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(31 Posts)
backwardsbaseballcap Sat 09-Jun-18 15:02:38

ExH and I split up just over 2 years ago whilst I was still pregnant. Courts have never been involved we've always managed to do everything amicably between us regarding property, maintenance and contact.

ExH has very recently told me that he will no longer be able to pay for the property DS and I live in (he was contributing towards the mortgage and I paid everything else - shared ownership apartment) from November (so last contributions will be October) and that we need to get divorced.

Whilst I always knew this was coming and actually had bought up divorce when we separated but he shut it down it still came as a bit of a shock, and panic as in what am I going to do where are we going to live. He says that we need to go through courts & solicitors etc to get divorce finalised, the flat and all aspects of DS sorted. He also currently helps pay towards DS Nursery fees (he pays half a day I pay the other day and a half) and as I'm guessing he says he'll be skint he won't be able to pay this either.

I know that he has been paying all he should and probably a lot more than required which I've appreciated but it doesn't stop me panicking about what will happen when all of that stops. Anyone got any advice/help please?!

backwardsbaseballcap Sat 09-Jun-18 17:02:20


SusanDelfino Sat 09-Jun-18 18:34:08

I'm not sure what you're looking for . You're situation isn't clear at all. Who earns what, assets , who has the child who often, all of this will have an impact on the settlement. Sounds like he's been paying more than he had to so far. Have you used the online childcare maintenance calculator?

HappyHedgehog247 Sat 09-Jun-18 18:39:31

He still needs to pay for your son. You only need to go to court if you can’t agree. You will likely both have to go to mediation together first. The online calculator may give you an idea of what you might get, it depends on his income and how much your son will be staying with him.

lifebegins50 Sat 09-Jun-18 20:09:28

A court is needed for ending the marriage, as in you apply for divorce but you can agree finances between you.Some people do a diy divorce but most use a solicitor.

Do you know his income? What does he pay now in total vs cms standard rate? Could you remortgage on your own salary?
How has his tone changed, does he have a new partner?

backwardsbaseballcap Sat 09-Jun-18 22:41:34

To answer some questions sorry it wasn't clear in my op. DS is with me full time, I work part time 3 days a week he is in Nursery for the other 2 days and my mum has him the 3rd morning and ExH has him 3rd afternoon. His total contact for the week atm totals about 3-4 hours. I've offered more he's always had an excuse why he can't. Currently no overnights he's never had him more than 5 hours by himself. He pays half the mortgage still, I suggested selling the property when we split, he said no e wanted to provide a roof over DSs head. He has had a new partner for almost a year. His current situation is he lives with family but they're moving and say they won't be able to accommodate him when they do so he has to find somewhere to live. Child maintenance is pretty much where it should be as he pays for some of Nursery too. All offered by him. He says at the end of the year when the moves happen he'll be unable to pay for anything more than standard child maintenance. I can't afford mortgage and rent and all bills by myself being part time. Guessing I'll just wonder what will happen financially from then

backwardsbaseballcap Sat 09-Jun-18 22:42:29

I don't know his exact salary he has form for compulsive lying

Wallywobbles Sat 09-Jun-18 22:44:52

Do you have room for a lodger?

I think you need to look at all the figures so outgoings vs nursery costs vs working more hours vs entitlements.

HeddaGarbled Sat 09-Jun-18 22:47:55

You’ll probably have to sell the house and downsize. You will get a bigger chunk of the equity because you are primary carer and because you have a lower income. How much bigger a chunk is up for negotiation. Don’t forget you’re entitled to a share of his pension as well. Some people offset the house against the pension, so she gets all the equity in the house, he keeps all the pension.

backwardsbaseballcap Sat 09-Jun-18 22:50:38

We are in a 2 bed atm I'm in one room ds in another and subletting is not allowed. It's shared ownership. @HeddaGarbled how will I be able to downsize tho I'll never be able to buy or rent on my own on a part time income? I earn approx £9,000 a year maximum.

