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Ex husband wants overnight access

(49 Posts)
Pixikitten0123 Tue 01-May-18 22:44:23

Hi, just had a massive row with my STBXH about overnight access. He’s currently renting a room from his ex girlfriend and wants both kids to stay - one of my children has serious medical issues. I’ve refused as I don’t think it’s appropriate. He’s saying there’s spare bedrooms for them to sleep in but I don’t think it’s right that they would be sleeping in a strangers house also considering his room rental agreement. Can anyone advise me of my rights. He’s got access once a fortnight at the moment

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Singlenotsingle Tue 01-May-18 22:53:44

Access/contact is prima facie by agreement between the parties. At the moment you don't agree. If you can't agree, he will have to make an application to the court for a defined contact order which will state when and where. So you can continue to say no, and the ball is then in his court. What does he want to do next?

Pixikitten0123 Tue 01-May-18 23:18:28

It’s the whole safeguarding issue for me. I’m not happy for my kids to be in a house in separate rooms when he’s sharing a house. If he had his own hours then it would be no problem. He’s taking me to court apparently

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ClaryFray Wed 02-May-18 18:33:26

How old are the children?

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 02-May-18 18:35:11

He might be bluffing about court. Let him give it a go!

Does he have any plans to get his own place?

Pixikitten0123 Wed 02-May-18 19:51:51

Apparently not for a long while. He’s saying that even though he’s only “renting a room” there are other bedrooms available for the kids to use.

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Pixikitten0123 Wed 02-May-18 19:52:20

The kids are 8&10

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ReliefOfChaos Wed 02-May-18 20:02:21

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable arrangement - what exactly are you're objections? I don't see what possible safeguarding issues there could be unless you are preparing a hell of a drip feed about the ex, and you've said that the medical issues would not be a problem if he had his own house.

So what exactly is your problem?

Pixikitten0123 Wed 02-May-18 21:32:59

I want my kids to be safe. I don’t know this other person and I’m not comfortable with my children being there overnight.

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Sistersofmercy101 Wed 02-May-18 22:03:04

Safeguarding and welfare concerns are the reasons precisely why family court look unfavourably on overnight access in a multiple occupancy shared house situation. Can your ex control access to the house overnight, or would the landlady be able to have whoever she wishes to as guests - who in turn will be able to access the children... The safeguarding implications are screamingly obvious! YANBU flowers

Pixikitten0123 Thu 03-May-18 06:10:01

Thank you, that’s exactly my point sisterofmercy.

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ReliefOfChaos Thu 03-May-18 06:12:40

The 'landlady' is well known to the father (she is his ex), and it really does sound like you're using safeguarding as an excuse to exert control over your ex here. Be prepared for far harsher words than I'm giving you if he does take this to court. He should.

shouldwestayorshouldwego Thu 03-May-18 06:21:48

If she is the only other person living there with him and there is no reason to particularly suspect she is a risk then I imagine that it wouldn't be viewed differently to if he owned a house and moved a girlfriend in or you moved a partner in.

Sistersofmercy101 Thu 03-May-18 06:22:42

reliefofchaos safeguarding of children is taken very seriously by the family court. Multiple occupancy houses such as the arrangement discussed here are not considered secure and as such pose an access safety issue - the OP is being sensible and putting the welfare of the children as the highest priority, which is precisely what the family court would expect. Her objections are very reasonable. The DC DF is putting his desire to see the children over that of their wellbeing.

Sistersofmercy101 Thu 03-May-18 06:30:23

shouldwestay the arrangement discussed is a multiple occupancy house. It is not the DF house and as such he has no say nor control of who the landlady allows into the property. This poses a safeguarding risk as the DC could be accessed by those guests.
The statistical evidence is that children are harmed most often by those that were already acquainted with the family not strangers in the street.

ReliefOfChaos Thu 03-May-18 07:37:34

Sistersofmercy - parental alienation is also taken very seriously by the family courts.

Sistersofmercy101 Thu 03-May-18 09:49:03

The OP has focused her concerns solely on the welfare of the children. There has been NO indication that the OP has badmouthed or abused the DF to the children nor that she has routinely, consistently withdrawn contact for the purposes of turning the children against their DF. Your accusation is totally unfounded and without merit. Furthermore, parental alienation is very serious and is taken seriously but it must be backed with proof of the accusation.
Scaremongering for your own agenda is cruel Relief

ReliefOfChaos Thu 03-May-18 09:58:24

I think sounding a legitimate caution rather than scaremongering. Lodging with a friend is certainly not going to be seen as the same as a multiple occupancy with the courts, and refusing contact without reason could be seen as alienation. You may find a court decidedly unsympathetic to your claim of 'safeguarding'. Tread carefully OP.

iamthrough Thu 03-May-18 10:02:58

Hello OP. Regardless of your concerns (do you actually have any evidence that your children would be at risk in this situation?) What you are trying to do is prevent your children spending quality time with their Father. OK - so you may hate him, but do consider what's best for them. Do you really want to drag everyone through a long & expensive court battle. The situation you describe doesn't sound like full on HMO, perhaps the ex girlfriend is just helping out an old friend and there will be no risk of anyone else coming into the house? Who knows - speak to your STBxH and find out the details before your perspective of the situation potentially gets out of hand.
This is just a gentle suggestion - you may be right about the risk - all I'm saying is try to take emotion out of this one and really consider the implications of stopping your children seeing their Dad.

notapizzaeater Thu 03-May-18 10:07:01

Is it just your ex who is renting a room ? I'd get legal advice as you could be on sticky ground here.

Doyoumind Thu 03-May-18 10:13:13

The OP hasn't said it's a HMO. It might just be his ex's home and he's staying in a room for a while.

OP, I think you need to find out exactly what the arrangements are before refusing completely as you'll also end up with court costs unless you self represent.

Are you willing to let him have a weekend but with them sleeping at yours?

Also, it's not access but contact.

Doyoumind Thu 03-May-18 10:25:10

Just wanted to add that if he's just staying in his ex's house, it's not that different to him staying at a girlfriend's house overnight with the DC. In those circumstances you would have no right to refuse contact as it's up to him what he does with the DC when they are with him.

Sistersofmercy101 Thu 03-May-18 11:14:00

Why is it that anyone who volunteers or works with children in any capacity has to have a DBS check - may as well not bother with the attitudes on here!
OP can you switch to daytime contact until you and the children's DF can reach a situation where you feel reasonably satisfied of the children safety? That way the hysterical accusations of parental alienation will be less.

Doyoumind Thu 03-May-18 11:28:40

I don't understand your point Sisters. We all want to protect our children but you're right - it's only when people work with children they need checks. People can have children without checks, or introduce their children to other people who don't have checks. OP would need to show there were genuine safeguarding issues if this went to court. At the moment, OP hasn't provided enough information for anyone to make a call on it.

Pixikitten0123 Thu 03-May-18 11:54:23

To clarify: my children do have contact with their father - parental alienation has only come from him and his mother who called me some rather choice names in front of the eldest child which I have logged with my solicitor. I want my children to have contact with their father and I have NEVER slated him to them.

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