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Divorcing for over a year and no end in sight, husband won't move out

(24 Posts)
vdanci31 Tue 05-Jun-18 12:52:46

I will try to be as brief as possible!
We separated over a year ago and my (still) husband refuses to move out. Things are awful in the house. He put up cameras and microphones to record me and is generally making life very difficult for me and children. He spends no time with them at all, after work he goes to our room and drinks all night. I am sleeping on the floor downstairs in dining room. He says I can carry on sleeping with him, what's the problem.
He lies about every single paper I have needed him to provide and as such my legal costs are about £4000 so far. I'm looking at around £12,000 by the time it all ends. I have been trying to get his pension statement since September. We are due the FDA at the end of this month, we have formally exchanged Form Es and his is pathetic, no up to date bank statements and, again, no pension statement.
We have a large amount of debt in each our names, but I am managing mine really well. He claims this is the reason the house must be sold and I must move out with the kids, even though financially I would be very squeezed as mortgage is cheaper than the rent around here.
He is paying of minimums on his debt, giving me as little as possible each month, nothing towards repairs of house, kids' essentials etc. The rest of his wage goes on bars and basically travelling around visiting friends over weekends, doing what he likes.
He has said he will not move out until house is sold. But then he doesn't file papers on time, so he obviously is in no hurry and thinks our awful co-existence in the same house is acceptable. I have overheard him speaking to his relatives and bragging how he is bringing me to my knees and how he just winds me up deliberately etc. Our children are 13 and 10, one autistic. His Mum is paying all his legal fees, so he does not care about how long things last. She also provides him with a basic monthly allowance, which he hasn't disclosed.
I am almost crumbling here. I can't even move out as I can't afford it and it would obviously mean he would just stay in the house as long as he wants to anyway, so I think it would make things even slower.

Are there any of you out there who have been in a similar situation? I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. The kids are upset, I am upset. We are living in this house of misery and I can't take it for much longer. My lawyer says with the FDA being end of June, we are probably looking at the trial towards the end of the year. He has stipulated to me that he will not negotiate on anything and wants a full trial, because Mum is paying. I have no money left and he knows it.
Thank you to anyone out there who can give a little advice...

OP’s posts: |
MarieG10 Tue 05-Jun-18 15:04:25

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you, but if he is intent on going all the way to a full trial, I just cannot see how you will restrict costs to £12,000 unless you choose to represent yourself. Once you are into Barristers the costs are horrifying and in reality are the preserve of the rich which clearly you are not.

I know it is awful, and what he is doing amounts to domestic abuse. Is there any option to try and have him removed from the house due to his harassment (surveillance is) or for your own sanity move out as it sounds like unless you have a lot of equity in the house there won't be any left anyway.

HelpTheTigers Tue 05-Jun-18 17:29:42

Sorry OP, I have no advice to offer but I didn't want to read and run.

I hope that you get the help and support that you need from any source that is available and I am really sorry that you are having to go through this. He is a complete shit.
flowers flowers flowers

tremendous Tue 05-Jun-18 18:02:48

I honk you should contact woman's aid and see if they can help you.

YoucancallmeVal Wed 06-Jun-18 00:49:09

I was in exactly the same position. My xh would not move. We had separate rooms and he brought his gf back! It was utterly horrendous. I eventually caved and moved out with dc - the house had to be sold as part of the divorce so I was literally on my knees financially by the time it did. Be brave and keep going, you sound like you are getting there legally. It really is unbearable and you have all my sympathy.

vdanci31 Wed 06-Jun-18 12:54:13

Thanks for all your messages, they are much appreciated. What I really need to know is, how likely is the judge going to leave me and the kids in the house? If I knew this, at least I would know if there was a point waiting another six months. But it seems so risky, I can't seem to understand whether he would just order a sale, even though that would be the worst option for me and kids.

OP’s posts: |
Pippylou Wed 06-Jun-18 12:58:41

Not much I can add except I would contact Women's Aid as the camera thing is abusive.

Bear in mind, rents are higher but no unexpected repair shocks (good landlord obv & ask about security, so not somewhere they are likely to sell) so ask yourself, is this misery justified? I'd probably just go and get some peace and quiet somewhere else, much as it would pain me...

