Advanced search

How to get him gone

(18 Posts)
Sinkingswimmer Fri 06-Jul-18 16:48:29

I need to get my husband out of the family home. He is an alcoholic and addicted to cocaine. When he is in the grip of his addictions nothing else matters. We have a young son who I want to protect from the fallout from his Dad's issues more than anything.
However I have just spoken to a solicitor, who was quite confrontational, or playing devil's advocate, unsure which but he wasn't very pleasant. He said I need 'corroborating evidence', i.e.more than just my word. Apparently Police records (of my calls), health visitors records (visits resulting from my calls to Police), evidence that he has stolen from me and attempted to defraud me, and his medical history (proving addictions) are not enough to exclude him. It would just be my word against his. So in other words someone else would have to confirm how bad he is (people know but not the full extent, and a lot they know from me) or if he bruises me, go to A&E (this is an actual example he gave!!)
Is this true? Am I stuck with this forever, or until a divorce is finalised (not even started as I have no money)? I cannot leave as I have no family nearby and I earn too much to qualify for any financial help (not enough to fund another home though). But we cannot live this way. He is addicted and abusive in many ways as a result. The effect on our lives is devastating.
Please help with what to do next. I only stay because I feel trapped and what the solicitor said confirmed that feeling

OP’s posts: |
LexieLulu Fri 06-Jul-18 16:52:08

Oh my god, no advice other than what a horrible way to live.

Hope someone can help you soon

Sinkingswimmer Fri 06-Jul-18 21:15:28

Thankyou LexiLulu

Can anyone offer advice? At one point in the short telephone conversation with the solicitor I almost started crying, he was so horrible! I managed not to but it left me feeling more hopeless than ever. I suggested that I would have to consider selling my house and moving DS and I to rented accomodation (can't afford a mortgage and rent) if I couldn't get my husband out. He said I couldn't do that. Pretty sure I could as it's in my name, provided I didn't spend the proceeds.
So this man, who apparently knows the law, has left me feeling that DS and I have no hope for a future free of living with 'D'H's addictions. In the abscence of any 'evidence' we must live with him until a divorce is finalised. In his words 'it's your word against his and he would win'. Put up and shut up little woman.

But is he actually right? And what should I do?

OP’s posts: |
Singlenotsingle Fri 06-Jul-18 21:25:10

He's right that you can't get a Court order to get him out unless H has been physically violent. So either start divorce proceedings for unreasonable behaviour, OR just move out and rent instead ( probably both). Obviously you won't be able to pay the mortgage and rent as well, so would find it hard to buy again afterwards if you default on this mortgage. Depends how desperate you are.

MrsBertBibby Fri 06-Jul-18 21:33:20

Well yes he is right, and that is probably why he upset you. Because it's bloody shit, but the law requires evidence before it chucks people out of their home.

So I have families where I am hounding social services to finalise reports because that will be evidence but in the mean time I can't get my client help.

And divorces and financial claims are backed up to shit so there's no relief there.

I spend half my day banging my head on a brick wall. And the other half trying to convince my clients it really isn't my fault.

Can you drop him in it with police? That would help. And you need to get a divorce in. No matter what. He can easily stop you selling by the way. He's right about that too.

I'm sorry.

MrsBertBibby Fri 06-Jul-18 21:34:13

You can get him out without violence but you need evidence. Always.

Sinkingswimmer Fri 06-Jul-18 21:40:21

Exactly. Not prepared to risk defaulting and my future financial stability, but obviously not prepared to risk assault either. Would an assault on me for which he was arrested and detained for days, but ultimately not charged, 2.5 years ago count? This was followed by numerous reported incidents of threatening behavior, most recently at Christmas time (I gave up after that as the Police tried to get me to pay for a hotel for him. I refused so they brought him home despite my fears and his drunken state).
I fear we are trapped and my only hope is he stops drinking and taking drugs. Or he assaults me and I can prove it.

OP’s posts: |
Sinkingswimmer Fri 06-Jul-18 21:47:08

The law is really shit isn't it? I know it protects people from being made homeless, but surely this being at the expense of the saftey and wellbeing of their families is ridiculous?
Are there any real options available to DS and I? Or must we continue to live with it?

OP’s posts: |
MrsBertBibby Fri 06-Jul-18 21:50:24

But you can't expect courts to make orders on your say so, surely?

You need to prioritise getting a petition in. Once you are divorced you can exclude him. What region are you in?

MrsBertBibby Fri 06-Jul-18 21:52:54

And can you drop him in it for cocaine possession? Has he any drug convictions?

Notbeingrobbed Fri 06-Jul-18 21:58:16

My experience tells me the law is only concerned with property and even abusive husbands seem entitled to take half of all you have. It is slavery.

Sinkingswimmer Fri 06-Jul-18 21:59:00

I thought an extensive reported history of physical, mentally and financially abusive behaviour, and the resulting involvement of the authorities concerned with our child's wellbeing, would be enough to get an order, yes. It seems I'm wrong. So I, and DS too, sadly, will have to live with the consequences of his actions for some time to come.

OP’s posts: |
Sinkingswimmer Fri 06-Jul-18 22:06:24

We are in Scotland. He has a caution for drug possession, but he had the 'sense' to say it was speed when it was really cocaine, hence the caution was not a conviction

OP’s posts: |
Sinkingswimmer Fri 06-Jul-18 22:14:06

If I were able to find a way to rent while still paying the mortgage, would it count against me as I left the family home? Could I return if I decided to could no longer afford it? Ultimately there is no way he could buy me out but I could do so (at this time anyway). What if he were to leave and I were to 'help' him do so financially? Is that a bad idea?
Also, if by some miracle he moved out voluntarily, could I somehow prevent him returning? I guess that works both ways though

OP’s posts: |
Notbeingrobbed Fri 06-Jul-18 22:16:31

Can you ask him to leave and say if he doesn’t you’re going to get the police round (if he’s still drug taking). It’s not a suitable environment for a child.

MrsBertBibby Fri 06-Jul-18 22:17:01

Well Scotland is a different legal system so I am not really able to advise.

That evidence might in the end be enough but in England, I'd be saying it's a huge gamble. And it would take months to get to court in our clogged up courts.

MrsBertBibby Fri 06-Jul-18 22:18:43

Number 1 priority is get your divorce moving.

Sinkingswimmer Fri 06-Jul-18 22:36:51

TBH I have no idea how it works here but what the solicitor said suggests similar to your experience MrsBertBibby. I will look into filing for divorce. Will prob consult a different solicitor though! I am very worried about what will happen when he is informed, which is what has put me off doing so before now.

He is terrified of the Police Notbeingrobbed. The threat is not enough though, and in itself makes him worse as he worries and so drinks etc to calm himself. I'd have to actually call them which I only do if I have cause to do so. And then of course there is no hard evidence, except my say so and his admittance. He holds it against me and his drinking and drug taking becomes becomes worse.

He's a typical addict, from what I understand, and acknowledges this. No child should have to live with such a parent. I guess I have to find a way for us to be free

OP’s posts: |

Join the discussion

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet

Already have a Mumsnet account? Log in