HELP!! 50/50 living arrangement ??

[artemis14]

Hi everyone,

My ex-partner and I have very recently separated and he is currently living with his parents. I have our 2 year-old son living with me.

He says that once he has moved into his own place, he wants our son 50/50 - i.e. with me Monday, with him Tuesday ... etc!

I am REALLY concerned about the implications of this on our son psychologically. Not only would it be a logistical nightmare but completely confusing for him (both now and when he gets older and wants to plan stuff, has homework, friends, games on the go, etc). He's also quite attached to me as I have always been the consistent thing in his life (dad working away etc) although dad wouldn't recognise this.

My ex is adement that he does not want to be a 'part-time dad' which i do understand, but I feel he has come to this decision with his personal needs in mind, rather than the best interests of our son. I dont think he even recognises this, or the implications for our son.

We are currently on good terms so I don't want to sour things by taking this further with a solicitor - however I really don't want this to happen, as I feel it would be really hard on our son who would essentially be living out of a suitcase!

Surely this isnt a normal arrangement ... I had assumed that our son would stay with me throughout the week and then with dad at the weekend ... dad would be welcome to come over during the week.

I dont know what to do. I havent yet told him how I feel about this because I know he will think I am doing it for my own selfish reasons but this isnt the case at all !!

I admit to only just joining MN to ask this question because I have no idea where else to go for advice so I am sorry you haven't seen me before but now I am here it seems a great place! :)

[Bezm]

I split up when my child was 5. After the initial couple of weeks sorting living arrangements out we then agreed shared care, i.e. We had her for a week ata a time, Friday evening to the following Friday morning. She saptayed with same childminder, same school so same friends. This continued until she was eighteen and went to Uni. We did alternate birthdays and Christmas days. If he went away for 2 weeks I had her for 2 weeks.
It worked really really well.

[NoGoodAtHousework]

Similar to PP, we split up when DS was 4 I think and initially I had him at weekends only while he lived at dads for week while things settle down.

Now and for the last couple of years we have done week on week off, Sunday afternoon to Sunday afternoon - we both get the rough with the smooth (monotony of school, fun of weekends etc) and it provides stability for DS and also allows me and exH to concentrate on careers/extra hours at work etc for the week we're not tied down at home.

We've got a good relationship and if either of us need to swap about like for holidays or school holidays etc. then we are flexible with it. DS is near same friends, at same school etc. And at 7 understand when he's going where and what he's doing.

[DaisysStew]

50/50 for such a small child would be difficult enough, but alternate days is ridiculous. Most 50/50 arrangements are either alternate weeks or split weeks.

Tell him that you’re happy to agree to weekends and see what his reaction is. If he disagrees then tell him to take it to court (although you may want to rethink every weekend as when your DS starts school you’ll never get time at home with him - perhaps eow and one weeknight).

[PizzaAndChips]

DH has 2 DC from previous relationship. We operate 50/50 split and have done so for years (Monday, Wednesday, alternate weekends for the mother - Tuesday, Thursday, alternate weekends for DH). This means DC see both parents most weekdays and then weekends don't solely belong to one parent. Youngest DC was 4 when this arrangement begun and it meant everyone knew when who was where - routine works by all accounts.

DH was main carer when in previous relationship but now both mother and father have equal share. I think it's helped to have both parents involved in this situation.

[kshaw]

I know someone that does Monday Tuesday with her, Wednesday Thursday with ex then they have fri sat sun with one then next weekend with other. Works well for them

[PizzaAndChips]

Sorry I posted too soon - kids' bedtime.

There are clearly many different ways you can work things - whether it's a 50/50 split or otherwise - but what is a factor in all arrangements seems to be that they have consistency in the routine. So long as you can work an agreement between the two of you, with the child's best interests at the centre of it all, it can (and hopefully will) work.

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

When we eventually settled dc arrangements in court, my barrister suggested blocks of time was better for the dc.. Had been seeing them nearly every day but no chance for a routine of any real quality time.

[throwawayagain]

We do 50/50.
My DCs are dropped off every Saturday in the evening. They return to me on a Tuesday evening week 1, and Weds evening week 2.
It works fine in blocks. Odd days would be weird.

[expatinscotland]

50/50 is quite common in the US. It's usually alternate weeks, though, NOT days.

[Walkingdeadfangirl]

Alternate weeks is quite good. Not so sure of every other day, no experience of that, sounds a bit complicated.

[Rainbowglow]

I have a 50/50 arrangement. However we are fortunate insofar as we have been able to afford 3 homes. The kids remain in what was the family home and my ex and I stay there on our allotted days. The home will be sold next year when DD has sat her exams and then we will do alternate weeks with kids. We separated a few years ago. Now divorced. It took a long while to sort this out but we wanted the kids to have a permanent base and it has by and large worked. I think expecting kids to move homes every other day is unreasonable and stressful for them. A week on and a week off may be an option. Just keep communicating with your ex and hopefully you will work something out.

[2boysDad]

Your son is very lucky to have two parents who care about him

I can't see that schedule working however. Moving every other day sounds like a recipe for disaster. The link below gives helpful suggestions for how to make 50/50 parenting work including some example schedules. Why not use these as a basis for discussions with your ex?

www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/50-50/

Good luck.

[Whatiwishfor]

Avoid a precedence being set if its not something you agree with. As if it happened to go to court they will look at whats happening atm (if that makes seance)

[somuchbetter]

We have a 35 dad-65 % mum arrangement for a 7 and 9 year old, even though 50-50 was asked. Not a hands on dad who prior to break-up so I did not agree with 50-50, . Fairly common arrangement and the law has backtracked on the 50-50 presumption because it really only works best for kids when parents agree and feel comfortable with the arrangements, live close to each other and have a good relationship.
Trust your instincts, if you feel your son would benefit from this then go with it if not then don't. As previous posts have iterated, work out a more compact timing, the constant moving to and fro could be a nightmare for a child. Also, try to think long term too, once made, arrangements can't easily be changed.

[Jonnyg]

Assuming it’s practical for both parents, ie they both have the time, and they live close by would the 50:50 option (maybe alternate weeks) be the starting point of negotiations or the preferred option for the authorities ?