Issues with ex-h talking to young DD about my new(ish) man

[IndieTara]

Really didn't know what to title this thread so I hope it makes sense. Apologies in advance as I think this will be a long post but I could really use some advice.

Background- split from now ex-h beginning of 2012 when DD was 3.5 yrs old.
2 Years later I met a man who I ended up being with for 2.5 yrs. waited 6 mths before introducing him to DD, we saw each other mostly every other weekend. Occasionally I'd see him at other times and my DD would come out with us also. He never stayed over when DD was with me. He was a teacher so DBS checked and DD got on really well with him.

After 6 months together and before introducing DD I spoke to ex-h and told him I was seeing somebody and wanted DD to meet him. He wasn't happy about it, I told him about being DBS checked and new Man had brought 2 kids up on his own etc also.

This began 12 months of hellish behaviour from ex-h. He told DD new Man was a paedophile, not to let him touch her, never to accept food from him, don't be alone with him. It went on and on. Ex-h punched new man when he saw him unbuckle DD's seat belt so she could get out of the car, he wouldn't hand DD over to me on 2 occasions when I collected her after he had her for the weekend. The police were called on more than one occasion and he frightened DD badly more than once with his behaviour. She still talks about it.
Whilst all this was going on he was also being verbally abusive to me, I felt sick every time I saw a message or missed call from him.

After a few months of this I went to see a solicitor and took ex-h to court to try and reduce his contact with DD as his behaviour was affecting her so much. We were assessed for mediation but advised it probably wouldn't work for us. Cafcass were involved, we had to go on a parenting course and ended up actually in court 3 times. His contact time was not reduced but we did get a court order which has helped somewhat.

4 yrs on and although I have walked in a lot of eggshells things are more civil between us generally. Ex-h now has a girlfriend he has been with for approx 5 mths, she has a teen son and daughter. My DD likes them all and has stayed at the GF's house. I have met the GF once and she seemed nice.

I also now have a new man I've been seeing for nearly 4 months. Not a teacher but also DBS checked because of his job. DD has met him, they get on great together.

Today DD told me her dad has been asking questions about my new man. Asking her if he touches her at all, is he at my house, does he stay over etc. He is once again upsetting her with his constant questions and I can just see him falling back into his behaviour patterns of 4 yrs ago.

How can I try and stop this? He has completely double standards and does not want to listen to reason at all. I just know it will escalate again and I'm dreading it.

So sorry for such a long post.

[IndieTara]

No advice anywhere?

[eileandonan]

My ex from many years ago did exactly the same thing. Accused my new partner of being a paedophile, then resorted to abusive calls and screaming that he was a rampant sex offender. We did end up in court and he got NC. My view is that your ex is being abusive to your DD. What a truly dreadful thing to ask a young girl. He is also making her not trust you as her DM by implying by his questioning that you have invited a predatory sex offender into the house. You need to speak to your DD about what she wants to do, and then you need to have a conversation with your ex or seek to do it through mediation.

[IndieTara]

Thanks Eilean my daughter is only 9 but I have spoken to her about it in hopefully a child friendly manner.
When I met ex- h's new girlfriend I spoke to him afterwards and told him I though she seemed nice and if she made him happy then a happy dad helps to mean a happy DD too. I said I trusted him to bring somebody into DD's life he believed would be nice to her and enhance her life. I then said I hoped he would extend the same courtesy to me if I met somebody ( this was a few mths ago when Id only been seeing new OH a while but Ex-H didn't know at that point)
Honestly don't think mediation would work. We did try counselling before actually splitting but all ex-h did in the 4 sessions we had was shout at me, make accusations and talk over me when I tried to say anything.
I don't think he wants to listen, he has no interest in anything I have to say and thinks his he is protecting our daughter.
The court and Cafcass were not interested at all last time and even though DD is 4 yrs older I don't think she could tell her dad what she thinks and wants. He wouldn't listen anyway.
During one of our court sessions he told barefaced lies to the judge one after another and got away with it.

[Tiddleypops]

I think I agree with PP that it's your ex that it is being abusive. I dread to think what is going on in HIS mind that this is the first thing he thinks to do to interrogate your DD and ask her such things. What an absolute idiot. Your poor DD having to deal with this I am not really sure what I would do in that situation, another legal battle doesn't sound appealing. Does your daughter want to continue seeing him?

[IndieTara]

She does love him but would rather spend more time with me.
His questioning her and questions about 'adult' things upset and annoy her. She is always unhappy when it's time to go to his but I think she is fine once she's there mostly.
I just don't know how to make him see he has double standards and how upsetting his behaviour is.
It's the reason I took him to court 4 yrs ago but he doesn't seem to have learned anything. Although that's hardly surprising considering nothing changed for him contact wise. We did come away with a court order which has helped as I do remind him of it when he does something that's stated he shouldn't.
I think maybe I need to start gathering evidence again.

