When do we tell the children?

[rainbowswillreturn]

Is it best to tell our children about our split/divorce now or to wait until after DD has started secondary school?
My husband admitted only two weeks ago that he is having an affair but he also told me that he had another 5 year affair that started when DS was only a baby. I'm having a difficult time getting my head around this but wanted to keep things amicable for the kids' sake. We'd both said that we would like to wait and tell the children after DD started secondary school in September and use the time until then to agree all the arrangements (so we could tell DC exactly how things will work going forward).
However, he is not showing any consideration or compromise from his side and has today chased me about issuing the divorce peititon (today is our wedding anniversary!). I'm not sure I can keep up the pretence until September if I don't see that he is trying from his side.
Would it be better to tell the children now as I'm also sure that they are noticing the arguments and the fact that mummy is upset/snappy all the time?

[BlueBug45]

What are the kids going to be doing in the summer holidays? The kids need stability which is why I can understand you telling them once they are at school, but if they are doing similar things as last year you may as well both tell them now. Also if one of your kids is changing schools this may affect their school work and behaviour, which in a school environment that doesn't know them maybe a problem.

[Purplejay]

My H moved out 2 months ago and my son is the same age as yours. We told him the day H moved out (a Friday). There were lots of tears that day and he was unsettled/tearful a few days but once he realised he was still seeing lots of both of us (his dad is here after school) then he seemed to settle. We are a little team and talk a lot which helps. He now knows his Dad is seeing someone else but seems to have processed this ok and if anything prefers to know the ‘real’ reason. He didn’t want to tell his friends but within a coulpe of days began to do so, and within a month lots of his classmates know. There are so many single parent or blended families these days, he does not feel like the odd one out. I think being at school has helped but so long as you keep them busy and they can see their friends they should be fine. I didn’t want to say anything until H moved out because up to that point I felt like we might change our minds! I didn’t want to mess our son about thinking we might get back together. I don’t know if this is a factor for you.

[Purplejay]

To add, it might be better to tell them now given that the move to secondary is a big deal as they will have a lot to process without feeling upset or distracted by what is going on at home.

[rainbowswillreturn]

Thanks everyone. It's such a tough thing to do and I know I will feel better once they know and we don't have to hide anything.

I think it might make sense to do it sooner rather than later. I'd originally thought we should get my daughter settled at secondary school first as I didn't want her worrying about this as well as being anxious about starting a new school. However she had her induction days this week and can't wait to start so I think it would be good to tell her so she can get used to it before the new school.

So I'm going to suggest that we tell them in a couple of weeks at the end of term (ex hubby is not going to move out of the family home until the finances are agreed so that can't be a trigger - but no change of us getting back together). I'll let my daughter enjoy her last two weeks of primary school (inc school play and the prom) and then they will have the summer holidays to get used to it (we are going to my mums for part of it which is what we have done in previous years as well).

Purplejay - good to hear your son seems to be coping OK with it. Ex-hubby is saying he doesn't want our kids to know he has another woman but I think at 11 and 9 they should know - not all the details but just the fact she exists.

[BlueBug45]

OP better the children find out now there is ow with an age appropriate version of why you split up rather than when they are older. At 11 and 9 they will be less bitter than teenagers/adults who find out the real reason their parents split up especially as they will have to see their dad and possibly the ow, who may be together for a while, after you divorce.