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How long did you stay after his affair before divorce?

(29 Posts)
Tinkeringbythesea Sun 08-Jul-18 05:56:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OP’s posts: |
AllStar14 Sun 08-Jul-18 06:43:15

I found out in January and had left by the April. I tried, I thought I could forgive and forget but I couldn't. This was a few years ago now but I still remember the awful feeling for those few months. It was heartbreaking and I couldn't stay with man who did that to me.

fannycraddock72 Sun 08-Jul-18 07:01:43

I found out early January and had left within 4 weeks..I wasn’t going to fight for someone who was willing to lie and betray me.

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 08-Jul-18 07:34:13

6 weeks when it became clear that although he said he wanted to save our marriage it became clear through his actions that he did not. Probably the statement that he felt that by being asked to sleep in the spare room he was being punished was one of the defining moments.

dogzdinner Sun 08-Jul-18 07:54:33

10 days

Didn't actually start the divorce then, but I did tell him to leave.

Sorry to hear you're in this situation.

Tinkeringbythesea Sun 08-Jul-18 08:36:52

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OP’s posts: |
skiclothes Sun 08-Jul-18 08:43:45

Sorry you’re going through this.
Just bear in mind that if you continue living together for 6 months after you find out then you can’t use adultery as reason for the divorce.

madcatladyforever Sun 08-Jul-18 08:47:14

5 years as I wanted to save the marriage but it was a mistake, I hated him for all of those 5 years andhe just got worse and worse.

LittleCandle Sun 08-Jul-18 08:48:56

I struggled on for a weekend. He was abroad working and refused to come home. When he emailed a joke he had been told, I knew that was the end and told him he was not welcome to come back. I packed a bag for him (although I held his kilt hostage) and never looked back.

brittanyfairies Sun 08-Jul-18 08:53:23

I found out at 3.00 on a Sunday afternoon and contacted the solicitor to discuss divorce by 9.30 Monday morning.

For me, it was getting control back into the situation. He wasn't expecting me to take the offensive, he'd told me exactly how our marriage was going to proceed on the Sunday afternoon and I just thought fuck that and took matters into my own hands. For me, it's the best thing I could have done and by being very forceful in the divorce I got everything I wanted and not the nothing he intended me to have.

CrAzYmUmOf2 Sun 08-Jul-18 08:58:50

About 5 years, I thought maybe we could try and make things work. But I think the trust had gone and I resented him and he was still an arse. So I finally plunked up the
Courage and walked with
My 2 kids. Hardest thing and best thing I ever did.

BettyBo33 Sun 08-Jul-18 09:57:50

It’s been 21 months. I thought we could get through it. I was wrong. It changed everything. I’m not sure if anyone feels the same but it’s highlighted other differences and problems in our relationship. We are all but separated but still in the same house.

OzMumofBoys Sun 08-Jul-18 11:31:38

Can he move out to give you space?

EllenJanethickerknickers Sun 08-Jul-18 11:37:57

I had asked him if he was having an affair (which he denied) 3 weeks before getting hold of his phone and getting confirmation on a Wednesday. I asked him to leave a few hours later. Saw the solicitor on the Friday. Divorce took 18 months. He didn't want me anymore anyway, tbh, and I would never have stayed with him, even after 22 years together.

Tinkeringbythesea Sun 08-Jul-18 17:29:15

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OP’s posts: |
AllStar14 Sun 08-Jul-18 18:02:15

If that's true, that he'll run back to her, then it's already over isn't it? I wouldn't waste another minute trying to salvage it.

Tinkeringbythesea Sun 08-Jul-18 18:06:35

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OP’s posts: |
LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset Sun 08-Jul-18 19:43:06

5 years and as PPs have said, don't stay it just gets worse and worse and absolutely changes everything. Feel for you OP.

Treacletoots Sun 08-Jul-18 19:49:24

Oh OP. He's not worth it. If you're certain he will go to her then she deserves him and you deserve better.

You know this but I think it just takes a little.bit of time for it to really sink in. My ex cheated with another man, yet claimed it didn't count.... Go figure. I tried for about 3 months but by the end of it just couldn't. We sold the house and moved on. As others have said, if you wait too long you can't cite adultery in your divorce proceedings, although to be fair unreasonable behaviour covers everything and anything and noone actually cares anyway.

blueangel1 Sun 08-Jul-18 20:42:06

Things went from largely tits-up to irreparable within five months. He buggered off with a "friend" of mine and then had the brass neck to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour as I had forced him to have an affair!

He was engaged within a fortnight of the Decree Absolute and married OW a few months later. She is wife number 3 so I doubt she will last long.

greenlanes Sun 08-Jul-18 20:58:26

found out in march, confronted him in may. He had bought his own property and moved out by july. Actual divorce took a lot longer. I couldnt bear to look at him; still cant. I detest liars and cheats.

Sunshineandflipflops Tue 10-Jul-18 10:57:12

The first time (a one night stand) I decided to put it behind us (I won't say 'forgive' as I'm not sure you ever really can) and we lasted another 10 years, mostly happy. I had one child under 2 and was pregnant with our second though.
Second and last time (full blown affair), I found out at during the day while he was at work and by the time he came home his bag was packed and I asked him to leave. Whether he had somewhere else to go was not even a concern, I just knew I couldn't live with or even look at him a second longer. He went to him mum's for a few weeks until he got a place sorted. He would have gone straight to her I imagine but she was also living with someone. I couldn't be with someone who could so easily let me go.
I hope you make a decision that is right for you x

gemlar Tue 24-Jul-18 01:24:26

My husband cheated almost 5 years ago and was apparently a 1 night stand win a bit of flirty texting but it was with someone linked closely to us both. I only found out 4 months ago. Decided to stay to see if we can work things out, mainly for the children but also because I want it to work. He knows if there is so much as 1 lie / dodgy message then that is it, he is lucky he has had another chance. He has tried so hard the last few months to make things better between us and we otherwise had a happy 13 years.

I cannot forgive or forget, I'm tying to move forward but it's hard. There is no trust anymore, not with him or with friends or family, I don't know if it will ever return. I'm really struggling to see a future as much as I want to. It's very lonely - I'm hoping time will heal, but from all the threads I've read it vey rarely works out sad

Fivelittleduckies Tue 24-Jul-18 01:38:35

What are you trying to salvage if he is likely to go to her ? Is he sorry? Wanting to change and prove himself and save your relationship?

MissedTheBoatAgain Tue 24-Jul-18 03:40:39

I found out about affair about 3 years before my ex divorced me. Ex never denied what had happened and invited me to start divorce proceedings, but I did nothing. Big mistake as it gave ex sufficient time to move assets and money out of my reach.

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