I get tax credits and child benefit which make life liveable but adjusting my working hours makes very little difference because what I earn in income gets taken away from tax credits and vice versa - have recently changed jobs and hours and discovered this!

HeddaGarbled Sat 09-Jun-18 22:57:00

I think you probably need to get some legal advice. The housing needs of the child will always take priority in any legal and financial settlement on divorce.

backwardsbaseballcap Sat 09-Jun-18 23:09:46

@HeddaGarbled thank you. Yes I know legal advice is needed it's just a little overwhelming as we've managed to come this far without any intervention of courts solicitors etc! My main worry is that if we lose this property we will be homeless with nowhere to go - but I won't get help with housing as I'll come away with some money from the property but it won't be enough to get anywhere else as I said no one will rent to me or whatever cause I don't earn enough. That's if I agree to sell, otherwise he will just stop paying and I'll still be screwed!!! sad

lifebegins50 Sat 09-Jun-18 23:14:21

First step will be mediation and at that stage you could ask for his p60.

He doesn't have to show it but a good mediator will try to get balance.

How old are you both? You maybe able to get more equity but if SO was equity low you know the numbers involved.

I think it would be worth seeing CAB for advice on benefits.
If your ex applies for divorce he will pay those costs but mediation is usually shared.

Is there a chance in a few years you can increase your income when dc starts school or when free hours kick in.
It maybe with your income and cms you can get a mortgage but it obviously depends on how much is required.

Ideally its best to avoid solicitors and court but you need advice so worth seeing some solicitors for advice initially.

I'm sorry you are going through it as worrying time but trust you will be ok in the end.
I guess you will need to know what it will cost to take over the mortgage and if that is possible.Then you will be in a position to know what your ex needs to pay...assuming it's above cms rate.
If you can estimate his earnings then you can use the online cms calculator.

HeddaGarbled Sat 09-Jun-18 23:18:25

Bless you, of course you’re worried. While his name is still on the mortgage, he would be foolish to just stop paying. If the mortgage goes into arrears, that will affect his ability to get another mortgage or credit in the future. That will change once you are divorced and a financial settlement agreed but it could buy you some time.

backwardsbaseballcap Sat 09-Jun-18 23:30:52

He only mentioned it recently so I have no idea what his plans are. He claims poverty because I "take all his money" even tho he offered all the things he pays for atm but is still able to afford everything, plus a very variable social life! I am 26, him 27. I don't think it's probably even occurred to him that it all needs paying for! It's all very well saying oh let's get divorced etc yeah ok great who's gonna pay for that then?! Ha.

SusanDelfino Sun 10-Jun-18 02:53:34

Looking at your young ages I expect a court would fully expect you to become self sufficient and I'm guessing there won't be much house and pension equity? Must also have been a short marriage with not much career sacrifice on your part so I think you need to prepare to look at what you'll do with half of the assets, child maintenance, your wages plus any benefits you'll be entitled to. I know it sounds scary but I reckon you'll be expected to stand on your own feet given given what you've said. Do get legal advice but if assets are small I'd try to avoid court as that would use up most of the money anyway.

backwardsbaseballcap Tue 12-Jun-18 18:08:00

I had to go part time obviously to do childcare. But no other sacrifices really I guess.

Is there a way he can literally refuse to pay anything?? He claims poverty every few weeks even though I know this isn't the case. I'd be screwed if he did that!

mrsm43s Tue 12-Jun-18 18:30:04

Honestly, the most likely outcome is a split of the assets/pension (quite possibly in your favour as the main carer), and he pays you child support as per the CMS rules.

In addition to whatever he gives you, you will have your wages and any benefits that you will be entitled to.

On an ongoing basis, he won't be expected to subsidise your lifestyle. Also he needs funds to be able to house himself and provide for himself too. He will be required to pay child maintenance in line with the CMS as he has a responsibility to pay towards his child, and that is the government guideline for the acceptable amount.

It's a sad fact that after a divorce/split, most people do have to accept a drop in their standard of living- because the same amount of money that used to support one household has to stretch across two households.

