Not married but separating

[MissMiss1]

We've been together for nearly 18years but never married
We have two children and live together
We're so letting up and I don't know what to do
Can anyone advise on what my rights are?

[expatinscotland]

You may not have very many as you're not married.

[PurpleWithRed]

Do you own property? Joint tenants or tenants in common?

[MissMiss1]

Our house is in his name, the only thing in my name is my car

[KirstenRaymonde]

Unfortunately if you’re not married you’re not entitled to anything really, maintenance for the children but not for you, you might be able to claim some stake in the house if you can prove you’ve paid towards it, but there’s no legal division of assets if unmarried.

[MissMiss1]

Oh great! So you give years of your life to a relationship and children but walk away with nothing
That's prob why he never pursued marriage

[expatinscotland]

'That's prob why he never pursued marriage'

Yep. And why it's never a good idea to compromise your career or earnings potential for an unmarried partnership unless you are independently wealthy.

[MissMiss1]

Think I'm going to have to go n see a solicitor, get some advise on what to do next x

[SusanDelfino]

It's a grim situation. Are you financially independent?

[MissMiss1]

I work, but I don't earn a lot of money. No where near enough to support me n the children

[CarysMa]

Sympathies. It's a really tough time. I found that people's comments hurt more, ''at least you're not married'' - like it doesn't hurt!?
or ''you should have got married'' - thanks, helpful and christ I know that.
or, bad legal advice from people who think you have rights you don't
people getting cross with you for your lack of rights ! .

On the plus side, you're spared a hideous court case, but you have so few rights.

People around you end up feeling frustrated with you for you being in that situation and being ''angry'' at you for having tolerated the situation, angry at you that the father of your children didn't marry you, angry at you for daring to start again with nothing.

I am financially OK now. Not living in luxury but secure and employed. I even have a pension :-p

It is unspeakably grim for about five years or so, especially if your children are v young and you cannot just start now with your own financial recovery.
Have a plan. Save what you can. Do what you can. What ages are your kids? If I had one piece of advice to give to somebody in the same situation it'd be to push for 50:50 co parenting. This will either FORCE his hand to provide better for you as the primary carer, OR, it will force you to get out there and finally seize whatever opportunity to earn is still out there. You need to be free to earn now. And you can, and you will.

But even though he's not a husband, as a father, he cannot have it both ways.

[CarysMa]

If he's not abusive and if he's a good father, I"d actually leave HIM. Let him digest that. How vital is it to you that you end up the primary carer? Would you, could you live with letting a judge sort out access?
How essential is it to him that he has somebody ELSE to raise his children?
If you weren't doing it, would he have to pay somebody else to do it?

He's a canny operater there, house in his name, had a woman raise his kids, you work too!

[KirstenRaymonde]

It’s hard and i think it’s a shame more women don’t realise that without the legal contract - marriage - there’s no legal protection. Marriage is dressed up as a big party, but it’s the signing of a contract that gives you legal protection. I really think what marriage actually is needs to be explained more.

[MissMiss1]

Thank you all so much for listening and offering advice. I think I need to realise its not going to be easy but I can do it. I feel guilty that my children lives will change so much

[Rainboho]

Yes, their lives will change - but he will still be responsible for them so if he fucks off with the house and no backward glance to his children that makes him a complete knob doesn’t it.

In your position I would push for 50/50 child care and set about making sure you are secure and pursue a claim on the house if you can prove you paid in.

Then resolve to yourself to never let a man fuck you over like that again. Equal or nothing.

[CarysMa]

In your position I would push for 50/50 child care and set about making sure you are secure and pursue a claim on the house if you can prove you paid in.
YES

This can seem counterintuitive at first you want to hold on to the home and the role of carer but force him to take back some of the carer role. IME it frightens them more than anything.

[CarysMa]

I don't think marriage needs to be explained more not really.

I think it's that men capitalise on having the power in their relationship and that is combined with their partner's awareness of their biology (ie, ticking clock).

[KirstenRaymonde]

I think the amount of women who come here not knowing they don’t have the same rights as married women, no matter how long they’ve been together, shows it does need explaining more. Some men may without marriage for their own reasons, but if this many women don’t know I imagine just as many men don’t either.

[MissMiss1]

I'm not sure I want 50/50 more like 70/30 in my favour. I just can't see myself being able to have a nice new smaller home, I don't know what he'll give me
I don't pay into the house, my money goes on my children. All their clubs, extra classes, clothing shoes etc all adds up. I don't earn a lot. So I have no rights over my house
I'm hoping he'll be kind but I'm not sure 100% sure