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Kids clothes!(17 Posts)
I’m divorced, 3 kids I have them the majority of the time, he is asking me to provide clothes for the kids while they visit him... is it up to me or is his responsibility? He does pay maintainable... the minimum he has to
His responsibility. Just like it’s his responsibility to feed them and house them. Clothes are an essential part of daily living.
Thank you! When you put it like that it seems so obvious!
Neither parents have clothes, the children have clothes. They are their clothes.
I used to pack a weekend bag but got sick off the huge bag of dirty clothes coming home half of which were so stained they were ruined, so i went to primark. I got each dc 2 complete outfits including underwear and pjs and wellies, also got winter outfits and gave them to ex. Told him that from now on all that would be coming was dc, teddies and coats and as they grew out of clothes at his it was his responsibility to replace them. Its so much easier, less washing and no ruined clothes!
Both parents should be providing clothes and neither parent should send the children back with dirty clothes as the clothes are the children's.
So if you sent them to him with 2 sets of clean clothes in a dirty school uniform because the DC are wearing it, he should return the DC to you on a Sunday with a clean school uniform and at least one set of clothes packed. If he drops the DC of to school then they should be wearing a clean uniform and have two sets of clean clothes.
This gives him the choice of washing the clothes, or providing alternative ones.
Since he's being a CF don't send the children to him with any clothes.
From a solicitor's perspective, send them with clothes, fgs! If they were going on camp, or to Nan's, you'd send them with clothes.
And don't get into this nonsense about who launders what. We don't launder my partner's kids clothes, because they arrive on Friday in outfits out on after school, wear those again Saturday, therefore there's nothing but pants and socks to wash until Sunday morning. We're not spending Sunday at home while we wash and dry 1 outfit each! If their mum has a special need for us to launder she says so.
When they're here longer, or if they turn up in school uniform, or if we've really got them caked in mud, then obviously laundry happens. If anything gets left behind, it gets washed and back in the bags next time.
Kids have particular clothes they like to wear (especially ours: one sensory issues, one style god) and making this divide between homes is a horrible meanspirited way of carrying on, and completely fails to support their need for a happy relationship with both parents.
Kids need to see their parents working together, not using their basic needs as a weapon of war.
The parent with whom they stay should provide their clothes, as well as food and other needs. There is no legal obligation for you to provide either cloths or food or anything else while the children are with their other parent. Nor is there a moral obligation.
I fail to understand MrsBertBibby 's "solicitor" perspective. Since both parents have parental responsibility equally, they are both obliged to care and provide the basic need of their children while in their care. The parallel with the camp trip is not valid - the supervisors have no parental responsibility therefore the parent will provide for the child's necessities. Also, from a CM point of view, it is calculated based on the number of days with each parent therefore he is not paying for those days the children are in his care - no obligation for you to do anything. I find this opinion neither professional nor objective.
Morally it is up to you and what you consider a fair approach to parenting.
I do not find that my ex is helpful in any other way, quite the opposite. If given the opportunity he would never wash their stuff, allow them to trash everything and complain I don't keep the kids clean enough. He doesn't do anything else helpful either so neither myself nor the children would have any benefit if I made this extra effort. I decided to decline the role of servant and that doesn't make me a bad mother - I care for my children very well - I just don't care to be my ex's domestic cleaner, that's all.
Two polar opinions, yet regardless of it being a solicitor opinion mrsbert has it bang on frankly
* Kids need to see their parents working together, not using their basic needs as a weapon of war.*
As I said earlier, they are the kids clothes, not either parents. Unless there are massively mitigating factors that make moving clothes around difficult then let your kids have the clothes they are comfortable with. Most spend their weeks in school clothes so only need a couple of days worth of stuff. Duplicating wardrobes because you think you have some obligation too is just nuts and wasteful. And massively petty.
I agree with not using the basic needs as a weapon of war but the onus should not be placed with the mother or the main carer only. Despite the current trend, fathers have responsibilities too, not just rights. And I don't see why anybody would interpret her reluctance as an act of war!?