I'm sure you will be fine. Your son must be coming up 3 now? So you will shortly get help with childcare which might allow you to work extra hours, plus it's only a couple of years til your son will be at school and you can go back to full time work, with just wrap around and holiday care to pay. In the interim, you will have the equity from the house, plus benefits (housing/child/tax credits) to help you get by.

backwardsbaseballcap Tue 12-Jun-18 18:34:18

@mrsm43s ds is 18 months. From what I understand, ExH wants to sell the flat to get the money out of it for him moving forward - which as you said, I do understand that he needs to be able to fund his own home/life. However, he has a full time job it's regular overtime (so he tells me) and a second job so isn't short of money. If we sell the property I will have nowhere to go reasons stated above. I'm unsure wether I'll qualify for funded hours for DS when he is 2 as I think single parents get a set amount of hours at that age under certain circumstances

mrsm43s Tue 12-Jun-18 18:39:44

If you sell the property, you will get housing benefit to help you to rent.

That said, most likely you will get the lion's share of any equity in the settlement, so he may well not be able to buy another property. It's reasonably likely that you will both have to rent.

backwardsbaseballcap Tue 12-Jun-18 18:40:47

I want to make clear too that I am in no way expecting him to subsidise my lifestyle, or pay way over the odds. As stated previously he offered all former extra payments for other aspects related to DS which I appreciate. I'm just worrying how him suddenly cutting off all those payments will affect me being able to pay full mortgage, full rent, bills, childcare costs etc which up until now he had contributed to

backwardsbaseballcap Tue 12-Jun-18 18:46:50

I currently get a little housing benefit to help with the rent side of the property (shared ownership) but not loads.

Being in receipt of benefits already tho means I am not favourable for rent. Loads of properties I've looked at say no dss/benefits etc. Landlords don't like benefits. If the property sold, I'd also come away with a (fairly small) chunk of money, which would help for a couple of months but also means my benefits would probably stop & doesn't help the renting front, where I'm a part time worker on benefits I don't earn enough to rent in the landlords/letting agents eyes

mrsm43s Wed 13-Jun-18 09:44:34

TBH, the chunk of equity could probably be used to pay 6 months or 1 year rent up front, which would make you quite attractive to landlords.

It is a difficult situation, but many parents (single or otherwise) have benefit top ups and rent and/or bring up children on a low income.

I think you are panicking, and are thinking that he needs to keep paying you the money otherwise you can't manage - but I think you will. You may have to lower your standard of living somewhat, and you might have to be more reliant on benefits than you'd like for a short while, but sadly that's the reality of splitting up - he no longer has a responsibility to support you (obviously a responsibility to contribute towards your shared child, but that is generally legally covered by the CMS level contribution). Remember as well as HB to cover some or all rent, WTC will cover most of your childcare costs, CTC and CB, Child maintenance and your wage will give you money for bills and day to day living expenses.

The good news is that it is really only a few years until you will be able to go back to work full time, when your reliance on benefits will reduce, and you will be able to progress your career and improve your standard of living. It will be fine, you will get plenty of financial help in the interim, just from benefits rather than a partner.

elephantscanring Wed 13-Jun-18 09:47:47

as we've managed to come this far without any intervention of courts solicitors etc

But you haven't actually managed to resolve anything, have you?

Work out all your assets, including savings and pensions. And also work out your monthly living costs.

See a solicitor. Go through CMS if necessary.

backwardsbaseballcap Thu 14-Jun-18 11:08:36

Thank you for responses. He's coming over tonight so we can have a clear talk about what he wants to happen, and some realities. I am fairly sure he expects to just sell the flat (immediately which might not happen anyway) and have everything done as completed hands dusted within 2 months. I also don't think he realises whatever we do will have to be paid for. I have probably about £300 in savings and that's it. He is always claiming e has no money so I'm not really sure what his expectations are. I will update tonight once he has been and we've talked if anyone is interested!!

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