Mutual agreement to divorce and co-habit in the beginning but I've no idea where to begin!

[ComeAllYe]

My H and I have decided to divorce but to avoid unnecessary upheaval for the DCs have chosen to remain both living in the house but in separate bedrooms. We have been together for 21 years, married for 17 with 2 DSs 15 and 17. H has his own business which he runs from the home and I am paid dividends as an employee and secretary. Due to the tax advantages by paying me a wage, he pays me a nominal amount each month which is paid into our joint account. We only have one joint account which everything is paid into and which all of our household expenses are paid from. We are both agreed that divorce is the only way and want to do this as fairly as possible for both parties. We did suggest a DIY divorce but we are both worried about the finances and receiving our fair share of what's due.

I also work 28 hours a week part time.

The house has 4 more years left on the mortgage and we don't have any other debts other than the monthly overdraft which we are trying to curtail. Our biggest asset is the house.

I think we need to go down the mediation route together as we are both (at the moment) only interested in the full disclosure of everything and the most amicable way to divide our assets equally.

He is keen to remove me from the business immediately and I've told him to not do anything at the moment until we have had legal advice.

I've taken a cash point statement of what is currently in the business so I am covered with evidence from that point of view.

Is mediation the best way in these circumstance? And if so, do I just phone up a solicitor? Obviously I've never done anything like this before and I'm scared stiff of the enormity of the situation and trying to maintain a non-toxic environment at home whilst wanting to run for the hills!

Can anyone give me some starting points?

[Xenia]

family lawyers may be along soon, but in my view you could do it like we did - married almost 20 years, we did have lawyers in the background but no court hearings and no mediation - we could not see the point in paying mediators and all our accounts were joint so nothing was hidden or unknown. i did pay for an hour's advice with a solicitor on my own before I decided to divorce. We lived together for the 7months it too until finances sorted, house put into my name (I bought him out -I earned more) and decree absolute. I worked from home and he did a fair bit of work from home too so it does make it more complicated than if people work elsewhere.

You can continue after divorce to be paid dividends even if you are no longer an employee if that means more money available to pay for the 4 of you but if he wants your shares transferred to him I would first have a look at what the busienss might be worth if anything before giving it up and do see a solicitor.

Could your husband afford to buy out your share of the house (or vice versa)? I bought out my h usband by taking on a massive mortgage and the children stayed in their home which was nice but not always possible for people.

[ComeAllYe]

Thank you for your reply. We agreed there were 3 options: put the house on the market now and split whatever is left, stay in the house until the mortgage is paid off or he buy me out (he has the potential to earn much more than me) but the third option terrifies me that I wont be living in the same home as my children and thus creating a relationship where I wont be in their lives 100%.

I know that we could share their upbringing 50/50 but I'm not sure I could afford to stay in the village we live and they would want to stay in the family home as it's near to school/friends, etc.

They are of an age now where they are much more independent and off doing their own thing that if I am not there during the times they come and go, I wouldn't see them! I think that's what the most upsetting part of it all and the main factor in us staying put. However, if there were no children, I would be out of there in an instant.

[Xenia]

I agree with you on option 3. Very unusually I earned 10x my ex so only I could buy him out not vice versa and he was so awful the teenagers only were prepared to live with me. if it were reversed in your case as teenagers tend to be attached to their bed room, house, home even though they love their parents you would probably lose them at least in some sense. if you and he only have 4 years left to go on the mortgage one option is just live separate lives for 4 years by which time both children will be over 18 but neither of you may be able to stand that even if you could split the house into two (some people do that and make it work).

Some couples who are happy even so sell the house when the last child goes to universuity although my older ones spent a lot of time in holidays at home even after university and then were back home for a couple of years after university too.

