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I can't do it

(7 Posts)
Oceandegree Tue 03-Jul-18 20:23:17

I left H with the 3 children about 3 years ago. I was very unhappy due to various reasons.
I hardly saw him (his work) and I knew he worked hard - this wasn't really the issue as I've always enjoyed my own space anyway but the kids felt it.
The main reason was the constant criticism and walking on eggshells around him. I felt very belittled and patronised and just felt it wasn't going to get any better.
It took me a long time to get the guts to go. I had three young children and I was not working at the time myself.
Mum helped me out by getting me a place near her (about 3 hours away). I left with nothing apart from my old peugeot 206 I'd just passed my test in a year before!
I set to work studying and volunteering for a while then got into work again as soon as I could. In this respect I've had to start again and earn a low wage as a TA now on about 12,000 a year.
I left h in the house (3 bed in London mortgaged) and started to rent. That house is worth around 400,000 + now and he still lives there on his own. H earns around 80K a year + 20K bonus, pensions etc.

.....fast forward 3 years.
H had a house he rented out (he bought years ago as investment). I used to get the rent as part of 'household contributions' as he put it. (basically my pocket money to buy food and groceries etc)

In January this year, h said he wanted to sell it and he would give us the proceeds (165 K) towards a house for the kids and I. He wanted me to aort out getting it on the market and getting a solicitor (so it would help me know what to do when I came to buy in his words).
I spent lots of time trying to sort out paperwork, estate agents and getting a solicitor.
I started to look around at houses and told the kids. we were all excited and shared our plans.
2 weeks ago I asked how much he intended now to give us so I could apply for a mortgage. He sent a text back saying £125K.
I was set back as I could only get a small mortgage on my salary. I knew I couldn't get anywhere with 3 beds now with this drop.

I waited until completion (Friday). I heard nothing over the weekend.
I got an email this morning which said he now thought putting the money into a house was not a good idea and he was going to put it into an investment opportunity (build up a business or something).
I have not received a penny.

I'm shocked and just feel crap. I feel like I've been totally taken for a ride.
I'm exhausted working 5 days a week with 3 young children just to pay the bills.

I have never asked him for money (he does give me £550 a month maintenance) and I never go out or have even thought about getting into any other relationship.
I have never asked for a divorce and I just can't seem to get my head around doing it.
We've now been married 9 years.
I hate having to rely on other people and I just can't feel right about going to divorce to 'take his money'.
However, I am trying to hard to give the kids what they need and I feel like I will never trust anyone again.
I don't have any feelings for him but feel guilty for leaving.
I thought it would all be fine if he settled on his own terms with help towards a deposit.
I still feel sorry for him living on his own and just working all the time as he doesn't really have family or friends around. (not that I have either really apart my mum)
I am so confused right now.

Basically I don't feel entitled to anything which is why I can't bring myself to ask for divorce.

OP’s posts: |
Phillipa12 Tue 03-Jul-18 20:36:09

Go and see a solicitor and also please calculate the maintenance correctly because on those wages you should be getting a lot more than £550 a month! You need to stop feeling guilty as hes seriously taking the piss.

lifebegins50 Tue 03-Jul-18 23:07:35

For your dc you need to get a fair settlement...no guilt needed as you left for fair reasons.

If the assets are circa 600k plus pensions you will be due £300k minimum.
This will give security of a home for your dc.

Oceandegree Thu 05-Jul-18 21:31:55

Thank you. Where do I start?
Do I see a solicitor first?
How/when should I tell him?

OP’s posts: |
Oceandegree Thu 05-Jul-18 21:41:36

Also, I have a feeling he might ignore the papers or not consent to be difficult. Can I do it now after 3 years or wait until 5 without consent?

OP’s posts: |
lifebegins50 Fri 06-Jul-18 23:11:55

See a solicitor first (maybe try a few).

You can divorce now and most people don't contest, if he went to a solicitor they would tell him not to bother contesting.

You can line everything up and then tell him it's time to break the legal link you have...you might be able to find reasons why he should divorce as potentially all assets be has made since separation are joint...assume you are in England, not Scotland?

Oceandegree Fri 06-Jul-18 23:26:57

I am in England lifebegins.

OP’s posts: |

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