Standard of living post divorce

[SpaSushi]

My stbx will buy me out of the house, i will then buy something, somewhere. This is sort of agreed without going to court. Children will live 60:40 with me/him. Im finding it hard to reconcile that he will maintain the 'nice' house and standard of living and i will only be able to afford a smaller, much less nice house/ less nice area . I am getting more equity, but he earns a lot more though so can afford the bigger mortgage to keep house and buy me out. Aside from my own personal sorrow at this i worry the children will prefer time at dads due to better house etc. Does anyone else have experience of this - how did you come terms with it?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

Are you sure you're getting everything you're entitled to? Has maintenance been calculated?

Assuming 'yes', will you be working? If that's how he's maintaining the lifestyle then I guess it's only reasonable that's how you'd enhance your lifestyle?

I have every sympathy, my life post divorce has changed dramatically, much smaller home, much less disposable income. However I'm happy and life's a balance, I have chosen to stay in 4 days a week employment so that I can be there for DD on the 5th day, take her to school etc. Technically I could bring home more money but chose life instead.

[SpaSushi]

Getting maintenance for children, not me. And working yes. My solicitor says that if we took to court a judge is likely to say that i can afford something to house me and children with the higher equity division to me. They aren't obliged to make it so we both have same housing standard. I know this rationally, i guess i am just coming to terms emotionally myself with feeling like he's coming out of this without any change to his life and all the change us with me.

[mrssapphirebright]

I was in a similar situation as you OP. Divorced 6 years ago. There was enough equity on the house so we sold and split the equity in the house and both bought new properties. Two teen dc with a 60:40 spilt to me.

Exh is 12 years older than me and decided to semi retire post divorce. He decided not to re-mortgage but to start claiming part of his pension and bought a small 3 bed cottage outright.
I decided to re-mortgage and although I own a much bigger 4 bed detached, I am mortgages up til I am 65! Although I made this choice, I do sometimes feel enviable of his mortgage free part time working life. But I know there are times he is envious of my house / lifestyle (I can afford new cars / holidays etc – he can’t as has to live quite frugally) even though he knows I work my arse off for it.
We are amicable so can laugh about it really. I guess what I am saying is that I think it’s natural to feel like the ‘wronged’ party post-divorce and to think that the ex has it easy / better. The truth is often that its swings and roundabouts for both parties. Some things are better, some things are worse. And in mine and my exh’s case we have often envied the others life and felt that we had it worse off.

Starting again post-divorce is a bit like starting from scratch later in life, it is harder and there are often sacrifices to make. I think it’s fair to say that if exh and I had stayed together then we would both be better off financially. Even though it may seem he is coming out of it better, he won’t be, trust me. Even if he has the bigger house – that likely means he has more to shell out. And he will now be a one income household like you are. He will also be paying maintenance so will have that additional cost that he didn’t have before.

If I were you op I’d stop thinking about it as winners and losers and see that you have both lost things and both gained things post divorce. New start op. enjoy it and don’t be too hard on yourself.

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

An improvement on your mh is priceless.
I left with nowt, but I didn't have to share my life with a twat any longer - better than a posh house imo.

[SpaSushi]

Yes April... the non-twat life will be worth it! 😂

[SpaSushi]

Thanks mrssapphire. The rational part of me knows one thing, the emotional part has to catch up i think. I am hoping the children will be happy and feel it is 'home' wherever and whatever i end up in ; it would break my heart if they only thought his house was 'really' home.

[Phillipa12]

I now live in a 3 bed victorian terrace and drive a basic estate car, big change from the 5 bed detached in an acre of garden and the landrover, but im so much happier as are the dc, and we are financially comfortable, the other bits were materialistic, nice but not necessary. He still has a bigger house and car but then he also walks past his dcs bedrooms everynight and they are empty as he chose his career over having the dc more.

[mummmy2017]

Did you also get his pension take into account.? As bet it I worth loads....

[SpaSushi]

Mummy2017 ironically i had to give him pension as he earns more now but his income has been volatile over the years so he's not put much in, whilst I've been slow and steady and put more pension aside.

[mummmy2017]

What a shame. Over pensions.
But you should be ok as you will be your own boss with regards to your time.

[moodance]

I take my hat off to you @SpaSushi to state that CM is for the children and not for you.

Just from your post you sound very reasonable in your approach.., whilst ex might have a fancy house and car you will have your sanity and freedom.

I wish you well

[Lorry123]

SpaSushi - I am in the same boat and have to get my head around the fact that my children and I will be moving to a much smaller place in a different area while my ex and his OW are staying put and purchasing a bigger property - I feel like we are the poor relatives (esp as his first wive that he also dumped got a big house and a very healthy monthly amount after taking him to court)

BUT my new place is totally mine, I am now in control of my destiny, my finances are under my control and I have complete freedom from an abusive lying cheat - and you really can't put a price on that.

[JLbaby]

I was also in a similar situation last year. It was very hard to leave a lovely big 5 bed house and move to a small 3 bed terraces but like other people have said, you can't put a price on the freedom it gives you.

I also worried my dcs would prefer their 'old' house but I made it into a bit of an adventure for them and got them to choose their own bedroom furniture and choose their new bedroom decor etc

Good luck!

[SpaSushi]

I think getting the kids involved in decorating is a great idea. How did you decide which child gets the inevitably small 3rd bedroom?

[JLbaby]

Luckily our 3rd bedroom isn't much smaller than the second bedroom as the house had been extended. My dcs are fairly small, they were 2 and 4 (almost 5) when we split up and I bought the house, and my older dc desperately wanted a bunk bed so it was decided she'd have the bigger bedroom and the 2 year old would have the smaller one, on the condition that if/when she is old enough, she could share with her older sister on the bottom bunk at some point in the future.

[SpaSushi]

How do you change the sheets on a bunk ? Eldest would like that i think , so could have smaller room, but i don't know how id change the bedding 🤔

[JLbaby]

It's not too bad, the top bunk stands at about 150cm so not too high, but I do still have to climb up to put the sheet on!