bully, spiteful and very intimidating and also has a very short fuse. He moved out in January and has a very well paid job. I look after our 2 young children, 3 and 5 years old. He’s been threatening to not pay mortgage and I’ve had to spend most of my savings on getting legal support. He let this month’s mortgage bounce and has been pushing for the house to be sold as he wants to get his hands on the equity to buy himself somewhere to live but that would leave the children and i homeless or in rental with no means to generate full time income easily for me whilst looking after them and doing school runs etc.

After receiving the letter from Mum solicitor demanding he confirms if he will pay the mortgage this month, or we will seek interim maintenance support from him, we came back afternoon school to find him in the house and he said he was now staying. House is joint mortgage. I ended up sleeping at my parents as tension was escalating and he refused to tell me what he was doing there and I’d have to speak through my lawyer if I wanted to speak to him. Kids were distressed so I thought best to deescalate. Called police but they never came out even though they said they would.

Please can someone give me advice or any help at all? Can I get him out of the house? He has broken furniture in the past with his temper. Very disruptive to the kids routine who see him every other weekend and spend time with him in his new flat which he rents which is 50 miles from our home.

[anotherfail]

Have you spoken to your solicitor yet? When did he move out? If it was a while ago and you have started making moves towards divorce then I'm not sure he can simply move back in.
Ultimately he's doing it to shake you up and unsettle you because he doesn't like the way things are going. You must go back. But you must also discuss with with your solicitor urgently.

[Sistersofmercy101]

I'm sorry he's done this to you.
He has done this as a bullying, psychological power play - to scare you and your children. But legally, as he left and you've begun divorce proceedings, your solicitor can apply for an order to legally allow you (as the children's main resident parent) and your children to live in their home, the marital home, and he live elsewhere until divorce is finalised.
Speak to your solicitor today this is very urgent - insist, be calm but do not take no for an answer until you see something is actually being done!
Do NOT under ANY circumstances allow him to stay in the house with the children without you present because (as his behaviour shows) he may prevent you from returning and claim that he is the children's main resident carer. (Or some other such distressing awful behaviour.)
speak to your solicitor - good luck

[Greengarden123]

Thank you for your replies guys. Sorry the above message is a bit garbled. Update: my solicitor is applying for a maintenance order immediately. I can save costs on this by taking it to court myself and answering questions before the court I think. Ex won’t be there at the time so that’s a relief. The police also called and said they want to talk to both him and I As I explained to them the nature of what has been happening with regard to his threats about the mortgage and other things. They said immediately that it is coercive behaviour and financial abuse so they want to speak to both of us and won’t let it go until we have given statements and have decided what to do. Feeling frightened of this escalating and of him being arrested. I know it’s typical of women in my situation to feel like this but if I do that, the implications of him getting arrested at this point appear far greater than trying to resolve it, but then I am in a revolving door of dispute?? Anyone who has ever been in this situation please message me and tell Me that it ends at some point and you can move on with your life! Thank you x

[MrsBertBibby]

You need to press charges if the police go for it. That will make it much more likely you will get him out either through police bail conditions, or an Occupation Order, which you should talk to your solicitor about.

Where was he living until he moved back in? Can he go back?

[Notthatwomanagain]

Is your solicitor only suggesting a maintenance order? That attempts to deal with the finances but not the fact he is back in the house and refusing to leave.

Contact women’s aid for advice.
You may need a better solicitor. An occupation order may be advised given he has a rental elsewhere you would not be making him homeless which makes that easier to obtain.

Can a family member go and talk to him?

Above all you must stay safe
What a horrible man.
So sorry he is doing this to you.

[Sleephead1]

sorry op sounds very hard and a horrible shock i would dpeak to rbe police to see if tbeu can renove him but think long term what are your plans are you working and want to take over mortgage or sell and split the the money ? or are you hoping to stay in the home and he moves out but pays the mortgage ? I would speak with your solicitor and see what they come up with but I'm not sure it's 100% realistic to assume he will leave but still be paying for everything. It's not clear if you work at tbe moment ? my friend is still going through this her ex very very high earner he is fighting it all the way and it's going on 3 years now she is now being pressured to return to work full time and has been told she needs to get plans in place as when it goes back to court her solicitor is advising her to be prepared he will probably only have to to pay the mortgage for x amount of time so when that time is up she will have to have things in place.

[BlessedBee]

Take it from someone who has gone through something very very similar: press charges for coercive controlling behaviour. Document the emotional/physical abuse and financial abuse, get witness statements and screenshots and give a statement to police. File a without notice hearing C100 and C1a form through your solicitor and call police and log your complaint. Can one of your parents or a close friend stay in the house with you? Do not leave the kids alone with him.

[BlessedBee]

Remember: if you don’t document it or there is no proof then it’s hard to get heard. Do your kids have counselling? Any chance you could tell school so they’re aware and can arrange independent counsel for the kids?

[Brakebackcyclebot]

Hello OP. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

Making sure you and the children are safe has to be number 1 priority. Talk to someone at Womens Aid, or the Domestic Violence Helpline.

Keep records of everything - dates, details.

Listen to police advice about keeping safe, and go with it. You need really good boundaries in place - if your ex is messaging you, harrassing you, you don't have to answer, or speak to him. Keep communication to a minimum.

Get urgent legal advice on what you can legally do.

Who do you have for support? Make sure you have a good support network around you, and people you can call on in an emergency. Let trusted friends know what's happening.

Please don't be afraid to call the police out again. Coercive behaviour is a crime. Remember that your children will learn from you how to handle bullies. Please don't let fear paralyse you into giving in.

Keep all your paperwork safe.

You could also perhaps get hold of some books that might help - "It's my life now" is good - www.amazon.co.uk/Its-My-Life-Now-Relationship-ebook/dp/B00CX0JG6O?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Also I'm still standing by Mel Carnegie - www.amazon.co.uk/Im-Still-Standing-Mel-Carnegie-ebook/dp/B00AR0XF82?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Also do somethings to make yourself feel strong. Wear your favourite clothes, stand tall, try to take some exercise.

[dopedg]

You say he is financially abusive and has a short temper? much of the advice you are getting here is completely awful and unnecessary perhaps he is in a financially hard position much to the position you fear getting into yourself. Can things not be worked out in a more civil manor for the kids sake at the end of the day it is also their father, calling the police is a horrendous thing to do in front on ones kids. Could he look after the kids and you go back out to work, could he hire a nanny to help around the house? what are the options or is this geared up entirely for your own selfish benefit with the advice of other selfish individuals using children as an emotional shield.

I am sorry to hear you are going from this also but I cant help but see the generic divorce description as a default for any mum going through the process ( emotional, abuse, angry ) which honestly goes without saying generally for any divorce. You are also angry and come across as emotional, you hate your husband and such hate also counts as emotional abuse so it goes both ways.

My advice have some compassion, he might be struggling much like yourself, and you will most likely find he will meet you in the middle which should be the very least either of you should expect from such a situation, do not try and push him into the gutter, can he afford to live right now? can you afford to work? work the situation out do not be weak.

[dopedg]

Why is everyone jumping to the conclusion that she and the kids are not safe have I missed something?

[DancingLedge]

Yeah, quite a lot, dope

[OrchidInTheSun]

The OP has only written two posts dopedg. They're fairly easy to read but I've copied some salient lines which explain why everyone is 'jumping to the conclusion that she and the kids aren't safe'

Following an emotionally and financially abusive relationship, I told him I wanted a divorce last year. He is a bully, spiteful and very intimidating and also has a very short fuse.

He has broken furniture in the past with his temper.

The police said immediately that it is coercive behaviour and financial abuse