[MadMags]

If it’s upsetting your dd so much, then I think I would stop contact until it gets sorted one way or another.

However, I think you’re both introducing new partners way too soon and that’s not fair on her either.

[MadMags]

Oh, and the man who abused me worked with children and was cleared to do so.

I’m not saying your ex is right but DBS checks only mean someone hasn’t been caught doing something.

[Happyandyouknowitclapclap]

I would phone social services, talk to them about how its affecting her and ask them to speak to him, they may speak to her too which would give him an impartial view of the damage its doing to her.

[IndieTara]

Madmags of course you're right. But why is it ok for him to have a girlfriend who has kids he gets on with and takes DD to stay overnight at her house? Why is it ok that she is DBS checked? Why is it ok that according to DD that his GF touches her ( I know it will only be in normal every way days I don't have an issue with it )
But none of that is ok when you turn it round and my new OH is the other person.

I'm not asking anybody on here if they think DD has been introduced too soon to his GF or my OH. DD actually gets on well with both of them. I'm asking for advice or ideas to try and move forward, get past it more amicably without having to resort to going back to court ideally.

My Ex-h appears to think that he has his own set of relationship rules that are fine for him and DD but dont and shouldn't apply to me and DD.
Complete double standards and hypocrisy.

[IndieTara]

Happy I hadn't considered Social Services. It's a thought

[MadMags]

Er, it’s NOT ok. That’s why I said “you both”.

[IndieTara]

The issue is not how soon either or both of us introduced DD to respective new partners. Although for the record he introduced her within a few weeks I waited for 3 months.
The issue is his reaction and the way he is dealing with it. Again and how that is affecting DD. Again.

[ferrier]

He appears to have a big jealousy issue.

I have no experience of your situation but I might try the NSPCC for independent advice?

[IndieTara]

I have no experience of the NSPCC but it's a thought

[IndieTara]

I've now told him that what he's doing is totally inappropriate and he needs to direct his questions to me only.

[iamthrough]

@madmags, OP states it was 6 years ago that she separated from he X - I can't understand why you think it is too soon to introduce daughter to new boyfriend/girlfriend? Looks like they have both waited several months before introducing new person to daughter. How long are we supposed to wait???!
@indietara - I have no experience in your situation so wish you lots of luck. Sounds like court didn't really help last time. Maybe just take it up directly with your X and try to sensibly have a discussion about it. Perhaps you could both set some boundaries regarding how your DD interacts with both your new partners?? Sorry not much use probably.

[IndieTara]

Thanks Iamthrough. Thats a nice reasonable response.

[MadMags]

@iamthrough what?? They both introduced new partners less than six months after beginning to date them.

[iamthrough]

@madmags - so what would you suggest is a "reasonable" timeframe??! As far as I can tell neither are talking about marrying or even moving in with new partner - so sorry I really don't see the issue. OP's previous partner was 4 years ago so its not like the daughter is being introduced to a stream of different men is it?
I'm no where near OP's situation but would imagine 4/5/6 months is sometimes enough time to establish if a new partner is serious enough to introduce to the rest of the family. The timeframe is not an issue here - its OP's ex partners reaction to the new guy that's causing friction.
Good Luck OP.

[MadMags]

I’m not sure why you’ve got the bit between your teeth about this, but I think it’s too soon. You don’t. That’s not enough for you?

IMO you cannot possibly know someone well enough to see a forever with them after only a few months. Not when there are vulnerable children involved.

And when there are children, time together is limited so in that three months, you’ve spent even less time together.

Sometimes it works out fine. A lot of times it doesn’t. And I don’t think children benefit it any way by being introduced to new girlfriends and boyfriends after only a few months.

I don’t know why you’re struggling to grasp that but there you have it!

[IndieTara]

@iamthrough again thank you, you have it spot on. 4 yrs ago I waited the obligatory MN 6 months before introducing my daughter then she only saw him occasionally and he never stayed over when she was with me. That didn't work as ex-h blew up as detailed in my original post. So this time round I'm not treading on eggshells

[IndieTara]

@MadMags I can assure you I'm not spending any less time with DD. Plus she now benefits from seeing what a happy relationship between adults can look like and is old enough to be able to understand it better now.
Whatever you think about my timescales I am best placed to judge how soon I introduce anyone to my DD.

[MadMags]

I really don’t care. Honestly I don’t. I gave one opinion. Another poster kept questioning it so I answered. I’m not at all invested in what you do.