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SO lost- advice needed(8 Posts)
I've been lost ever since the birth of my son, in 2014. I feel like I've made a mess of my family's life and could really use some advice. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, there's just so many layers to the story.
So it's 2009 and my boyfriend and I finally decide to move in together. No sooner than we have all our stuff unpacked, I discover he's having an affair. I log into our shared computer one night while he's napping on the couch, and lo and behold, he forgot to log out of his email. I discover a thread of messages that makes my heart beat so fast I'm scared it might explode. Long story short, he's been talking online to this girl for over a year and a half. I dig through phone records and discover they spend HOURS on the phone. HOURS. Especially on holidays. I reach out to her, she believes this is a real relationship and is as shocked and hurt as I am.
This is not the first time... but we live together now. Nothing is as it seemed, I am heart broken. Clearly, I am not enough. So I decide to become enough. I indulge him in all his weird, sexual fantasies. I do what I can to make him happy, even thought I'm not into it. Why? With hindsight, I realize this is a bad idea. I wanted to fit in with our friends, I wanted to be married and buy a house. I start to become repulsed at our new sex life. I am not into this, but I power through. We are best friends, everything else is great.
We get married, we buy a beautiful home, it's well above anything I could have ever asked for. My husband works out of town most of the time, so I am on my own. I do all the house work, all the yard work. I pay all the unexpected bills, and most of the expected ones. I am beginning to hate sex. I set boundries, he bulldozes right through them. Sometimes after sex I feel disgusting. I just want to cry, take a shower, and go the fuck to bed. Sex is just part of my to do list, it is not enjoyable in the least.
After 2 years of this I go off birth control. Which is odd, I always said I did not want kids, but this is what I signed up for, right? So I get pregnant, have a premature baby who is born 11 weeks early. Life is STRESS. FULL. Post partum depression is real. What the fuck have I done? My reaponse? I begin an affair with this guy I've had a flirtation with for years.
I know, this is a terrible idea. I was not in my right mind, I don't know what I was thinking. I have always judged people who have affairs so harshly. Yet, here I am. Using my affair as a numbing mechanism, just as someone would with alcohol or drugs. I realize I have never been attracted o my husband and I just can't stand sex with him. He picks up on this and forces me into sex about 3 times. I know I should not have been having an affair, but being forced into having sex with someone does not increase your desire for this person. I hated every minute of it, and I hated him.
Fast forward 3 years, my affair is long over. My sexual repulsion for my husband is still alive and strong. He continues to try to push up on me, even though I moved out 2 years ago, and I really can't force myself to have sex with him again. I feel so guilty. My affair was with someone I was attracted to, and someone I enjoyed sex with. Complete opposite from my husband. I hated sex with him, I despised it, and was sometimes forced into it.
And yet.. he is a great father. He understands what he did wrong and will do anything to have his family back together. For 3 years he has done all he can to get me back. Sometimes I think he will never stop. I feel suffocated... like someone is holding my head down under water.
I am racked with guilt for my affair. If I could suck it up and go back to him, we would all be better off financially. He was recently fired from him job and I'm worried about the mortgage payment that is in both our names. I don't know what to do... I'm also worroed about our son and him growing ul in 2 homes.
Seek counselling for yourself, set yourself up as economically independently as possible and move on. It will do your DC more emotional damage to be brought up in a house where the parents do not have a functioning relationship than it will to be brought up with separated parents. Strike out on your own, without guilt, you should all be okay in the long run.
Thank you! I hope you're right! I did just set up another appointment with my therapist. I think the guilt is what is getting me down... that and my husband continuing to drag me down. I feel like he will never let go 😔
Not sure if you're divorced yet? If not, get on with it. It'll help to loosen the ties for both of you and draw a line. After which, hopefully you can both move on.
We are not divorced yet. That's exactly what my therapist says! I'm not sure what holds me back... guilt and fear, I guess.
I'm in a very similar situation to this. Not exactly, but along similar lines. I really hope you're okay. I think (although I can't seem to follow my own advice) you don't have any reason to feel guilty. You sound to be in a safe space now, where your husband can't hurt you. If you're out of it, you need to stay out of it. Think how bad it was before, and ask yourself why on earth you would go back to.
yes an affair isn't the right thing to do, but you're no longer continuing it, and even if you were you're a free agent now. in everything but name.
I really hope you get sorted, keep in touch x
Thank you Liss86, I am ok, just fighting the guilt and worried about the future. My husband is a good person, he just has boundary issues, I guess. I think he has learned and changed, but I just can't get past what has happened. I just want everyone to be happy.. which seems impossible 😔.
I appreciate the support, and the place to vent. I hope everything works out for you as well ☺
Counselling definitely, you've got SO MUCH going on. I have also had am amazing therapy called EFT - emotional freedom technique. I thought it would be rubbish and didn't truly understand it but it is AMAZING and shifts deep seated trauma in an incredible way. Take care x
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