no contact for 11 years

[zoe99]

My son is 12 and has not seen his biological father since just before his first birthday. My ex's choice, he has another son who is turning 20 this year. My ex pays through the maintenance service.

I met my husband when my son was 11 months old and he views him as his dad. I have always told my son the truth about parentage and he has always said he does not want to meet my ex.

Yesterday I received a letter for referral to mediation, I was very taken aback and don't know what to make of it.

My ex was promoted in the Navy last year and when his other son started university last year I don't think he declared it. I've never asked for a financial review. But I'm guessing its come up with the maintenance meeting.

Has anyone else been asked to attend mediation for finances? I think maybe he wants me to go for that?

Would a judge make a child see a parent after 11 years and 4 months of absence?

I've emailed mediation to ask them to tell me what the referral is about?

Any advice gratefully received

[MooseBeTimeForSpring]

I would say that at 12 your son is old enough to decide for himself. “The wishes and feelings of the child in light of their age and understanding” is one of the factors to be taken into account.

[MooseBeTimeForSpring]

Was there a clean break on the divorce? He’s not got any Mesher type order on your home?

[zoe99]

HI

We were never married and I have my own house

I'm just trying to think what the mediation could be about. I'm guessing he cannot say directly to the maintenance service that he wants to keep payments the same as he will no longer be paying for other son and so my son would get more.

I wonder if the mediation will tell me whats its about, I don't like the thought of going to a meeting when you don't know what the agenda is

[MrsBertBibby]

I doubt it's about money, as CMS liability isn't really negotiable.

I would guess he wants contact. He will have a pretty uphill struggle, if your son is clear in his wishes.

Could you write to him direct asking what he wants to mediate about?

[BlueBug45]

No one can tell you what the mediation is for except your child's bio father, so write to him and ask what it is for.

If it ends up being to see his son then don't be obstructive. Allow your son to tell him to bug off himself. This is to avoid either party blaming you for not allowing them to have contact. A few of my friends' did this when their bio father's turned up when they were in their teens and one did this more than once.

[waterSpider]

Sometimes 'contact' begins in an indirect manner -- like writing a letter or something like that. If it is about contact, I think you need to be cautious but open-minded.

If about maintenance, then yes his pay rise (and possible future retirement?? military sometimes retire early) and child being above 18 could both be relevant.

[MarieG10]

It is totally reasonable to have an explanation about what he wants mediation about. No one can be critical of you if you have refused to attend a meeting with someone you have not seen or heard from after all this time without a bloody good explanation. Either refuse flat out or request a full explanation of what he is seeking to resolve. You can decide the
N

[zoe99]

Hi

I've head from mediation and they have said it is about contact.

I've replied to them explaining the length of having no contact. My ex has never given me his home or work address, email or phone number.

I will wait and see if they reply?

As this is all new to me would he have gone to mediation first rather than a solicitor because of then length of time? Is my son of an age where his wishes and what he wants are taken into account?

My husband feels that if my ex replies then I should present a list of questions and meet him

[MrsBertBibby]

I imagine he has gone to mediation because it is cheaper than a solicitor.

They won't reply, it isn't up to them to question whether a referral should have been made.

If it goes to court the case, like all cases, will be decided on the basis of what is in your son's best interests. To determine that the court will consider all the circumstances including his wishes and feelings.

The wishes and feelings of a 12 year old boy are usually given considerable weight, but are unlikely to be determinative. In particular the court may want him at least to consider a letter and photo from this man, and to consider meeting with him after that.

If he remains dead set against meeting that is likely to be respected, although the court might permit an annual letter or something (resist the dreaded "card at birthday and Christmas" bollocks, no child deserves the incursion of an unwanted parent to trash their special days every year.)

I would go along and ask him what the fuck this idiot thinks he's playing at.

[MarieG10]

I think she knows what he is playing at. Whilst doing sod all until he is 12, he now decides it is the time to be involved now it is easier and before your son is too old.

What I have seen before is that although children may be initially reluctant, surprisingly they can become receptive to contact which I know must be maddening. You need to decide how much you will facilitate this as one of the risks is that he walks in and causes mayhem and disruption to him. Difficult but I would be very reluctant to even meet your ex in,ems your son wants to consider it. All you will get is the excuses and a guilt trip...probably be your fault (as indeed it is for some)

[zoe99]

I just cant understand after so long why want contact? Its the not knowing why which is worse.

He's never sent a Christmas or birthday card and I'm still in the same house so he knows the address.

Part of me thinks its because my son is older and easier to care for than when he was small.

I do feel he owes an explanation about wanting contact now, I will wait and see what happens.

[MrsBertBibby]

OP if you don't agree to mediation now, he will get his bit of paper to go to court, and all control is gone.

I would strongly suggest you go to mediation, and do it now as neither mediation nor he have to answer your questions.

Up to you, but waiting and seeing will likely mean what happens next is a Court date.

[Kingsclerelass]

Could it be that the older son has now left and your ex doesn’t have that relationship any more so he’s looking to your son to replace it?

[MarieG10]

Mrs BertBibby

I don't think all control is gone. At her sons age his views will be very powerful and unlikely to be overridden u less there is sound evidence of the OP poisoning his mind. The fact that his stepfather has also fulfilled such a role will be influential.

The only point of going to mediation is
A - the op is willing to consider visitation and uses it to work through terms
B - to explain why she isn't amenable to access, if she feels willing to do it.

If she is t prepared for access then it is potentially going to go to court but her ex will need to be very determined as seeing what some fathers go through, who should have access it can be nearly impossible.

I am all for both parents seeing children but a gap of 11 years is a disgrace and her ex should be ashamed of himself given the circs the OP describes

[MrsBertBibby]

Marie I don't think you quite grasp what Court entails.

A stranger tells you what you must do with your child, and if you disobey, you can go to prison.

Kind of a dictionary definition right there.

[zoe99]

I spoke to my solicitor today. They said mediation is part of the process and you can refuse to go. He said in my case mediation would not be appropriate. The court would look at 11 years of no contact with a detrimental view and question commitment.

As my son wants no contact he said it would be highly unlikely that contact would be given, due to length of time and what my son wants, at best a letter which would be regulated by the courts

I don't know if my ex will take me to court but I'm glad I spoke to solicitor

[Starlight345]

I am glad you did too..

Can I ask if you have asked your DS since mediation has been suggested..

The reason I ask is I have an 11 year old boy and his answer does change..He would say the same as your DS but I think part of that is due to him not thinking (quite rightly) his dad is not going to get in touch.

[MarieG10]

Mrs BertBibby. I actually have a pretty good idea about what court entails and for exactly the reason outlined by the OP in advice from her solicitor they are extremely unlikely to enforce any contact given the circumstances. If her son were in fact wanting to and she prevented it, that may be a different issue

Lots of women refuse to facilitate contact despite numerous court hearing, orders, direction etc. Most men usually give up as the process can pretty much break them and judges are very very reluctant to inprison mothers.... doesn't make it right and does show how shit the system is for genuine caring dads

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

MrsBert, if a DM blocks access by claiming, for example, endless minor illnesses the courts do absolutely nothing. There are almost limitless possibilities for preventing contact if you're manipulative and determined enough and, as Marie said, judges are very reluctant to imprison mothers.