Does defending a divorce ultimately do anything except waste money?

[PermanentPortakabin]

Stbx is threatening just that.

I am divorcing him, for unreasonable behaviour. Because that is the quickest way, and also, because he is a controlling, emotionally manipulative arsehole. The reasons I put were mild, to say the least, and worded as amicably as possible. They are factual.

He is disputing them, and has threatened to defend the petition if I don’t amend the wording (to show him in a more favourable light, although he is arguing over semantics).

Surely any such defence is just a waste of money?

I haven’t argued over anything financial as yet (though this is still not settled), and am prepared to agree a reasonable contact shedule for the dc (and he knows this - I proposed the more than reasonable schedule). He has been delaying proceedings as much as possible - he is refusing to move out until everything g is done and dusted, and so it is difficult to see this as anything other than more attempts to control and bully me into doing what he wants.

Does it actually mean anything, ultimately?

[ArnoldBee]

If you word things more favourably you may not get a divorce at all.

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

It also wastes a lot of time.

I still find it hard to understand why my ex did this.

[PermanentPortakabin]

Yes, absolutely, Arnold.

And yes, it will waste more time, which I suspect is ultimately what he wants. It’s been over a year already.

I just want this over with, it’s hell on everyone the way things are, and the dc are suffering.

[SuperLoudPoppingAction]

You're doing the right thing.
Your ex is being obstructive.
You can't really control that but you can reassure yourself that you haven't caused his actions.

Where I got divorced there were productions and counter productions. Some of my ex's counter productions were so bizarre they still make me laugh. He paid someone to write them down. Very daft waste of time.

It will pass.

[FannyByGaslighting]

I feel your pain, PermanentPortakabin and welcome you to membership of the exclusive club of being part of the 1% caught up in their ex-arseholes' defended divorce pantomimes. I am in this nightmare too, like you, having dared to list his (documented) violence as unreasonable behaviour on the petition. I have already watered it down massively but it is not enough. But you see, I don't think it will ever be enough because what these men are doing is panicking as they lose their controlling grip on us, as we disappear out the door. I wonder if your soon-to-be-ex has had the empathy bypass that mine has, which means that his desire to assert control - over everyone by the way, his lawyers who will not have advised this, his friends if he has any - is hurting his children even more than in the usual run of parental separation hostilities. Mine sends reams and reams of legal letters (patently redrafted by him to his lawyers' hair tearing frustration) which will each be 7, 8 pages of tightly knit 10 point arial invective, repetitive, bullying, tragic. We also have two parallel courtrooms to dance between - the family court because (actually dont get me started on THAT can of terrifyingly bullying worms or we will be here till Kingdom Come) of his shared custody application, and the criminal court because he is on trial for assault. Not only is he defending the divorce petition - its not that he doesn't want to get divorced, it just has to be on his terms - but threatening to take me to a Finding of Fact hearing where I would have to stand up and essentially prove that he has done all the horrible things to me over the years, that I have cited on the petition. Expensive, traumatic, ridiculous and, sadly, typical.
So I do feel your pain. But what do we do about these bastards?

F by G x

[MrsBertBibby]

The easy way out, if they cross petition, is to let them do it. No one cares who divorced whom, especially not the judge dealing with kids or money.

But yes, the only impact of defended proceedings is the massive accumulation of costs, the loss of time and the escalation of I'll feeling.

It is awful. Just unspeakably dreadful. Divorce reform can't come soon enough, but it won't for decades thanks to fucking Brexit and the Daily fucking Mail.

[PermanentPortakabin]

Fanny, that must be awful. I’m so sorry you are going through all that.

MrsBert - he won’t cross petition. I’d gladly let him divorce me. Show me where to sign, and I’d be right there. But he won’t. He claims we still have a functioning marriage, and that he will “allow” me to divorce him as long as I do it his way - otherwise, he’ll defend = equals waste of time and money, and ongoing limbo for me and the dc.

I know it doesn’t matter in the scheme of things, but he is stuck on this. As Fanny points out, it’s just further evidence of coercion and control, although I don’t think he’d take too kindly to me pointing this out...

[FannyByGaslighting]

Yup, it would be simpler if he submitted his own petition, or even simpler had his objections to the detail of my petition notified by a judge and then we could go on our merry way. A divorce petition isn’t a public document. No one is going to see the details except a few officials. It’s not something someone can look up. All that is available is the title of the grounds for the divorce. It’s crazy. But yes, it’s coercion and control.
F

[ghosting]

My ex threatened this. By the sounds of it I wasn’t as amicable as you in my wording, and he was very angry about it. I refused to change the wording. Unreasonable behaviour is what is unreasonable to you, in your opinion. I was told by my solicitor that he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if he tried to contest it and I guess his own solicitor told him that as well because in the end he backed down, because I sure as hell wasnt going to.

Out situations sound very similar and I wanted the divorce to be over as soon as possible too. If your ex is going to stall, he will stall over every tiny thing. Be prepared for it to take a long time. Control the things you can control, and try to let go of the things you can’t. I am learning to carry on with my life despite him dragging out this whole process and making it as difficult as possible. Focus on you and the DC. If he is going to be a knob, there’s not a lot you can do about it.

[PermanentPortakabin]

I am not at all inclined to change the wording.

My solicitor, too, has pointed out that it is what I consider unreasonable, on my petition. Stbx has controlled enough over the years, I will not have him policing my thoughts and feelings too.

