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Can someone please talk some sense into.me?(11 Posts)
So exp left me for OW just before christmas - was devestated, we were about to buy a house etc but it all seemed completley normal to him and i realised, following him leaving, i had been the victim of domestic abuse - was glued to my phone day in and day out in case he text and i needed to reply/answer his calls straight away, helped him when he needed money (to the tune of 10000s) and basically was at his beck and call.
We had 2 DCS together - following ongoing harradsment - him locking me in a room with him and the kids and not letting me comfort our children, forcing me to read his suicide notes (blaming me for all his problems) turning up at my house as and when he pleased and even bringing OW to my house and laughing when they saw me through the window to name a few things.
He has had no contact with DCs for 5 months - kept saying he would come see them, then cancelling because OW needed to be picked up from work and still sending abusive messages daily - me and the DC have moved house now and EXDP doesnt know where we are.
He is going round to all who will listen to tell them how i am crazy etc and have stopped him seeing kids because i am jealous of his relationship with OW etc (not the case - this was the third time he up and left me for OW and most definitley the final time) he has been told by the Police and SS he needs to see a solicitor to go through the family courts to arrange contact with our DC (who are both under 2- and i should add there have been historic incidents where DCs have been injured/subjected to his abuse which i am deeply ashamed of and SS have said that i have done everythinf i can to protect our DC at this stage and are not taking it any further).
The problem i now have is he SS left my mobile number on their report and he rings constantly - again i have reported this to the Police but they have 0.interest- but today i got caught out and my DC answered a phone call from.a witheld number which happened to be him.-
DS was so happy speaking with his DF, i then recieved a barrage of texts asking if i would allow him.a phone call everyday so he could speak with DC (DD isnt speaking yet)
I am also feeling under pressure from.all.his family to allow him contact with the DCs (despite his family members lying to me.about the whereabouts of our DCs whenever they have had them - they dont have them anymore) and his fakily have expressed concerns about EXDPs temper around our DC so i feel like i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I did tell EXDP to arrange contact via a contact centre but he does not wish to do that as he is a good parent?
I have also recently recieved threats to kidnap pur DC from OW and, as i am.sure you can appreciate, my anxiety levels are through the roof and i am stuck as to what to do now for the best?
Obbiously now.OW is also pregnant and he is the perfect DP.and an amazing DF apparently (sorry i dont mean for that to come accross as rude) but it really does upset me at times as he put me through hell in my second pregnancy as he was adament he didnt want anymore DC and i even ended up with concussion at one point (what his redeeming qualities were, im not sure, i think i just longed for him to love me and wanted to be a family unit)
So what should i do regarding contact arrangements for our DC? I dont want to be bullied into doing anything i dont feel is safe for our DC however, i also dont want to deprive our DC of their Dad.
Thanks for reading!
Stick to your guns, he’s caused injury and abused them, he harasses you daily, you’ve been advised by the police and professionals for him to see the kids in a contact centre. If he really wants to see them, then he would have arranged it. This is another form of abuse from him (emotional). If you want the children to speak to him arrange a set time and day of the week for him to call, if he doesn’t phone on time, he’s missed his chance to speak to them. Keep it light with the children while they are young eg if they ask when they are speaking to dad next ‘hopefully he will be calling this week, he likes to talk to you etc’
If you don’t feel safe leaving them with him, don’t.
Also screenshot and print all the abuse, keep his plans to call the children confirmed by text/email so when he doesn’t do it, you have evidence he has let them down etc so If things go as far as court for access you have all the proof you need as to why you believe a contact centre is the way forward.
I keep doubting myself!
I am.happy to.arrange a call once a week as i dont see that a telephone call.will do much harm (my DS loved it - i am.not even sure my DD would recognise him as her DF now) and i was able to hear what was being said as it was on loudspeaker and despite his attempts to.engage directly in conversation with me i managed to.ignore these - he wont take it to court as he says he cannot afford legal fees (and already preciouslt told.me he was stopping maintence as a solicitor told him.he wouldnt have to may if he didnt have access apparently but the CMS were actually really helpful and sorted this for me) i just feel like i am.being pushed into a corner and i hate feeling like this!
a solicitor told him.he wouldnt have to may if he didnt have access apparently
No, they didn't. No family solicitor would say this.
He is lying. Ignore him. Your kids are better off without him. If he goes to court, so be it, otherwise just let him go.
fucking hell OP, what a situation .
You ex is an abusive dick and his family are not trustworthy. Your kids are better off without the lot if them. The police and social services say he should go through the courts for access. I would not deviate from what they say, no contact centre offering- it has to be through the courts. They are clearly concerned and think your kids need protection from him.
I’d change my phone numbers personally. You can phone your provider to do that. If you want DC to have contact, maybe give him a PAYG mobile number that is only turned on at the time each week you’ve agreed he can call.
I’d also be contacting SS to ask opinion as to phone contact, as it sounds like they were very concerned, and to flag up he’s having another child that could be at risk of abuse.
I know, he really is and i feel so much better since we have moved not having to watch him driving up and down past my house for hours on end!
Good idea about the PAYG phone - i dont think SS will have an issue with phone contact - its all supervised and of course he is playing the over enthusiastic parent as he is clearly making the calls in front of others.
Have told him in a message he still needs to go via court for access but i am.sure that will also go over his head!
Well done you for telling him he has to go to court OP.
Driving past your house for hours...he is a scary person. Glad you’ve got away from that.
You mentioned police having no interest, which is shocking. Does your local police service have an online non-emergency crime reporting website? If so log everything there, every time something happens. Take a screenshot or print it out. Take it to your solicitor and show it to SS.
Either no contact or keep that number he has just for those calls and have a different one for your own phone. Once a week call you supervise and listen in to given your son likes the call is fine but he certainly sounds like a nasy piece of work.
Yes - police have not been and spoken to him once throughout this whole ordeal despite.me calling everytime to log everything as advised by my DV support worker - its shocking but i have been advised these would all be looked at in court - if we ever get there.
You are doing amazingly well Mrtumblesspottybag10 I read the other thread that the OW started on here. Needless to say she didnt like the negativity from the MN group. You focus on your DC, I would suggest though that you change your number. My DS used to get calls from his DF and GM until he got distressed one day and I he told me they were being derogatory about me. I would keep all contact via a legal route given all the issues you have mentioned already
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