As the main carer of 3 kids I expect the OP has a lot of hard work to do on a daily basis and the financial aspect of caring for 3 kids can not be easy. Is it not reasonable to assume that the OP just wants a break from her chores, that perhaps she can't afford to pay for extra clothes for 3 kids or maybe she could very well use the money elsewhere?
She shouldn't carry the burden both in effort and financial for the basic needs of the children when they are in their dads care. Unless it's only a few hours visit, in which case your view would make perfect sense, the dad could easily buy and wash a few clothes, can't he, or am I missing something about men's ability to provide basic care?
Why do the children need "extra" clothes? Where is the financial burden of using the clothes they already have? Am I missing something that children suddenly require 7 outfits to be able to function?
The point is the headspace given to manouvering and resentment.
Of course fathers are perfectly capable of buying and washing clothes. Of course most of them do. But when you find you are stuck with a dad who doesn't seem to want to do this, what's the plan?
Make good your other parent's deficit by ensuring your children remain decently clothed, or embark on a war that you can never win, and let your children see how their parents can't let a damn thing go in the fight for victory, because both their parents cherish the fight with the other parent over their child's peace of mind?
Kids know what their parents are doing. They suffer it, with far greater and lasting damage than a mum does having to do a bit of extra laundry (We're not taking it to the river and beating it with rocks, FFS!) In 20 years of practice, I've seen disputes about this trivial shit (which is nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with the parent's rage) spiral to the extent that the kids were required to strip to their pants before entering father's home, and consequently, then required to do the same on return to mum. But it doesn't take that level of dysfunction to tell the kids what is really going on : hating Dad is more important than loving them.
I know It's hard, I'm not just a family lawyer, I am also a nearly 12 years separated mother, with all those years of incompetence, selfish thoughtlessness and continued bullying under my belt. But ultimately, my job and my life have taught me something I think is vital. Look at your child. Stop looking at your ex, and yourself, and look at your child. What matters to them? Because nothing else matters in this setup. Does it?
I just send a weekend bag packed and get back dirty laundry but it's much easier than arguing about who's got who's clothes etc etc. Also seems pretty pointless for him on buy clothes that'll only be worn twice a month for them to grow out of. My kids like to choose what they are taking, it's about them after all, not being petty about clothes!
Everybody is entitled to their own view and judgement and I maintain my earlier one - the mother should not be judged negatively if she chooses not to provide clothes.
Legally is not her responsibility, morally, as long as the father is capable of buying for himself and washing for himself I don't see any possible excuse for him not to do it for his own children. And if it is the father that fails in his duty for no good reason, than it shouldn't be the mother held responsible for his failure.
I don't agree with the minimizing of the expense and effort involved either - say a long weekend - Fri to Mon = 3 kids x 3 outfits = 9 outfits. Perhaps for a sahm it's no big deal but for someone working full or part time and looking after 3 kids for most of the time it may be the only chance to get an hour off the wheel. As for the costs, it is up to OP to judge if providing clothes for the time with their dad will financially impact her.
Yes, for the kids sake we should seek peace and make compromises but compromises should be made on both sides. It doesn't mean that if, for example, an ex is willing to be petty and demanding towards their fellow parent, either out of laziness or even to control and humiliate them, the default answer is to give in and satisfy the demands. Often, this leads to a continuation (after the break-up) of a faulty marital relationship with all its original negatives, including the impact on the children.
It is up to the OP, imo, to judge what is morally right, both for herself and for her children, and if, for objective reasons, she finds the demands unfair, she should at least try to do what is right for herself. The chances are that the father will just get on with life and fulfill his responsibilities, even though his default position was to place all the child related chores on his ex partner.
* Often, this leads to a continuation (after the break-up) of a faulty marital relationship with all its original negatives, including the impact on the children.*
Baffling that you encourage this.
And not forgetting 9 outfits a weekend...just wow .....
My children leave here on a Friday evening wearing clothes.... and they return on a Sunday wearing clothes. What they wear inbetween is not my concern. Just like my stbxh does not have any concern over what they wear the 12 days they are with me.
I am not his wife, therefore l don't do his wifework any more.
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