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(14 Posts)
ladywoowoo Sun 10-Jun-18 16:22:53

Looking for advice as I am separating from my P and as we are not married and we jointly own the house he is refusing to leave. We have 2 very small children (toddler and baby).

He refuses to leave because he is afraid of losing any parental rights, especially as regards the toddler. He looked after the toddler while I worked 4 days and helps a lot now because we have a new baby. I fear he sees himself as primary carer, even though I am currently on maternity.

However, he is also saying we should sell and split the equity, however it is not in my interests to do so as I cannot afford to buy for myself and 2 DCs on my current budget.

This means I am stuck with him and have nowhere to go.

He maintains that I am to blame for the split however he turned abusive after the first child was born and withdrew affection and emotional support throughout the second pregnancy. He drags up the past to justify his current position but I understand that you cannot cause a person to become abusive. He is very clever, knows all his rights and thinks he is blameless. I do not care who's to blame so much as want what is best for the children. Living as we are indefinitely is not it. He is utterly stubborn and sees me as just a vessel who brought his children into this world and that is all. He sees himself as equal to me as the mother and equally entitled to family home etc. He doesn't like me breastfeeding as this increases the DCs dependence on me. Every point I make he copies and mirrors.

I suspect he has a porn addiction also.

Can anybody advise me with regards to my best interests in this situation?

OP’s posts: |
SusanDelfino Sun 10-Jun-18 16:40:52

Could you pay the mortgage on your own if he did move out?

ladywoowoo Sun 10-Jun-18 16:56:26

Yes if I was able to claim full benefits after separating our finances.

I would not be able to do this is I rented because rent would be much more than my current mortgage payment and the capital from the house sale would prevent me from claiming benefits.

For the sake of my children I would rather stay on the property ladder if possible.

OP’s posts: |
SusanDelfino Sun 10-Jun-18 18:13:11

But bear in mind you can't claim towards housing costs if you have a mortgage, only if you rent. Would you be able to pay your partner off? Since you aren't married I think it would be harder for you to stay in the property of he wangs to sell. Get legal advice as soon as you can.

rainingcatsanddog Sun 10-Jun-18 18:22:02

Is he on his toddler's birth certificate? Then he has parental rights. Can you work on a parenting agreement so he knows how much he can see dc?

"He sees himself as equal to me as the mother and equally entitled to family home etc" Sometimes the mum doesn't get more than 50%. You need legal advice about this.

You don't have to stop breastfeeding. That's him being purely abusive. The porn addiction only matters if he's showing it to the kids or something.

UK divorce law is no-fault. It doesn't matter who ended things or "misbehaved"

Calvinlookingforhobbs Sun 10-Jun-18 22:16:37

Have you sought legal advice? You both need to agree the date of separation and get it noted and start legal discussion.

SusanDelfino Sun 10-Jun-18 22:35:54

They aren't married though so divorce law is irrelevant. It's only a question of splitting assets fairly.

Shmithecat Mon 11-Jun-18 13:19:54

If he's on the children's birth certificates, he already has parental responsibility - not rights, there are no such thing. Was he the sahp whilst you worked before this current maternity leave?

risottoforone Mon 11-Jun-18 15:14:13

He worked part time including weekends, ad hoc. I worked 4 days but one day from home, so he wasn't exactly a sahd but not far off. I plan to go back 3 days this time.

Shmithecat Mon 11-Jun-18 18:30:05

I'm not a lawyer and could be totally wrong but Schedule One of the Children's Act could be useful in your situation. Prepared to be corrected by someone in the know though. Maybe a free half hour consultation with a solicitor would be of help.

ladywoowoo Mon 11-Jun-18 20:13:55

Thank you SusanDelfino and Shmithecat for pointing me in the right direction.

Will do a bit of research before my solicitor appointment later this month, you've helped me to think it through with a cooler head.

OP’s posts: |
ladywoowoo Mon 11-Jun-18 20:15:16

Thank you too rainingcatsanddog and Calvinlookingforhobbs: it's all useful right now.

OP’s posts: |
Calvinlookingforhobbs Mon 11-Jun-18 22:35:05

Also please try to remember that although renting doesn’t feel like a good choice, you have one life and you can’t spend it in a toxic environment for your sake, or your kids. I know it’s hard but you’re under a lot of emotional pressure right now. Try, try to not have too many deadly fixed ideas or you will go round in circles.

lifebegins50 Mon 11-Jun-18 23:09:50

How would you feel about 50:50 children arrangements? If he has been doing 4 days and worked p/time it is likely that 50:50 is proposed although how will he fund himself post separation?

Can you remortgage on your salary to pay him off as ultimately it might come down to whoever can access sufficient mortgage stays in the house.
Is there any family that could help?

I appreciate its a tough situation especially as you have a young child.

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