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How to answer the ‘why’ question?

(14 Posts)
NC4Now Sun 03-Jun-18 22:25:07

We’ll be moving out of the family home shortly. Doing fairly well at keeping it amicable but my youngest is taking it badly.

He keeps asking why we have to split up.

I’ve told him we’re not working as a family, that it’s always me and the DCs doing family things together etc.

He just keeps asking why we can’t just make it work.

Truth is, DH doesn’t want to anymore - he tried to do the family thing when he met us but it hasn’t worked out. I’ve tried to get him to change but it’s ultimately unfair to ask someone to be someone they aren’t.
I don’t want to blame him. DS adores him.

Any idea how to help him? He’s 12.

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anotherfail Sun 03-Jun-18 22:35:21

Sorry to hear your youngest is struggling. Assume he has an elder DB or DC. Could they maybe help to sit down with you and help allay his fears. Kind of like an open discussion about how we all feel. He’s an age where he has some emotional maturity so maybe treating him in a more grown up way might help him to express himself?
Saying all that, I only have girls and I know boys communicate differently so feel free to ignore me.
Sympathy tho. I think it’s a tricky age, girl or boy.

SodTheGreenfly Sun 03-Jun-18 22:39:14

Tricky to answer as the product of a broken home. I remember thinking they shpuld just get on with it.

Why did you let your dh move in kf you weren't sure?

Timeissliplingaway Sun 03-Jun-18 22:44:06

Aw OP my heart broke a little when I read that.
If he is 12 then he would probably rather just have the truth.
Is DH your DS father? Will he still keep contact if he's not?

NC4Now Sun 03-Jun-18 22:49:08

Yes, there’s an older brother who is really stepping up.

I really was sure Sodthegreenfly. We’ve been married a long time in the scheme of things.

Sadly families change and I’ve had to choose between DH and my children - in particular the older one. It’s become very toxic. It’s just my youngest knows no different.

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NC4Now Sun 03-Jun-18 22:51:20

No, he’s not his dad but his dad left when he was a baby so he has never really lived with him.
He says he’ll keep in touch if he wants to.

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NC4Now Sun 03-Jun-18 22:54:15

I don’t know if it’s relevant but DS has HFA. He copes ok mostly, goes to mainstream school, has friends etc but he’s always found transitions difficult.

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Timeissliplingaway Sun 03-Jun-18 23:08:07

I'm so sorry OP this must be so difficult for you. HFA probably is making it harder for your DS. Hopefully someone here will have some good advice.

anotherfail Sun 03-Jun-18 23:10:53

Sorry I’d missed that your partner is not his F. I’m sorry, this must be so difficult. Please don’t feel bad though. We all enter into these things with the best intentions. How were you to know?
You still have your family unit intact tho... you and your sons...
not saying It’s easy and no experience of hfa. Just trying to show my support.

NC4Now Sun 03-Jun-18 23:19:16

Thanks anotherfail.

I know we’ll be ok. We’re a solid little team really. I just wish DS could see.

We just need to move and get settled.

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NC4Now Sun 03-Jun-18 23:20:56

And thanks Time.

I really appreciate the support from everyone.

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anotherfail Sun 03-Jun-18 23:39:42

The moving on is the hardest bit I think. I was lucky, in that my exH moved out, but you can do this. Focus your energy into getting you and your boys somewhere else. Then you can regroup. You sound lovely and you can do this.

Pippioddstocking Sun 03-Jun-18 23:48:14

NC4Now , are you me?! I could have written your post even down to the HF ASD DS!
We told the children last week , family home just on the market .
No answer to the " why " question , just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in all of this .
Sending you a huge hug.

NC4Now Mon 04-Jun-18 19:01:07

Ahh Pippy, sorry to hear you’re in the same boat.
It’s just me and DS this evening. DH is on a late shift and my oldest is staying at their nan’s because the trains are cancelled.

We’ve just been looking at things for his new bedroom and now he’s gone to the shop to get biscuits so we can have a cuppa and watch Corrie together. Simple pleasures!

He seems to be finding happy in amongst the sad.

We’ll get there....

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