If you went to solicitors they would ask what the value of the equity in the house is after loans taken off and all other cash added in so you know your joint net worth. Then they would look at whether dividing by 2 is fair - i t may not be if you earn a lot less and cannot earn more although with a husband with his own busienss he can easily manipulate that later to very low earning so I would not rely on spousal maintenance payments and go for a clean break if I were you but other lawyers might disagree. A clean break means you spl;it things in whatever split if agreed - in our cast 59% to lower earner. Plus whoever doesn't live with the children pays child maintenance. Our court order which we agreed also says I pay university costs whoever the chidlren live with (as I earn more).

In our case we both had a pension worth about the same (although I cashed mine in later at 55 to help the childern with housing - entirely my choice) so we just kept our own pensions. If he has a pension and you don't then he might be able to give up a bit more of the equity in return for not claiming on it but he may well have no pension provision at all.

Or you could both just sell the house and split the proceeds half and half. Your children are at key ages for GCSEs and A levels so I would probably be thinking about what route ensures they get the highest exam grades, There may be some sense in parting when the youngest is 18.

i don't think my advice is conventional above so feel free to ignore it until someone who knows about family law comes along.

[ComeAllYe]

Thank you Xenia - Wow, its all so confusing!

I have printed off the D8 Form to initiate the divorce and my H has phoned a solicitor to see what happens with the financial side of the split. They have told him that until the Decree Nisi has been issued they can't start the financial side of settlement (via a Complex Agreement? not sure of the title - due to there being a Business to sort rather than just joint finances).

So this gives me a bit of time to perhaps go and see a solicitor and take advantage of the 'free' advice prior to that beginning.

I think I'm just like a rabbit in headlights at the moment because of the DS's welfare. I think you're right with regards leaving the formal splitting until the youngest is 18 by which time the mortgage will be almost done. The eldest has a part time job so monetary limits are not so critical for him. Although the divorce is a mutual decision, I am far more driven by the emotional side of everything, my H has an uncanny knack to be able to say "right that's it from now on we're not a couple and we can go about our lives separately"

[MrsBertBibby]

You will struggle to get a divorce in these circumstances.

There are 5 grounds.

Adultery and the petitioner finds it intolerable to live with the Respondent. Clearly, you don't.

The Respondent has behaved in such a way that the Petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with him. Clearly you don't think that.

2 years separation and consent, 5 years separation, 2 years desertion: not applicable (and the level of separation if you remain in the same house is high: no cooperation in terms of food shopping, laundry, cleaning, cooking : a pretty shitty household for kids to stay in.

What you need, if you need anything, is a post-nuptial agreement.

But do you need anything? If you are both content to carry on in separate rooms, but otherwise cooperating for the kid's benefit, what is there to sort just now?

[MrsBertBibby]

If he is the bigger earner, and the bigger pension-saver, It's better for you to stay as you are until the kids are grown.

[Xenia]

Just about everyone (bar one recent case) will get a divorce on demand as almost every married couple in the UK if properly advised adn even if fairly happily married can surely dredge up an unreasonable behaviour petition where as here they both want to divorce so I am not so sure it would be hard to get the divorce itself but it certainly seems it might be better to stay together until the youngest is 18.

[Properjob]

My stillH asked for a divorce 18 months ago, our youngest is near ending at Uni. (I got great support on here thanks again MN)
We are still sharing the house as it won't sell. I did the unreasonable behaviour statement as Petittioner in the end as it gave me back some sort of control (although now I have realised that actually it didn't) ANYWAY, the key item in the statement is that you are sleeping separately and sexual contact has ceased. I added his drunken verbal abuse as well in my case. If the respondent is not contesting the divorce it will go through. No-one except the solicitors and the court sees the statement.
We went through mediation but our situation was extremely simple. I would be careful with business affairs. Sharing pensions still consts for an Actuary, over a grand.
And sorry OP, but why does he want a divorce unless he wants to have sex elsewhere, even if it s pipe dream? Or do you? Good luck my dear.

[Properjob]

Oh Hi MrsBErtBibby how are you? yep that's what I am living like though daughter back to Uni soon. We do share the food when there is a young adult child here, otherwise living separately as you describe. it's not too bad although I am getting thoroughly fed up.