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Affair with his boss. It's over. What happens now?(10 Posts)
First time posting from a long timer reader. Seeking advice from outside my very protective circle.
Husband has cheated. With his boss. He has a daughter who we have about half the time. We have a house together and let some of our spare rooms to lodgers who we love having around. Who stays in the house now it's over.
We met 6 years ago. He moved into my house. House was bought as a project by me, done up by my dad but husband and I decided to live there instead promising my dad to pay him when we sold - this was agreed. Dated for 18 months when I found out he was sighed up to dating and hook up sites. Originally I left, because of his daughter. Friends told me he should leave, so he did and rented a place round the corner.
6 months pass and we become close again, getting back together. He moves back in with me. He is talking one day about people he used to work with and I ask him whether anything has happened with a certain women. He said it had, he was having a sexual affair when we spilt up. My world fell apart. I felt like I'd been tricked into being with him again but I loved him so much.
Some time passes and we work on things. Things do get better but there are always little niggles, always around work colleagues. He confesses to kissing a secretary when we very first met and sexting another woman when we were getting back together. We move on. Sell my house and buy a house together - out forever home. The money we owe my dad still to be paid in (now) 2 years when we remortgage. Get engaged and married two years ago. Trying for a baby. He leaves a job in London and on his last day comes home blindly drunk and deletes all text history with his female boss. She continues to text him suspicious messages. He says it's nothing.
Stats a new job locally and moans about his female boss saying how uninspiring she is. I meet her at an event last year, they are huddled in the corner together while I look after my step-daughter. I didn't see her as a threat, overweight, middle aged with kids. In the last three months his work has become unstable with many changes going on in the business. He is high up and the potential to take more responsibility from his boss is bandied. In the meantime, a close family friend dies on my side. We had an almighty row and he decides not only not to come, but that he needs some space and checks into a hotel (not telling me where it is). This breaks me. He says he needs space.l to sort his head and I say we need to work though things.
He comes home, we talk, I ask us to see a councillor which he agrees to. We saw her for the first time last week and we agree it went well. Things start getting better, I feel like we are really working, the sex comes back, we are close and tuned in.
He works on his laptop every night, always has. His phone is in his pocket permanently. Two nights ago we were both working at home in the evening and I noice he opened a different page whenever he thought I couldn't see (it was reflected in the glass window behind him) couldn't see what it was. He picked a row that night over something stupid. Something made me check his phone when he went to the loo. Tonnes of messages between him and his boss. I take it and lock myself in the bathroom to read them. They've been having and affair for the last two months, secret work 'meetings'. Kisses in the office. 'Client' events. Dinners. Coffee at hotels. His messages to her a full on - what he wants to do to her. Hers are less confident. She's married with small children. She's been on holiday and apparently things with her husband are improving. They refer to us as he- and she-. They have a proper 'date' planned this afternoon.
I send the messages to myself so I can stay angry. I've let him back in before. I give him his phone back and ask if he's even sorry to which he shouts 'of course I'm sorry!' I ask for his wedding ring which he easy gives me. He refuses to leave the house that night. The next morning I leave him a note telling him to leave until Friday when I will move out. He has my step daughter this weekend (I already know he won't let me see her. I love her infinitely and he uses time - or not - with her as reward/punishment)
Fast forward to now. I'm lying in bed thinking, I don't want to move out. This is my house too and I want to stay. He fucked this up and he can go. On the other side, it's my step-daughters home and I would be taking that away from her if he moves out. IF he even would. Can I make him?
I'm totally torn, swinging between both. We can both afford to rent elsewhere. We couldn't buy each other out the house.
Sorry it's long. I'm so over tired, over cried, over emotional. My whole life was planned and mapped two days ago, generally things going well. Now it's turned on it's head and I am so, so lost.
Thank you for reading x
Oh god, it really is long. Sorry about that.
I haven't even reacted. We didn't speak all yesterday. I want to shout and scream at him. To email the whole company with pictures of their messages. To call her and shout at her. She joked in one of her messages to him that she was scared I'd turn up on her door step. She has contributed to the break up of my marriage, do I want her to suffer too? I don't know.
That all sounds so difficult. And very emotionally draining for you with all the shit you've put up with over the years.
Close the door on your relationship once and for all. This is not a healthy way to live. You deserve better. He sounds like a desperate attention seeking prize dick. You will never be enough for him because this is ingrained self absorbed behaviour.
Kick him out. You stay in the house for the time being and get it sold and start afresh.
Thank you for your reply. I am drained. I feel like I've been hit by a train this morning.
I think, when you are in these things, it just becomes your normal. Writing it out makes me see how bad this is. And that's only he highlights.
Writing it down always helps (to get perspective) and hurts (when you realise how much you've put up with) - IMHO. I'd be staying put, if I was you. His behaviour, his choices of actions have lead to this, not yours.
I agree. You wouldn't be depriving your dsd of anything. He has done that.
He's never going to change. He doesn't even want to does he?
I would resist letting him have anything to do with the house now, but I know you'll need legal advice. Get him out of the house and yes, I would turn up on her doorstep, too. I'm sick of people getting away with ruining other people's lives. Kick him out and sort her out.
I'm sorry for the stepdaughter, after her sex-obsessed father moves out. That'll be two mother's and two homes she's lost. How old is she? Maybe there's a case for her to stay with you? Otherwise yes, he should move out and the OW can keep the waste of space. I'd be packing his bags and dumping them at his workplace!
Thank you for your considered replies.
I'm absorbing all your advice. I'm broken. I feel like a former version of me.
How long co habiting and married as that determines if marriage short or medium.
If it's a short marriage and you are young your assets could be returned as at the start of marriage.
Can you find a way to pay back your dad now from mortgage or savings? as I think that could be lost if not a formal debt.
Don't talk to him yet about finances, keep your powder dry and work out what is possible.
Can you ask him to leave even on a temporary basis? His daughter is his concern however he does not have to leave the house.
You need to recover from the shock of the marriage ending, give yourself a few days, maybe book into somewhere nice and pamper yourself.
You will recover but it will take a while.He seems to be incapable of being faithful so long term you are well rid.
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