I've been lost ever since the birth of my son, in 2014. I feel like I've made a mess of my family's life and could really use some advice. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, there's just so many layers to the story.
So it's 2009 and my boyfriend and I finally decide to move in together. No sooner than we have all our stuff unpacked, I discover he's having an affair. I log into our shared computer one night while he's napping on the couch, and lo and behold, he forgot to log out of his email. I discover a thread of messages that makes my heart beat so fast I'm scared it might explode. Long story short, he's been talking online to this girl for over a year and a half. I dig through phone records and discover they spend HOURS on the phone. HOURS. Especially on holidays. I reach out to her, she believes this is a real relationship and is as shocked and hurt as I am.
This is not the first time... but we live together now. Nothing is as it seemed, I am heart broken. Clearly, I am not enough. So I decide to become enough. I indulge him in all his weird, sexual fantasies. I do what I can to make him happy, even thought I'm not into it. Why? With hindsight, I realize this is a bad idea. I wanted to fit in with our friends, I wanted to be married and buy a house. I start to become repulsed at our new sex life. I am not into this, but I power through. We are best friends, everything else is great.
We get married, we buy a beautiful home, it's well above anything I could have ever asked for. My husband works out of town most of the time, so I am on my own. I do all the house work, all the yard work. I pay all the unexpected bills, and most of the expected ones. I am beginning to hate sex. I set boundries, he bulldozes right through them. Sometimes after sex I feel disgusting. I just want to cry, take a shower, and go the fuck to bed. Sex is just part of my to do list, it is not enjoyable in the least.
After 2 years of this I go off birth control. Which is odd, I always said I did not want kids, but this is what I signed up for, right? So I get pregnant, have a premature baby who is born 11 weeks early. Life is STRESS. FULL. Post partum depression is real. What the fuck have I done? My reaponse? I begin an affair with this guy I've had a flirtation with for years.
I know, this is a terrible idea. I was not in my right mind, I don't know what I was thinking. I have always judged people who have affairs so harshly. Yet, here I am. Using my affair as a numbing mechanism, just as someone would with alcohol or drugs. I realize I have never been attracted o my husband and I just can't stand sex with him. He picks up on this and forces me into sex about 3 times. I know I should not have been having an affair, but being forced into having sex with someone does not increase your desire for this person. I hated every minute of it, and I hated him.
Fast forward 3 years, my affair is long over. My sexual repulsion for my husband is still alive and strong. He continues to try to push up on me, even though I moved out 2 years ago, and I really can't force myself to have sex with him again. I feel so guilty. My affair was with someone I was attracted to, and someone I enjoyed sex with. Complete opposite from my husband. I hated sex with him, I despised it, and was sometimes forced into it.
And yet.. he is a great father. He understands what he did wrong and will do anything to have his family back together. For 3 years he has done all he can to get me back. Sometimes I think he will never stop. I feel suffocated... like someone is holding my head down under water.
I am racked with guilt for my affair. If I could suck it up and go back to him, we would all be better off financially. He was recently fired from him job and I'm worried about the mortgage payment that is in both our names. I don't know what to do... I'm also worroed about our son and him growing ul in 2 homes.
Any advice??
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Divorce/separation
SO lost- advice needed
7 replies
Cfranklin · 23/06/2018 03:30
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