I am trying to focus on the bigger picture. But it is hard, when I see the impact on the dc, and I hate that their childhood is being swallowed up by this. I just want us all to move on and start living our lives fully.

[ghosting]

What helped me was working out exactly how I wanted my life to be in say 2 years time. Yes, there will be stuff in there that you can’t do right now. But there will be small things you can do now to make steps in that direction. The feelings of stuckness was really awful and I hated feeling powerless. But you do have power, and you can make changes now, before the big changes happen. Take back power of your life and your feelings now. You can’t change how he feels, or how he acts. But you can change how it affects you and how you respond to it. And you can change small parts of your life too to aim towards that end goal.

[waterSpider]

You might want to see what comes out of the current Supreme Court case of a defended divorce, where the 'unreasonable behaviour' was ruled to be too reasonable. See www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hereford-worcester-44152419

[Kingsclerelass]

It also gives him more time to arrange any funds to his advantage.

[blueangel1]

It took DP over a year to divorce his abusive ex. She delayed and contested Every. Single. Fucking. Thing. It's cost his thousands more than it needed to, and now she is screeching about having no money. The whole process has been a fucking nightmare and now she is doing everything she can to hold up the sale of the house (which she isn't living in). She has even said that she doesn't care if the house is repossessed as it means DP will get nothing. Some people are just wicked and you have my sympathies OP.

[MissTeBe]

My XH did the same thing

It’s so frustrating, I really feel your pain

As others have said, this is a sign of things to come

My x is a nasty, spiteful, bitter man

Three years after leaving him, he is still trying to control me (through the children now that we are divorced and live apart)

It’s really hard

I keep a folder in my phone and write all the shitty behaviour in it so that when he says “I never said that/I didn’t do that” I can give him the precise date he did it

It makes me feel more in control

Insist on haveingbthe documentation saying you have residency of the children and exactly when he will have them

I didn’t and that is now my new battle

Good luck

[blueangel1]

@MissTeBe DP has had to keep records of everything too. It's sad that some people are such arseholes.

[Rebecca75]

It doesn't make any difference what is written in the petition does it? I thought the unreasonable behaviour thing was just to get things going rather than being taken into about account as a terrible thing against the recipient.. My oh received his yesterday - just about to post a new thread actually

[MarieG10]

It does matter what is in the petition as the poor woman who has now gone to the Supreme Court knows as her husband defended the petition on the basis that the marriage hadn't irretrievably broken down. Therefore the petition cannot be too weak as it can then feasibly be defended. Unfortunately though if he is adamant about it, yes it will cost you a fortune and is probably more about him wanting to control you.
The option you have is either
1 force him to defend it and accept it may cost a fortune, one not many can afford.
2 water it down but based on solicitors advice so not too weak
3 wait 5 years

I knew someone in your position as although his ex wife petitioned him by agreement, she then refused to sign the decree nisi. Turned out it was a loophole as it was then a real problem him legally petitioning her (don't know why) but in the end he just went bollocks to her and said he would leave it which is what he did. After another 18 months he received the decree nisi through and then he was able to finalise it after 3 1/2 years. She reckoned she had been too busy but the view was she was a female version of the controlling other half who could not accept he didn't want to be in the marriage any more (no other woman either)

[Blossom5]

I was due in court today for the ex to defend the divorce and guess what he pulled out yesterday lunch time ! His solicitor did tell mine he had told him not to defend it.... He dragged this out for so long. It continues to drag out

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

My ex also did this. In his case (he's a narc) it was partly because he couldn't beat to be aeen as anything less than an all round amazing guy (instead of the ea controlling alcoholic he actually is). In the end my solicitor amended some wording very slightly and he got his solicitor to write a letter setting out all the reasons why I was wrong about his unreasonableness. Which gave my solicitor and I a laugh, at least.

Mine dragged out everything - 2 and a half years to divorce. I've been divorced over a year and a half and certain elements are still continuing. He ia set to destroy me. But I'm tough.

Be prepared for this to just be the beginning of the fuckwittery, brace yourself and find support. I've had counselling for years now, and it helps.

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

*bear to be seen

[PermanentPortakabin]

Thanks, Batshit, that all sounds eerily similar.

He too has set out why my examples of unreasonable behaviour are, um, unreasonable, which actually instead only serve to show how controlling he is. So be it.

He will do what he will do. I’m not jumping through endless hoops - if I satisfy the conditions set out now, the goalposts will only move (speaking from experience). What will be, will be.

[ghosting]

Excellent, if he has set out a list of all your unreasonable behaviours, suggest he cross petitions.

Sorry for being flippant. This triggers a lot of stuff for me as my ex was so similar. Also a narc. Told me I was defaming his character by putting all this stuff in the divorce. The fact that it was all true was apparently irrelevant. I’m not sure he ever accepted that perhaps he wasn’t the wonderful person he thought he was, and I was telling the truth and not making anything up.

Anyway I’m sorry you are going through this. I assure you, the other side is SO much better.

[Blossom5]

So many are like this ! Glad we got out x

[blueangel1]

@BatshitCrazyWoman - you're right, the decree absolute is only the beginning of the fuckwittery. DP is still waiting to receive the copy of the consent order and the ex is playing up already. Even without the benefit of a crystal ball, I can predict he's going to have to take her back to court very soon.