strange separation dilemma

[sixtimesseven]

Been separated a year and a half. I got full custody of DC basically as XH was never around and he did not contest it.

When asked when he wanted to have them while we put together the agreement he offered a grand total of 3 nights a month (and two of those only one child at a time). Once a week he comes up to visit them on a week night for 2-4 hours which involves him being around the house (I am in the house til the kids are 18). He lives an hour away.

Ok, the weird problem -- now on the weekends where only I have them, he is always asking to come up to see them for a few hours......which means I have him in and out of the house on the one weekend I am not supposed to see or hear him. I have been agreeing to it as I am soft? stupid? a pushover? don't know if it's better for my kids?

It's horrible for me because he still berates me for various things, tries to stick his nose in my business. I am divorcing him because he was emotionally abusive and financially abusive. (He did things like cash in my saving behind my back and then when I found out said he though he had told me, staying overnight in other places and never giving the address, etc). I feel bullied, just like my marriage.

I think I will tell him if he needs to see them more he needs to ask for more time in the agreement? Any support would be appreciated as I have no one else for support except MN.

[GummyGoddess]

From an outside perspective he is doing it to exert control as it looks like he wants to ensure you can't spend any time relaxing with them. He can easily see them at other times when he knows it isn't just your time.

[AnnieAnoniMouser]

You need to separate things out a bit.

He’s asking to see them, not telling you or demanding. If you don’t have other plans and the children enjoy seeing him, that has to be a good thing right?

Tell him he’s welcome to pick them up at x o’clock & bring them back at x o’clock. If he says he’ll just ‘hang out’ at the house tell him ‘No, it’s not convenient’ and just keep repeating that. You don’t need a reason beyond that.

If he still wants to see them make sure you have everything ready to hand them over on the doorstep, no need for him to come in & same when they come back at the agreed time not before & not after unless he calls you to check it’s ok.

Anything he ‘berates’ you for, simply calmly tell him it’s no longer any of his business.

[sixtimesseven]

I have wondered whether it is a control thing or he genuinely wants to see them more than he set out in the agreement. I totally expected he'd want them full weekends every other weekend or something but he didn't.

annie you probably have the best advice. thx

[AnnieAnoniMouser]

It could be either or both - I’m going for a hopeful ‘both’ but if you do the above you’ll know for sure pretty soon.

Be firm, you can do this & you’ll feel much better for it. Don’t be fooled by any of the nonsense he spouts either (that it’s YOUR fault he’s seeing them less or that he ‘can’t afford to take them out’. NONE of it is your problem anymore, you’re separated. Beyond making the kids available for contact you owe him fuck all).

[egginacup]

Why is he calling the shots? How about you tell him when it is convenient for YOU for him to have the DC. EOW is much more usual, and allows for everyone to make weekend plans and have quality time. It’s confusing for the DC if he is hanging around the house.