Pippylou Wed 06-Jun-18 13:01:54

But then he might just stay in the house, nightmare. Defo need more support and advice, I think. Have you told the solicitor? I'd be putting rockets under them.

I'd also be hoicking him out of his room at every opportunity...much as I expect you don't want to see him.

vdanci31 Wed 06-Jun-18 15:34:51

Hi Pippylou,
I went to police and filed emotional abuse charges, they never even spoke to him. The police said the filming was not illegal. I filed an occupational order at their advice, but then I had to withdraw it as it became so expensive.
I've tried to call Women's Aid and, honestly, about 100 times and they never answer the phone!
Sorry to be so negative and thanks so much for taking the time for me...
What do you mean by getting him out of his room at every opportunity?

OP’s posts: |
Blossom5 Wed 27-Jun-18 21:22:55

I had the same.he filmed me walked round naked made comments at me in front of the children. I moved to my mum's I coysknt take it any longer he is still in the house will not move out we have financial hearing in sep but will take 3 hearings it seems so may be March ! He pays me no money but I've applied to cma why I didn't do it before is beyond me... He is now having all these local.mums and kids in the house he used to live there like it was a hovel or hotel now he is watering flowers ! It's all a show. My eldest daughter won't see him she is 11 so she is with me full time. He applied for custody even tho I'm a full time mum for 12 years I had to have a cafcas call to say why I'm a good mum...... I have no money bar tax credits which go like quick sand on the kids. I can only say go via the courts it's the only faster and absolute way. I didn't get legal aid but my court fees are paid still I've spent 3k and achieved nothing. Everyone said don't move out as he will claim the house but I really hope he Doesnt and I moved at Xmas and he told cafcas I was still there at March in part of another lie so this suits me actually I can say I left in June. He has a really big salary so I really hope the judge help me.

Blossom5 Wed 27-Jun-18 21:23:24

I also filled an occupation order but then pulled out as too expensive

opheliatickle Thu 28-Jun-18 06:37:09

Keep trying to get hold of women's aid. The filming may not be illegal but it is definitely harassment and could be grounds for a non molestation order to get him out.
You can apply for one of these yourself, as well as an occupation order. The forms are there to download on but you might get some support from your local women's aid branch or domestic violence charity in filling them out// getting legal aid.

NameWithChamge Thu 28-Jun-18 16:48:03

This makes me SO angry. My EH did it to me and it is financial and emotional abuse and the stupid system that we have at the moment allows it - and you and the children suffer all the while.

Mine is over now. It was 2 years of pure hell and I now have an almost totally destroyed teenager who had to live through watching me fall apart and the prospect of losing his home.

Basically my EH played most of the same tricks but I just plodded on with the system. In the meantime while waiting for Court dates etc he spent an inheritance of over £30k that he had received when we were together and had hidden from me. So he just bought his debts to the table in court - and caused my debts to be enormous with his financial abuse.

The court started at 50/50 re the house (despite the fact I had bought it and put ALL the money in.)

He tried everything to force us out of my home. He failed - but only because my family helped financially. He ended up with about 20% and I had to take on a lot of 'joint' debts. But I am free.

The carnage he has left in my family and the damage done to my children is immense.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Remember you can see different solicitors for free half hour meetings - a friend of mine did that 3 or 4 times to keep her costs down and then represented herself. You can also ask clear questions in legal on here or google.

Ultimately you need shot of this tosser and to get on with your life. You will get there.

Singlenotsingle Thu 28-Jun-18 17:00:21

There comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough. What exactly is the trial for? Is it a defended divorce or is it simply over the financial assets?
If you're working, can't you just use your money on renting somewhere? Or don't you earn enough? Obvs you wouldn't be paying anything in towards the matrimonial home

vdanci31 Thu 28-Jun-18 18:43:07

I am so grateful for all your messages. This morning I again spent the whole morning talking to estate agents looking for a place and it's not looking that good.
Even if I found money for a deposit, i have bad credit rating, no permanent job, am on benefits with two kids and dog! They would want a guarantor, they said, and then it is up to landlord to see if he wants someone like me over someone much simpler. Most of them said no straight out dog. They were out of my price range anyway, but I am trying to stay in the area.
Last night the kids asked the dad if he would let us go on holiday abroad as usual to see my parents, they've done it aince they were born. As usual, he was drunk, didn't even look at them, but just stared inyo his mobile and kept on saying "speak to my lawyer". My eldest got himself all pumped up to speak to him and I just watched him crumble in front of me.
I broke down and sent the kids away and the man just started laughing at me. I got so vexed then, I had to hold myself down not to kill him there and then, but all I did was take the duvet covers off him a few times, telling him what a sorry piece of sh he was , while he just grinned at me.
I am not well anymore.

OP’s posts: |
MiniAlphaBravo Thu 28-Jun-18 18:52:58

This sounds horrendous op!! Really feel for you. How can this be right? Sorry i don’t have any advice but didn’t want to read and run. Do you have anyone who can help you? Friends or family? Can you go through his documents while he’s out and find this pension statement?

His mum sounds like a piece of work too, paying to put you and your kids through this shit. Certainly wouldn’t let her near my kids ever again.

mummmy2017 Thu 28-Jun-18 18:57:54

I hope he sees you typing and thinks you have someone... Buy yourself some flowers and tell him MYOB if he comments...
Also play ABBA loud and sing along.. Music really will lift your spirits

vdanci31 Thu 28-Jun-18 19:25:25

A few days ago his lawyer wrote and said that due to an oversight his pension statement was available all along. Now he is submitting it.

I think they are playing with my head. I have been waiting for it since September.

OP’s posts: |
GreatThingsWork Thu 28-Jun-18 19:48:28

Try women's aid again they never answer the phone but always respond to messages. They will not speak to you if your H is in the house. You can leave a message and specify a time and they can usually call back then.

vdanci31 Thu 28-Jun-18 20:40:24

Ok, greatthings, thanks for the tip on women's aid, i will message them. Gosh, there are a lot of us in the same boat
..i cant believe it

OP’s posts: |
Xenia Thu 28-Jun-18 21:24:20

He sounds awful. My ex would not move out until the final consent order ( we didnt have court hearings or Fomr Es as we knew everything and everything was joint). I could afford to buy him out from the house and he could not afford to buy me out. Therefore when it was all done he had to leave. It was not a pleasant 7 months but without court hearings that is the time it took and he accepted he did not have the income to take on the mortgage but I did.

It sounds to me right that you aim to stay in the house with the children and that he leaves. The court will want to know if you can afford to keep the house on. You have probably done all this already but deduct both your debts from all your assets/equity in the house. Does that leave anything? Then look at what a 50/50 split of that would mean and if you can afford to buy him out and if the mortgage company would let you take over the mortgage perhaps with one of your parents as guarantor. If not even so you still might get to stay as he may have to stay as owner and on the loan until the youngest child is 18 or you remarry if he earns more than you - so things like which of you earns the most matters. If he earns a lot more than you might get more than 50% of the net assets.

Try to ignore the stupid recording you stuff if you can. As it's your house too presumably you are allowed to put covers over the front of his cameras without damaging the cameras.

NameWithChamge Fri 29-Jun-18 00:14:37

Sometimes I found it easier to look at it as w game, less personal.

There are hoops that need to be jumped through. His solicitors will have done this all zillions of times and of course will be giving him tried and tested advice.

Right now, in your position, I would make loads of plans to look forward to, drinks out with girls, or just coffee in the day, cinema, join a gym etc (actually the Gym saved my life physically as this really takes it's toll on you physically as well as mentally.

Be kind to yourself. I practised some mindfulness to get some control of the anxiety (there are free apps you can get).

Ultimately, if you can, rise above his shit. Don't let him see he is getting to you. Keep your eyes in the end goal when you will finally be free - it will happen. One day at a time, don't let the future and all the scary shit derail you, work on happiness for each day, one at a time.

You can do this 🍹

mummmy2017 Fri 29-Jun-18 06:57:00

Oh as to the cameras, find the plug and turn them off. EVERYTIME you walk past...

RoseMartha Sun 01-Jul-18 21:25:25

Sending a virtual hug I have been sleeping on the floor in another room for months too. He wouldn't move out the bed and one of us had to as I didn't feel it was right to carry on using the same bed. He now won't move out the house either even though my solicitor asked him to I can't afford to go to court to get him out and we are in this horrid limbo . I am still waiting for the petition to be sent to court. Hold up his end with him not co operating and going back on what he initially agreed. If it's going to be like this for decree nisi I am dreading how long it's going to take until absolute.

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